Right Stuff Ivy League dating

The Right Stuff calls itself the 'Ivy League of dating,' limiting its membership to 'single graduates and faculty of a select group of excellent universities and colleges.' But, with nearly 70 ... For Literary Stuff and Book Lovers. Another dating ivy is IQ Catch http: Designed for Intellectuals. Bush, anyone? Geez, what a snob. An elite ivy clearly would have to be top 15 or online. So, you did well at a school filled with people less right league quality. That is all well and good but hardly merits singing the praises as you have. Right Stuff. Dating site for graduates and faculty of Ivy League, Seven Sisters, and about 50 similar colleges and universities and medical schools. Dating site complete free dating musical compatible couples. Supports heterosexual, same sex and polyamorous relationships. Listed as one of the top Swedish web sites of. The media frames The League as elitist. It's a lazy narrative, but it's clear why it's popular. It plays into a larger story that’s unfolding in the United States right now. The Right Stuff is an international introduction network for single graduates and faculty of a select group of excellent universities and colleges. It is a civilized, manageable and affordable way to meet well-educated members of the opposite sex. Dating for Oxbridge and the Ivy League Thanks to Bluesmatch and after a period of less than 3 months I seem to have met my perfect partner. I am now in a brilliant relationship beyond any of my expectations I have never ever felt so happy and alive in my life and she feels exactly the same. Stuff online, and league knows online dating for regular online dating reviews. Look at the right dating the more specialized dating sites to find 16 results find 16 listings related to review that your style. We guarantee that seemed to meet ivy league dating site. Best free online dating reviews Solving the right away. Solving the right stuff ... for dating Come be a pioneer with us! The League is packed with features that allow you to safely and successfully video date right from your couch. From our League Live video dating parties to 1:1 video-calling a match, we’ve got you covered. Learn more. When they are looking for an alumni. Right stuff, site, dances, concerts and reasons they are the most sought-after alumni. Some dating site for harvard, instant-judgment online dating sites may not join over 18, faculty and. This perception of a potential match the princeton, inexhaustive site includes harvard and bo. Interested stuff, go to. Recommended Screen Resolution 1024 x 768: Site Designed by Asif R Naqvi dot com Asif R Naqvi dot com

Does anyone have a similar experience?

2020.09.28 02:02 Electronic_Stomach88 Does anyone have a similar experience?

Just looking for opinions on if anyone has similar experience? You don’t have to read the whole thing to get the gist!
41 now and found out I was raised by a narcissistic mother at 39. Her gaslighting while at my job and about my 10 year old daughter who I have raised since 2 years old gave me a mental breakdown. It first started 5 years ago when she wanted to control the exchanges between me and ex wife. She Drug her with her car 40 feet according to police report and blamed it on me when I wasn’t even there. When I first got divorced 7 years ago, she assured me that they were going to help me get on my feet and out of debt so I could live a nice life. However, because of my non compliance she kicked me and daughter out before I could get on feet and sale house. Her punishment caused me increased expenses and led me to bankruptcy.
I was highly successful in a field where Credit was important and not only did she leave me hanging and bankrupt, I had to sell everything of value to pay another attorney for bankruptcy while going through expensive divorce which often times left me scraping change together to feed my kid.
I forgot to mention my parents are rich btw. I rose to the occasion and eventually even landed a higher paying job than her after recovering from the Bk and divorce.
The whole time she had a Private Detective taking pictures of me from across the street and had family members drive by and when I would ask she would say I was just paranoid.
She would call the police on me frequently if I didn’t answer her calls. This was the beginning of a long journey to figuring out what she was up to as I was 33 when the stalking started. She would even manipulate my own friends to say they needed a place to stay and pay them money to report back.
Fast forward a few years. I end up with my dream job making more money than her. She quickly would demean me and say I don’t deserve it. After two years on the job I had saved up enough money to buy my own house and told her I was moving closer to work which was further from them. She became enraged and said she wouldn’t be around to help with my kid when I traveled and I said that’s your choice.
One day I get home from a business trip to meet a CPS worker at my house. The worker interviewed me and ex wife and recommended moving further away from her even though they can’t tell u who did the complaint. In the report it said I was paranoid. Yes I actually was because my mom had betrayed me and put me and my family through undo stress by making false CPS report.
It took 6 months to close out. She had also threatened to kill me when I told her I was moving and she meant it. I bought my dream house in a gated community 45 minutes away from her with 24 hour security only to find out she was trespassing, having detective video my daughter and I outside and I was like well I’m not doing anything wrong so what am I gonna do.
I tried to avoid confrontation with her because it would be screaming and her making threats to take my kid from me. I even have a text where she said she would get me fired from my job after gaslighting me at work.
It was so embarrassing I just dealt with it. I then met the girl of my dreams who advised me that was not normal and she wanted me to be happy because she could see that I was shaken every time I would answer her calls. I had been setting up boundaries over the years and didn’t rely on them for anything.
I wouldn’t ask them for anything at all no matter how bad it hurt. Eventually an estranged friend who I had not had contact with for a year reached out to me and said he needed a place to stay. He started wearing my clothes, eating my food, and refused to get a job. It was like single white female the movie.
Immediately my gf said he wants your life! He always seems to be keeping tabs on my parenting and added to my stress level. The abuse from her had been bad lately because now we had been successful living away from her for almost two years and I was now engaged. This caused a big strain on my now fiancée and mine engagement and we got into an argument and we were supposed to fly to NY the next day to get married. Oh also my daughter came home with a phone charger from her and it was plugged in my bedroom. I was looking at it and it flashed at me. I took the top off to find out it was a hidden camera. I spoke with one attorney about legal action but my fiancée and everyone talked me out of suing my mom. She said it was a gag gift and admitted to it in writing.
More bizarre stalking kept happening and this really started to get to my nerves. I wished i had sued her because i ended up getting drunk at my own house and was depressed because my fiancé was not gonna go to NY and get married. Anyways i made some dark comments in front of some neighbors who didnt know me that well about dark depressing things.
Then i go inside my house alone because i had agreed for her to watch my kiddo while on business trip, and my fiancé calls and says to come outside. I walk outside and see lasers pointed at her head and a swat team in my driveway. She told me to take my shirt of so i did and they focused the guns on me.
My house backs up to a busy road and there was a loud noise. Those neighbors had called the police thinking i s**t myself and my fiancé showed up with bags packed to go to NY. I more than cooperated and agreed to let them search my house to look for , casings and evidence so they could try to put me in jail. Man I wish I would have gone to jail. At least I could have been bailed out in the morning. They found nothing because there was nothing to be found. I even let them search my truck. The supervisor told my fiancée that they cant leave me alone with the allegations but couldn't charge me with a crime.
They asked if i would be willing to go to hospital for 24 hours and i thought they were talking about the ER. My fiancée gracefully talked me into it because she had no desire to vouch for me if I did what they said and I do not blame her for it in the moment. I would’ve been scared to vouch for someone based on the narrative they wrote about me so I agreed and was handcuffed with a young officer banging the barrel of a glock up against my head like i was a threat his boss told him to back off and he even admitted that he wanted to off me because his adrenaline was pumping. He’s also the same jerk that got to drive me to the hospital and write a non criminal story about me that would forever alter my life. I got treated and abused by them at my own house. I’ve handled as many wrong doings that have transpired here as possible but next everyone keeps telling me to hire another lawyer for the police violating my civil rights. There’s also video footage. I don’t want to sue everyone but I feel like if I don’t handle things it will just continue to happen and I have managed to become pretty strong and resilient over the years of abuse. It actually drove me to excel in careeer but screwed me on relationships. To sue the city I live in or not is the big question???
I get in the car and find out he was taking me to a mental hospital. I was so mad when I got there because I knew I needed to get cleared to get out. I just knew that I was only intoxicated and that the doctor would let me out ASAP. Well I used my one chance to convince the doc to let me out while I was intoxicated and enraged for being in a mental ER. It was like jail and I knew I was not crazy. I barely drank and drank that night to numb my pain. Little did I know the seriousness of what the police said about me. So I made the decision to be involuntarily there thinking I would get a mental health court date in 24 hours. Finally when my permanent doctor was assigned to me, he was a perfect match BTW and one of the best in America. The nurse who had to inject me into a coma because I tried to escape turned out to be my best ally. He would come tell me stories every night about other people trying to escape. I just thought it was a hospital and I was there voluntarily but being intoxicated didn’t help. Him and another guy put me into a temporary coma next to 50 other people that were in recliners. I actually needed that to calm down and sleep but I didn’t understand that it was going to prolong my stay because the doctors saw that as aggression. I learned a lot about being in the hospital. The two intake nurses including the male nurse made sure that I got transferred to their floor because they saw that I just had a bad night and wanted me to get out ASAP. At first I wasn’t taking the antidepressants but quickly learned that the Physchiatrist can tell if your own them or not because you more subdued when you see them everyday and they tell u that u getting out tomorrow which never happens and adds an element of crazy. The male nurse that had to subdue me put me on his floor and bunked me up with one of the scariest patients they had that suffered from skizo and became violent because someone ate his apple.
The female nurse I had brought me the information about the mental health court. Then I met with my doctor the next morning and he was like u got to sign in voluntarily because If u go to that court they aren’t even gonna let you speak and go off the police report and it would be a minimum of two months and they would make me a ward to the state? I was like what the hell? I knew I didn’t belong there but then my doc explained to me that he kinda has to go slow on letting me out too bec of the seriousness of what the police wrote about me even though they weren’t there to witness the alleged incident. I started to just relax and take the meds so I could get out. Still on PTSD meds today to be compliant but honestly I had a bad hangover night and I was amazed at the support I got from the staff and nurses in there.
Everyday the nurses would be like you still getting married? I said The sooner I get out the more likely for me to fix this. All in all it took 7 days for the doc to be able to justify letting me out. I would have been out in 24 hours and had 0 destruction to my life had the police not made up such a detailed story about the series of events that they did not witness or find evidence to confirm. I mean FML. Even the trained doc had to diagnose me with a serious depression to get me out and cover his but because what that one rookie guy who wanted to shoot me wrote about me and was all fictional. I mean even the neighbor witnesses just put that I said I was depressed and they invited me to go to Church and they were actual witnesses.
The biggest most costly misunderstanding of my life. But you know what. Life was a living hell for almost two years, ruined Credit, lost car, applied for food stamps but got denied because my ex wife already got them for the daughter that doesn’t live with her. It’s just been a tough go in general. I mean when I first got divorced my daughter was only two and I would have to take her in ladies restrooms out of cleanliness Because nobody had that about the Dad yet and that wasn’t long ago, I was awarded child support but don’t receive a dime and don’t care because I had always figured things out on my own anyways. I feel mostly horrible for my daughter whose lifestyle has been altered with all this drama. The judge has now ordered a physchiatrist at $250 per hour chosen by my daughter’s court appointed attorney whose decisions have shifted towards favoring my mom. The only reason I gave in on agreeing to have that is because my mom could filed something if I didn’t agree that was some sort of loophole that would have dropped my kid right in her lap.
A 10 year old girl is basically like a 12 year old these days and my daughter has been happy being poor and never wants to see her nana again. I mean mom wouldn’t even allow her to call me on the phone that I pay for and the poor girl was being brainwashed. Every time we go to court it’s like the judge says 30 minutes and my moms 4-5 attorneys and experts hog up the docket with slanderous things about me even before I had a kid like stuff that happened in my twenties and then the judges doesn’t have time to really listen to what is going on. I have told my attorney I’m just gonna go on local news Because this is a high powered legal kidnapping. My attorney response is well I will withdraw from your case if u do that. I mean CPS gave me a clean bill. The main problem with my daughter’s attorney now is that I stayed with a friend for a few months because this person I call mom spewed her venom in my relationship which caused issues. I absolutely do not blame her for dumping especially when there were flying monkeys taking pictures of her house and they even followed her to work thinking it was me. She stuck by me for almost two years like a champ.
We all thought as soon as CPS closes the case that we would be able to live a nice quiet life. Well now after two years in hell everything has started clicking now that I’m back under my own roof. I left all furniture with ex and told her I was starting over without know where I would get the money to buy new stuff. I got a small settlement for the employment issue because I had no desire to take it to trial and once again I would talk to attorneys about my slam dunk case, and they weren’t interested in paying attention to the Rock Solid evidence I had. They just wanted $4,000 up front and didn’t even think I would get anything so I decided to handle it on my own and file my own complaints because I had no more money for another attorney I have learned the hard way that the hallmark of a good attorney is one you explain to them once or send to them once and they remember everything you told them in court. Like my mom even gets away with perjury where I have factual data to discount her lies. She has spent her whole life calling me a con, and nothing but a liar because sometimes with a serious narcissist with physcopathy it’s just easier to tell them what they want so u don’t get abused. But overall, I’m probably one of the most honest people and far from a con you can meet. You have to have Character in my career and always be ethical but she would call me that envious of my job and that I made more money than her with less schooling. My college days were rough because my mom would constantly be like I’m not gonna pay for your school so I would take that seriously and just start working full time.
I guess with me working so young that is the benefit Because I’m now a seasoned vet in business. Through all this adversity and with her interference, a competitor jumped all over me and I will be back to normal as far as my career. I’ve been making the salary I made 20 years ago doing a more entry level job which has served its purpose. I’ve never been one to give up on jobs. I felt like when I was living with my fiancée she kept doubling her salary and would put pressure to where I would just self destruct when I would have a good job interview. Plus most people can smell desperation. On top of that she started like competing applying for same jobs I already had interviews for which really brought out an ugly side of me and I would say that was a pivot point for the toxicity that started spewing. I felt so small and she felt so in charge because she was paying all the bills on her own for the first time in her life. Even though I had a good 20 years experience on her she started getting really competitive with me and when I would let her know that it reminded me of how my mother would act, she would minimize me and say don’t be such a victim. What she failed to understand is I was still healing and she was setting me back.
When she abruptly said she was done and kicked my daughter and I to the streets knowing that I had hardly any money and had ruined my credit so couldn’t rent anything, I was so hurt, she went silent and refused to give me closure or even tell me that what we had was real. She had done me just as my mom had and discarded me. I do take responsibility though because I think with all the toxic shit we were dealing with she was just over it. I used to hide my issues with my mom from her but she insisted that she was strong enough to help me get in a better space. Looking back the over sharing of court custody evidence had changed her into what reminded me of my mom. I knew certain things I should’ve kept to myself but she had me convinced that we were gonna work through it all together and I would actually get in trouble by her in passive aggressive ways with silence if I got caught withholding something from my personal stuff from her. It sad what me and my narcissist mother ruined. She was the best mentally and physically until our bullshit just broke her. I was so shocked that I lost that. I am a very loyal companion and outside of my ex, that I was married to for 12 years, I never would settle down because I knew what I was looking for and it took me 5 years of bad dates and terribly matched relationships to find her. I know though too that she is gonna be hard pressed to find a stronger man like me that can totally rebuild his life after blowing it up in less than two years. There were plenty of times I just wanted to give up but I didn’t for what I was told was my wife and new family. Patience I suppose is a virtue and I haven’t come up with the strength to start dating again. It might be years.
It’s just sad that I fully recovered but took longer than she or me wanted and the only thing I really lost is her who was a unicorn when she loved me. I’ll never forgive myself for letting mine and my moms venom ruin my family future.
But, I have to move forward and adjust to being alone again and I think I’m getting there. Moving forward after no contact is the only direction to go. Don’t let bs bog you down. I always knew that I was gonna get back to the person that she fell for and respected. It just took a little longer. So I have decided even if that opportunity comes back around as there is a little hoovering with her, I’m gonna politely decline because I no longer want to live in the past and I feel that if she was my person she would have stuck it out 6 extra months. Life will be good and I finally feel like I’m recovering and my moms lawsuit no longer even gets under my skin. I hope this story helps some of you. I’m of the opinion that my mom is much more extreme like a Narc with physcopathic tendencies but she will never be diagnosed. I’m sure what I’ve written will help someone some day because I had searched the internet and spoken to specialist and nobody could give me examples or really relate to this mother son relationship.
She always used to spank me ground me, I tried to run away as a kid, and she would even kick me out of our nice suburban house as a kid and let me walk to the nearest pay phone to call my dad. Then she would real me back in with like stiff I wanted. Looking back what I was really doing was standing up to her at a young age because her behavior was unacceptable so it would make me rebel worst. I ended up going to a prestigious college and finishing what my mom took away from me over and aver at nights when I was 30. She wouldn’t even go to my graduation or acknowledge that I went there and paid for it on my own Because I reckon she was envious that it was like Ivy League compared to her school. I wasted so many years thinking my relationship with her was normal.
The best thing to do with a Narc like her is no contact. My life has been very stressful but I do t think I would’ve made it trying to fix everything and being gaslighted by her everyday. I’ve learned that friends can be family because she also turned my whole family against me. I don’t understand why even my own dad who used to be married to her doesn’t have a spine enough to say “you’ve done enough to our only son” everyone in my family is owned some way by her except me. I have always been a good man of good character and have always been brave enough to take my beating or whatever to stand my ground. It does get better with no contact and I think I’m even stronger now than I was before and I’m much more emotionally healthy. So eventually I plan on finding my last wife and being the best me I’ve ever been.
Just because this happened to you and you are discovering it, I would recommend keeping dialogue with people that don’t have this issue to a minimum to avoid being labeled as a victim. You tell someone how you feel and you teach them how to do emotional blackmail on you. Only share with people your sure about. Always remember after healing process and discovery of the disorder that you must come out of that space of being a victim otherwise your forward progress will be stuck. Always keep moving forward and trying 120% even when people kick u while your down and I promise life will get better but I hones hope nobody has to do this. It is especially dangerous standing up for yourself with wealthy narcs but it’s also rewarding that u are your own person and I don’t give a shit that I’ve been written out of the will. I just wanted a normal mom my whole life not money and she never cared to listen.
I only told my roommate and asked he not tell my mom so I can figure this out on my own. My gut was telling me that something was going on and she was plotting for this moment to try and take my kid. Well my so called friend and roommate told my mom, told me he emailed my work, after 7 months and an Investigation I found out he didn’t, and even supposedly drafted and printed a copy of the email when he picked me up driving my truck that he decided to clean to his liking and wearing my best clothes.
I was in there 7 days. Also immediately upon turning on my phone I received a text from boss as if they knew I was being released that moment. My mom was my emergency contact because I was single. Boss says we been concerned and I send letter from hospital and then I get referred to HR and they asked if I received a Letter. I told them no I’m on way from hospital.
I get home to a termination letter. I was adjusting to meds and under the impression that roomie had sent the email he assured me he sent. Once home, my ex had been there watching kid and daughter came home saying CPS came to visit her at school. Then minutes later, a lady with a badge was at my door and threatened to take my kid immediately if I didn’t find someone to supervise me. My fiancée had broken up with me the day before getting out, my so called friend all the sudden had money and was spending time at moms which was off and if CPS needed to be called the police would have done that automatically but I didn’t have my kid. I didn’t trust anyone. I finally told my mom what happened and she played like no big deal there’s plenty of jobs and get better. Well come to find out she filed a false police report the day before I got out saying I was gonna get another and do something crazy which prompted the Police to call CPS. I told the lady that she could go to moms for a month for summer while she worked through her investigation. So in the moment the roomie and childhood friend who I trusted my whole life became my supervisor. I noticed how he wasn’t rattled by this as if he had expected. He quickly started staying with my mom which was weird and she essentially made him me. However, he’s not the type that responds to people like that well. Much more passive. So I automatically assumed that he’s the one that called them. By Christmas he literally escaped from her clutches and hat sent me an email recanting his written testimony and was living in a Van in Wal Mart Parking lot living off peanut butter. The empath in me kicked in and I started to go visit him in the parking lot. One day we were out and fiancée said let’s go see him and record him. We recorded all the stuff he told us that contradicted everything. He tried to continue to play me by not telling me important details he knew. He would say it just makes his muscles tense to talk about it but then ask me to buy him a burger. Well come to find out it was him and her that made sure family services came out according to new stuff discovered. I mean how much can u mess with a persons brain. I would gladly take a punch in the face any day over emotional blackmail. I guess since he felt so noble to do that to me I felt it was only the proper thing to do to report him for some crimes he made me aware of. When she got that audio where he’s says that she offered him like $200k to do this to me she sent it to him and he confronted me about it and was acting squirrelly as if he was still trying to play both sides. I explained to him that I just took out an insurance policy on him so he can’t just run back for the money. You can tell he was devastated. She was even paying his child support for him to keep him out of clink and offered to pay $10k to fix his rotten teeth and bought me suits. Anyways I blocked him and will no longer talk to him again. No contact with the flying monkey!!!
Mom was Banking on CPS placing her with her but they didn’t. When I got kid back she told me that mom said I didn’t love her, tried to enroll her in school, and offered to buy anything. And said she should have aborted me. The investigation was closed with no findings, I’m now unemployed and mom says she didn’t talk to my employer. We then agreed to CPS to do services and they believed my daughter and I about mom and gave me counseling for all the abuse she had done to me and told me to keep my kid away from her.
As the dust started to settle, I started waiting tables, then got a job but got fired because someone called up there and said I was a child abuser. I then filed unemployment who the referred me to DOL for Possible FMLA issue.
Almost a year goes buy, my fiancée and I are now living in her house because I could no longer afford mine and rented it out. I had my car reposssesed and mom even offered me $20k for kid in writing for which I said nope.
She became increasingly angry and then decided to sue me for custody all while I had just started working an entry level job. She makes up all sorts of hearsay lies, pays my old roomie to write a affidavit that was false and now going on year two of a suit. My fiancée had enough after the drama and toxicity it brought into our relationship and I found myself without anywhere to go until a friend offered to rent a room.
Judge has not given her any visitation but she has 4 attorneys racking up my 1. She is now going to trial. All her stuff is slander, untrue, and not factual. I don’t understand why it hasn’t been thrown out. I have factual evidence to discredit her lies. I even went to police report to hold her acccountable for cams she put in my house but police said no crime and would even let me show them the devices because it was my mom.
My roomie took my daughter’s dog that I paid $3k for on her 8th bday to moms and she says it hers under oath even though I have receipts. She tells people im dead and even contemplated have a funeral on Facebook for me!!!
She told me I should have just off myself. All these years she had been attempting to build a case on me to take my kid. Per now former employer she spoke with them and I have in writing. I cannot believe that everyone seems to believe her side of this diabolical story. My kid and I have been almost two years no contact. I even told the police she threatened to kill me and they were like that might very well happen.
Restraining order denied. This is truly one of the most diabolical nRc stories out theirs.have much more but too long already
submitted by Electronic_Stomach88 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2020.09.27 18:16 Electronic_Stomach88 Narc story

41 now and found out I was raised by a narcissistic mother at 39. Her gaslighting while at my job and about my 10 year old daughter who I have raised since 2 years old gave me a mental breakdown. It first started 5 years ago when she wanted to control the exchanges between me and ex wife. She Drug her with her car 40 feet according to police report and blamed it on me when I wasn’t even there. When I first got divorced 7 years ago, she assured me that they were going to help me get on my feet and out of debt so I could live a nice life. However, because of my non compliance she kicked me and daughter out before I could get on feet and sale house. Her punishment caused me increased expenses and led me to bankruptcy.
I was highly successful in a field where Credit was important and not only did she leave me hanging and bankrupt, I had to sell everything of value to pay another attorney for bankruptcy while going through expensive divorce which often times left me scraping change together to feed my kid.
I forgot to mention my parents are rich btw. I rose to the occasion and eventually even landed a higher paying job than her after recovering from the Bk and divorce.
The whole time she had a Private Detective taking pictures of me from across the street and had family members drive by and when I would ask she would say I was just paranoid.
She would call the police on me frequently if I didn’t answer her calls. This was the beginning of a long journey to figuring out what she was up to as I was 33 when the stalking started. She would even manipulate my own friends to say they needed a place to stay and pay them money to report back.
Fast forward a few years. I end up with my dream job making more money than her. She quickly would demean me and say I don’t deserve it. After two years on the job I had saved up enough money to buy my own house and told her I was moving closer to work which was further from them. She became enraged and said she wouldn’t be around to help with my kid when I traveled and I said that’s your choice.
One day I get home from a business trip to meet a CPS worker at my house. The worker interviewed me and ex wife and recommended moving further away from her even though they can’t tell u who did the complaint. In the report it said I was paranoid. Yes I actually was because my mom had betrayed me and put me and my family through undo stress by making false CPS report.
It took 6 months to close out. She had also threatened to kill me when I told her I was moving and she meant it. I bought my dream house in a gated community 45 minutes away from her with 24 hour security only to find out she was trespassing, having detective video my daughter and I outside and I was like well I’m not doing anything wrong so what am I gonna do.
I tried to avoid confrontation with her because it would be screaming and her making threats to take my kid from me. I even have a text where she said she would get me fired from my job after gaslighting me at work.
It was so embarrassing I just dealt with it. I then met the girl of my dreams who advised me that was not normal and she wanted me to be happy because she could see that I was shaken every time I would answer her calls. I had been setting up boundaries over the years and didn’t rely on them for anything.
I wouldn’t ask them for anything at all no matter how bad it hurt. Eventually an estranged friend who I had not had contact with for a year reached out to me and said he needed a place to stay. He started wearing my clothes, eating my food, and refused to get a job. It was like single white female the movie.
Immediately my gf said he wants your life! He always seems to be keeping tabs on my parenting and added to my stress level. The abuse from her had been bad lately because now we had been successful living away from her for almost two years and I was now engaged. This caused a big strain on my now fiancée and mine engagement and we got into an argument and we were supposed to fly to NY the next day to get married. Oh also my daughter came home with a phone charger from her and it was plugged in my bedroom. I was looking at it and it flashed at me. I took the top off to find out it was a hidden camera. I spoke with one attorney about legal action but my fiancée and everyone talked me out of suing my mom. She said it was a gag gift and admitted to it in writing.
More bizarre stalking kept happening and this really started to get to my nerves. I wished i had sued her because i ended up getting drunk at my own house and was depressed because my fiancé was not gonna go to NY and get married. Anyways i made some dark comments in front of some neighbors who didnt know me that well about dark depressing things.
Then i go inside my house alone because i had agreed for her to watch my kiddo while on business trip, and my fiancé calls and says to come outside. I walk outside and see lasers pointed at her head and a swat team in my driveway. She told me to take my shirt of so i did and they focused the guns on me.
My house backs up to a busy road and there was a loud noise. Those neighbors had called the police thinking i s**t myself and my fiancé showed up with bags packed to go to NY. I more than cooperated and agreed to let them search my house to look for , casings and evidence so they could try to put me in jail. Man I wish I would have gone to jail. At least I could have been bailed out in the morning. They found nothing because there was nothing to be found. I even let them search my truck. The supervisor told my fiancée that they cant leave me alone with the allegations but couldn't charge me with a crime.
They asked if i would be willing to go to hospital for 24 hours and i thought they were talking about the ER. My fiancée gracefully talked me into it because she had no desire to vouch for me if I did what they said and I do not blame her for it in the moment. I would’ve been scared to vouch for someone based on the narrative they wrote about me so I agreed and was handcuffed with a young officer banging the barrel of a glock up against my head like i was a threat his boss told him to back off and he even admitted that he wanted to off me because his adrenaline was pumping. He’s also the same jerk that got to drive me to the hospital and write a non criminal story about me that would forever alter my life. I got treated and abused by them at my own house. I’ve handled as many wrong doings that have transpired here as possible but next everyone keeps telling me to hire another lawyer for the police violating my civil rights. There’s also video footage. I don’t want to sue everyone but I feel like if I don’t handle things it will just continue to happen and I have managed to become pretty strong and resilient over the years of abuse. It actually drove me to excel in careeer but screwed me on relationships. To sue the city I live in or not is the big question???
I get in the car and find out he was taking me to a mental hospital. I was so mad when I got there because I knew I needed to get cleared to get out. I just knew that I was only intoxicated and that the doctor would let me out ASAP. Well I used my one chance to convince the doc to let me out while I was intoxicated and enraged for being in a mental ER. It was like jail and I knew I was not crazy. I barely drank and drank that night to numb my pain. Little did I know the seriousness of what the police said about me. So I made the decision to be involuntarily there thinking I would get a mental health court date in 24 hours. Finally when my permanent doctor was assigned to me, he was a perfect match BTW and one of the best in America. The nurse who had to inject me into a coma because I tried to escape turned out to be my best ally. He would come tell me stories every night about other people trying to escape. I just thought it was a hospital and I was there voluntarily but being intoxicated didn’t help. Him and another guy put me into a temporary coma next to 50 other people that were in recliners. I actually needed that to calm down and sleep but I didn’t understand that it was going to prolong my stay because the doctors saw that as aggression. I learned a lot about being in the hospital. The two intake nurses including the male nurse made sure that I got transferred to their floor because they saw that I just had a bad night and wanted me to get out ASAP. At first I wasn’t taking the antidepressants but quickly learned that the Physchiatrist can tell if your own them or not because you more subdued when you see them everyday and they tell u that u getting out tomorrow which never happens and adds an element of crazy. The male nurse that had to subdue me put me on his floor and bunked me up with one of the scariest patients they had that suffered from skizo and became violent because someone ate his apple.
The female nurse I had brought me the information about the mental health court. Then I met with my doctor the next morning and he was like u got to sign in voluntarily because If u go to that court they aren’t even gonna let you speak and go off the police report and it would be a minimum of two months and they would make me a ward to the state? I was like what the hell? I knew I didn’t belong there but then my doc explained to me that he kinda has to go slow on letting me out too bec of the seriousness of what the police wrote about me even though they weren’t there to witness the alleged incident. I started to just relax and take the meds so I could get out. Still on PTSD meds today to be compliant but honestly I had a bad hangover night and I was amazed at the support I got from the staff and nurses in there.
Everyday the nurses would be like you still getting married? I said The sooner I get out the more likely for me to fix this. All in all it took 7 days for the doc to be able to justify letting me out. I would have been out in 24 hours and had 0 destruction to my life had the police not made up such a detailed story about the series of events that they did not witness or find evidence to confirm. I mean FML. Even the trained doc had to diagnose me with a serious depression to get me out and cover his but because what that one rookie guy who wanted to shoot me wrote about me and was all fictional. I mean even the neighbor witnesses just put that I said I was depressed and they invited me to go to Church and they were actual witnesses.
The biggest most costly misunderstanding of my life. But you know what. Life was a living hell for almost two years, ruined Credit, lost car, applied for food stamps but got denied because my ex wife already got them for the daughter that doesn’t live with her. It’s just been a tough go in general. I mean when I first got divorced my daughter was only two and I would have to take her in ladies restrooms out of cleanliness Because nobody had that about the Dad yet and that wasn’t long ago, I was awarded child support but don’t receive a dime and don’t care because I had always figured things out on my own anyways. I feel mostly horrible for my daughter whose lifestyle has been altered with all this drama. The judge has now ordered a physchiatrist at $250 per hour chosen by my daughter’s court appointed attorney whose decisions have shifted towards favoring my mom. The only reason I gave in on agreeing to have that is because my mom could filed something if I didn’t agree that was some sort of loophole that would have dropped my kid right in her lap.
A 10 year old girl is basically like a 12 year old these days and my daughter has been happy being poor and never wants to see her nana again. I mean mom wouldn’t even allow her to call me on the phone that I pay for and the poor girl was being brainwashed. Every time we go to court it’s like the judge says 30 minutes and my moms 4-5 attorneys and experts hog up the docket with slanderous things about me even before I had a kid like stuff that happened in my twenties and then the judges doesn’t have time to really listen to what is going on. I have told my attorney I’m just gonna go on local news Because this is a high powered legal kidnapping. My attorney response is well I will withdraw from your case if u do that. I mean CPS gave me a clean bill. The main problem with my daughter’s attorney now is that I stayed with a friend for a few months because this person I call mom spewed her venom in my relationship which caused issues. I absolutely do not blame her for dumping especially when there were flying monkeys taking pictures of her house and they even followed her to work thinking it was me. She stuck by me for almost two years like a champ.
We all thought as soon as CPS closes the case that we would be able to live a nice quiet life. Well now after two years in hell everything has started clicking now that I’m back under my own roof. I left all furniture with ex and told her I was starting over without know where I would get the money to buy new stuff. I got a small settlement for the employment issue because I had no desire to take it to trial and once again I would talk to attorneys about my slam dunk case, and they weren’t interested in paying attention to the Rock Solid evidence I had. They just wanted $4,000 up front and didn’t even think I would get anything so I decided to handle it on my own and file my own complaints because I had no more money for another attorney I have learned the hard way that the hallmark of a good attorney is one you explain to them once or send to them once and they remember everything you told them in court. Like my mom even gets away with perjury where I have factual data to discount her lies. She has spent her whole life calling me a con, and nothing but a liar because sometimes with a serious narcissist with physcopathy it’s just easier to tell them what they want so u don’t get abused. But overall, I’m probably one of the most honest people and far from a con you can meet. You have to have Character in my career and always be ethical but she would call me that envious of my job and that I made more money than her with less schooling. My college days were rough because my mom would constantly be like I’m not gonna pay for your school so I would take that seriously and just start working full time.
I guess with me working so young that is the benefit Because I’m now a seasoned vet in business. Through all this adversity and with her interference, a competitor jumped all over me and I will be back to normal as far as my career. I’ve been making the salary I made 20 years ago doing a more entry level job which has served its purpose. I’ve never been one to give up on jobs. I felt like when I was living with my fiancée she kept doubling her salary and would put pressure to where I would just self destruct when I would have a good job interview. Plus most people can smell desperation. On top of that she started like competing applying for same jobs I already had interviews for which really brought out an ugly side of me and I would say that was a pivot point for the toxicity that started spewing. I felt so small and she felt so in charge because she was paying all the bills on her own for the first time in her life. Even though I had a good 20 years experience on her she started getting really competitive with me and when I would let her know that it reminded me of how my mother would act, she would minimize me and say don’t be such a victim. What she failed to understand is I was still healing and she was setting me back.
When she abruptly said she was done and kicked my daughter and I to the streets knowing that I had hardly any money and had ruined my credit so couldn’t rent anything, I was so hurt, she went silent and refused to give me closure or even tell me that what we had was real. She had done me just as my mom had and discarded me. I do take responsibility though because I think with all the toxic shit we were dealing with she was just over it. I used to hide my issues with my mom from her but she insisted that she was strong enough to help me get in a better space. Looking back the over sharing of court custody evidence had changed her into what reminded me of my mom. I knew certain things I should’ve kept to myself but she had me convinced that we were gonna work through it all together and I would actually get in trouble by her in passive aggressive ways with silence if I got caught withholding something from my personal stuff from her. It sad what me and my narcissist mother ruined. She was the best mentally and physically until our bullshit just broke her. I was so shocked that I lost that. I am a very loyal companion and outside of my ex, that I was married to for 12 years, I never would settle down because I knew what I was looking for and it took me 5 years of bad dates and terribly matched relationships to find her. I know though too that she is gonna be hard pressed to find a stronger man like me that can totally rebuild his life after blowing it up in less than two years. There were plenty of times I just wanted to give up but I didn’t for what I was told was my wife and new family. Patience I suppose is a virtue and I haven’t come up with the strength to start dating again. It might be years.
It’s just sad that I fully recovered but took longer than she or me wanted and the only thing I really lost is her who was a unicorn when she loved me. I’ll never forgive myself for letting mine and my moms venom ruin my family future.
But, I have to move forward and adjust to being alone again and I think I’m getting there. Moving forward after no contact is the only direction to go. Don’t let bs bog you down. I always knew that I was gonna get back to the person that she fell for and respected. It just took a little longer. So I have decided even if that opportunity comes back around as there is a little hoovering with her, I’m gonna politely decline because I no longer want to live in the past and I feel that if she was my person she would have stuck it out 6 extra months. Life will be good and I finally feel like I’m recovering and my moms lawsuit no longer even gets under my skin. I hope this story helps some of you. I’m of the opinion that my mom is much more extreme like a Narc with physcopathic tendencies but she will never be diagnosed. I’m sure what I’ve written will help someone some day because I had searched the internet and spoken to specialist and nobody could give me examples or really relate to this mother son relationship.
She always used to spank me ground me, I tried to run away as a kid, and she would even kick me out of our nice suburban house as a kid and let me walk to the nearest pay phone to call my dad. Then she would real me back in with like stiff I wanted. Looking back what I was really doing was standing up to her at a young age because her behavior was unacceptable so it would make me rebel worst. I ended up going to a prestigious college and finishing what my mom took away from me over and aver at nights when I was 30. She wouldn’t even go to my graduation or acknowledge that I went there and paid for it on my own Because I reckon she was envious that it was like Ivy League compared to her school. I wasted so many years thinking my relationship with her was normal.
The best thing to do with a Narc like her is no contact. My life has been very stressful but I do t think I would’ve made it trying to fix everything and being gaslighted by her everyday. I’ve learned that friends can be family because she also turned my whole family against me. I don’t understand why even my own dad who used to be married to her doesn’t have a spine enough to say “you’ve done enough to our only son” everyone in my family is owned some way by her except me. I have always been a good man of good character and have always been brave enough to take my beating or whatever to stand my ground. It does get better with no contact and I think I’m even stronger now than I was before and I’m much more emotionally healthy. So eventually I plan on finding my last wife and being the best me I’ve ever been.
Just because this happened to you and you are discovering it, I would recommend keeping dialogue with people that don’t have this issue to a minimum to avoid being labeled as a victim. You tell someone how you feel and you teach them how to do emotional blackmail on you. Only share with people your sure about. Always remember after healing process and discovery of the disorder that you must come out of that space of being a victim otherwise your forward progress will be stuck. Always keep moving forward and trying 120% even when people kick u while your down and I promise life will get better but I hones hope nobody has to do this. It is especially dangerous standing up for yourself with wealthy narcs but it’s also rewarding that u are your own person and I don’t give a shit that I’ve been written out of the will. I just wanted a normal mom my whole life not money and she never cared to listen.
I only told my roommate and asked he not tell my mom so I can figure this out on my own. My gut was telling me that something was going on and she was plotting for this moment to try and take my kid. Well my so called friend and roommate told my mom, told me he emailed my work, after 7 months and an Investigation I found out he didn’t, and even supposedly drafted and printed a copy of the email when he picked me up driving my truck that he decided to clean to his liking and wearing my best clothes.
I was in there 7 days. Also immediately upon turning on my phone I received a text from boss as if they knew I was being released that moment. My mom was my emergency contact because I was single. Boss says we been concerned and I send letter from hospital and then I get referred to HR and they asked if I received a Letter. I told them no I’m on way from hospital.
I get home to a termination letter. I was adjusting to meds and under the impression that roomie had sent the email he assured me he sent. Once home, my ex had been there watching kid and daughter came home saying CPS came to visit her at school. Then minutes later, a lady with a badge was at my door and threatened to take my kid immediately if I didn’t find someone to supervise me. My fiancée had broken up with me the day before getting out, my so called friend all the sudden had money and was spending time at moms which was off and if CPS needed to be called the police would have done that automatically but I didn’t have my kid. I didn’t trust anyone. I finally told my mom what happened and she played like no big deal there’s plenty of jobs and get better. Well come to find out she filed a false police report the day before I got out saying I was gonna get another and do something crazy which prompted the Police to call CPS. I told the lady that she could go to moms for a month for summer while she worked through her investigation. So in the moment the roomie and childhood friend who I trusted my whole life became my supervisor. I noticed how he wasn’t rattled by this as if he had expected. He quickly started staying with my mom which was weird and she essentially made him me. However, he’s not the type that responds to people like that well. Much more passive. So I automatically assumed that he’s the one that called them. By Christmas he literally escaped from her clutches and hat sent me an email recanting his written testimony and was living in a Van in Wal Mart Parking lot living off peanut butter. The empath in me kicked in and I started to go visit him in the parking lot. One day we were out and fiancée said let’s go see him and record him. We recorded all the stuff he told us that contradicted everything. He tried to continue to play me by not telling me important details he knew. He would say it just makes his muscles tense to talk about it but then ask me to buy him a burger. Well come to find out it was him and her that made sure family services came out according to new stuff discovered. I mean how much can u mess with a persons brain. I would gladly take a punch in the face any day over emotional blackmail. I guess since he felt so noble to do that to me I felt it was only the proper thing to do to report him for some crimes he made me aware of. When she got that audio where he’s says that she offered him like $200k to do this to me she sent it to him and he confronted me about it and was acting squirrelly as if he was still trying to play both sides. I explained to him that I just took out an insurance policy on him so he can’t just run back for the money. You can tell he was devastated. She was even paying his child support for him to keep him out of clink and offered to pay $10k to fix his rotten teeth and bought me suits. Anyways I blocked him and will no longer talk to him again. No contact with the flying monkey!!!
Mom was Banking on CPS placing her with her but they didn’t. When I got kid back she told me that mom said I didn’t love her, tried to enroll her in school, and offered to buy anything. And said she should have aborted me. The investigation was closed with no findings, I’m now unemployed and mom says she didn’t talk to my employer. We then agreed to CPS to do services and they believed my daughter and I about mom and gave me counseling for all the abuse she had done to me and told me to keep my kid away from her.
As the dust started to settle, I started waiting tables, then got a job but got fired because someone called up there and said I was a child abuser. I then filed unemployment who the referred me to DOL for Possible FMLA issue.
Almost a year goes buy, my fiancée and I are now living in her house because I could no longer afford mine and rented it out. I had my car reposssesed and mom even offered me $20k for kid in writing for which I said nope.
She became increasingly angry and then decided to sue me for custody all while I had just started working an entry level job. She makes up all sorts of hearsay lies, pays my old roomie to write a affidavit that was false and now going on year two of a suit. My fiancée had enough after the drama and toxicity it brought into our relationship and I found myself without anywhere to go until a friend offered to rent a room.
Judge has not given her any visitation but she has 4 attorneys racking up my 1. She is now going to trial. All her stuff is slander, untrue, and not factual. I don’t understand why it hasn’t been thrown out. I have factual evidence to discredit her lies. I even went to police report to hold her acccountable for cams she put in my house but police said no crime and would even let me show them the devices because it was my mom.
My roomie took my daughter’s dog that I paid $3k for on her 8th bday to moms and she says it hers under oath even though I have receipts. She tells people im dead and even contemplated have a funeral on Facebook for me!!!
She told me I should have just off myself. All these years she had been attempting to build a case on me to take my kid. Per now former employer she spoke with them and I have in writing. I cannot believe that everyone seems to believe her side of this diabolical story. My kid and I have been almost two years no contact. I even told the police she threatened to kill me and they were like that might very well happen.
Restraining order denied. This is truly one of the most diabolical nRc stories out theirs.have much more but too long already
submitted by Electronic_Stomach88 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 22:25 lhrwf Sent this 8 page long journal entry to the only lady at my uni health center who'd listen to me, maybe if you guys want you can take a read and see if any of this is relatable. Changed some names for privacy I guess

September 22, 2020
14:11

I think this is my fourth or fifth time creating a new journal format. I think typing on text documents will be the best way to do this FOR REAL, since I'll be able to keep all my files dated in one centralized location and go back in the document to add things while making entries.

Although this is going to be a series of entries in my personal journal, I think it will help if I send these entries to some of the doctors in my life - I just really need to tell somebody what I'm feeling, because I don't think I can keep this to myself anymore. I've already spoken to my psychiatrist and therapist about this, but I feel like they're not taking me seriously because (I believe) mental health professionals don't take kindly to self-diagnosis. I'm not saying that I'm diagnosing myself with a mental illness or disorder or anything - I just think that a depersonalization-derealization disorder (DDPD/DPDR) diagnosis is the best explanation for how I'm feeling. I'm not sure if what I've just said is contradictory to my insistence that I'm not diagnosing myself. All I know is, something feels incredibly wrong ALL the time, and it is beginning to affect me to a point of interfering with my daily life.

Okay, I guess what I am going to do now will seem like I'm trying to diagnose myself with DDPD/DPDR. I HATE feeling like I'm faking things. I feel like an imposter in my life ALL the time, so I really hate this. Before I got diagnosed (I think I was diagnosed? I don't really know what exactly is written in my health history) with major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), I always told myself that the way I feel was just how everyone felt all the time. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me, and that it separates me from "normal" people. It makes me feel like I'm trying really hard to be a special snowflake, when I'm not. I don't want to be special. I don't want to be mentally ill. I just want to be able to live my life without worrying about my brain, or whether or not I have control over my thoughts or not. My psychiatrist (Dr. Alice) told me to look into ADHD testing too - ADHD was something that I had read about before, and I have family history with, but never really applied to myself. I feel like the brain problems just keep piling up, and I have no control over it. I feel like I'm going to become one of those people who tell others that I have something wrong with myself, just to garner attention. I HATE feeling like I'm begging for attention. I just want to find out what is wrong with me, if there is anything wrong with me, or if this is normal and I'm supposed to live like this for the rest of my life!

Sorry, I just rambled a little bit. This happens a lot. Okay, so now I guess I'm going to contradict my insistence on being anti-self-diagnosis and try to fit myself into the DDPD/DPDR description. I'm going to copy and paste things straight from the Mayo Clinic webpage (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disordesymptoms-causes/syc-20352911), and annotate as I go.

"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both."
I feel like this for a good part of my day, everyday. I'm always thinking that I don't have any control over what is happening in my life, and that I'm just watching a movie play out in first person. It's like a POV video game about one girl's really boring and depressing life. This makes me feel like it really doesn't matter if I commit suicide, since the movie will just be over. It feels like people in my life are just characters for me to interact with. I can't wrap my head around the notion that other people have lives too, and experience things too. The idea that other people have their own perspective, and that I'm a part of their lives just as they're a part of mine, feels incredibly strange. It makes more sense to me that other people would just be characters, and that I'm just a character. Even as I'm writing out this document, I feel like I'm not the one writing my own thoughts down. This is just an account from somebody living this role. This isn't just a SOMETIMES feeling. I feel like this EVERYDAY. I think I have been feeling this way for as long as I have been capable of forming my own thoughts; to elaborate, I wasn't capable of complex thought (nor do I have any memory from) when I was an infant, toddler, or very small child. The earliest time I can recall feeling so lost was elementary or middle school. I feel like people don't really understand me when I tell them that I have been feeling depersonalized for as long as I can remember, or they think I'm exaggerating. I'M NOT. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a video game character, or an actor in a movie. I don't even think I have a personality. I think I just force myself to act normal, like everyone else, or they will call me insane. I hate looking in the mirror and looking down at my own hands, because it forces me to remember that I'm stuck in this meat bag body.

"Many people have a passing experience of depersonalization or derealization at some point. But when these feelings keep occurring or never completely go away and interfere with your ability to function, it's considered depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder is more common in people who've had traumatic experiences."
Yes, these feelings keep occuring AND recently have been so intense that I can't keep up with my academic work. I used to be able to ignore them, but the feelings keep getting worse and worse. I'll talk more about my traumatic experiences later, if you can call them that. I don't think the things I've experienced in my life are severe or shocking enough to be considered trauma, but I think I've gone through some stuff which I previously thought was normal and it turned out that they weren't normal.

"Persistent and recurrent episodes of depersonalization or derealization or both cause distress and problems functioning at work or school or in other important areas of your life. During these episodes, you are aware that your sense of detachment is only a feeling and not reality. The experience and feelings of the disorder can be difficult to describe. Worry about 'going crazy' can cause you to become preoccupied with checking that you exist and determining what's actually real. Symptoms usually begin in the mid- to late teens or early adulthood. Depersonalization-derealization disorder is rare in children and older adults."
Yup, sounds about right. Literally everything I said in the past paragraph fits this description. Also, Dr. Anna has told me (what I already know) about depersonalization being a symptom of depression. She also told me to lay off the weed, since it can exacerbate depersonalization. This is why I feel like she isn't really listening to me. I have felt depersonalization WAY BEFORE I knew what depression or weed was. I feel depersonalization regardless of how shitty or good I'm feeling. I can be having a perfectly fine day and still be thinking things like "I'm feeling good today, but why? Why do I feel good today. Today is a day where I have been programmed to feel good. Why?"

"Symptoms of depersonalization include:
Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body — for example, as if you were floating in air above yourself
Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories"
I feel like an outside observer. I feel like a robot A LOT OF THE TIME. That's a really good way that Mayo Clinic put it. I don't experience the third symptom, other than MAYBE the times I look at my arms, hands, or legs and feel very detached from them, like they aren't my extremities for me to control. Emotional and physical numbness occurs particularly often, especially when I'm too depressed to do anything but lay in bed. I relate to the last symptom a lot. Recently, my sent me a bunch of pictures of myself from earlier in my life. I'm talking, photographic evidence of me getting the highest grade point average in middle school, to pictures of me in uniform in high school. None of the things in those pictures look like things that I have done. I can't even remember what I was like in middle school. I don't know who I used to be, or if I ever WAS that person. On a tangential point, sometimes I get really fucking weirded out about my parents being... my parents. I think things like, is that really my mom? Is that really my dad? I can't believe these people are my parents. This isn't because they were like, abusive or whatever. I think this about my brother too. It just feels weird that I have a supposedly close familial relationship with these people who very well might be strangers to me.


"Symptoms of derealization include:
Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example, like you're living in a movie or a dream
Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects".
Oh, I guess the first two things here go more along the lines of what I said near the end of the last paragraph. The only additional thing I can relate to here is the distortions in perception of time. Recent events do feel like the distant past to me. I can feel very detached from things that happened yesterday or the day before. I don't think I've experienced intense heightened awareness and clarity of my surroundings - I mean, I have, but it isn't common for me. I don't experience distortion of distance and the size and shape of objects, but sometimes I can get lost in my head while thinking about shapes. One time, I was in bed and I couldn't move for some period of time (it could have been anywhere between ten minutes or two hours, I can't tell) because I kept thinking about tesseracts. A tesseract is a 4-D cube, search it up if you don't know what it is. Specifically, look for "tesseract gif". Imagine that, but changing in rainbow hues. I was thinking about that. Again, though, this isn't really common for me. I also don't know if the tesseract visualization I was experiencing is even an example of derealization.

"See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization or derealization that:
Are disturbing you or are emotionally disruptive
Don't go away or keep coming back
Interfere with work, relationships or daily activities".
I have spoken about my experiences with my therapist Karen and Dr. Alice. I don't think either of them took it seriously, which is why I'm writing this long-ass fucking essay. Read my points from earlier about why this is a big deal for me to harp on about - I HATE making myself seem "special", but this is a part of my life that is beginning to get really debilitating.

"Symptoms of depersonalization-derealization disorder may be related to childhood trauma or other experiences or events that cause severe emotional stress or trauma."
Okay, so now, I'm going to begin listing things that have happened to me in the past which I think might be relevant to why I am the way I am today. I'm not saying these are traumatic events, or they're special events, I just think they affected me in a signficant manner. Also, there is probably more to unpack - these are just the things I can remember off the top of my head. Okay, here I go:
  1. When I was in elementary school, my best friend Jessica died from a heart attack. The day before, I had been playing with her at her house. This was all really sudden to me, and I couldn't really wrap my head around the fact that my best friend was now dead and gone forever. I tried to make it seem like I was fine, but it really wasn't. I even forgot about it for a bit, but it is obviously still in the back of my head.

  1. My mom and dad divorced when I was really young, before I was 10 years old (I can't remember the exact age this happened). The age is relevant because it means I was probably still in some important stage of psychological formation. I don't know, I'm kind of talking out of my ass on that point. Anyways, I don't think the actual divorce and living alone with my mother or father affected me that much, but one thing I do believe affected me was the events leading up to the divorce. My mom and dad would yell at each other really loudly, making me cry and whimper alone in a corner of the house. I tried to hide. I remember one especially nasty fight, where my mom dragged my brother and I out of whatever corner we were hiding in, to confront my dad. She told my brother to pinch my dad. She said "Pinch him! Your dad is making mom upset. Don't you want to protect mom? Pinch him if you love mom, or else you're a bad son!" She didn't make me hurt my dad or anything, and I think all my brother did was go up to my dad and lightly squeeze his arm. Let me emphasize that I don't think I suffered any physical abuse as a child, nor do I believe that either of my parents are bad people. My mom was under a lot of emotional duress at this point, same goes for my father. I don't blame either of them for their fights or how it affected me. This is just something I remember really vividly, for some reason. After the divorce, I would live with either my mom or my dad for the weekday and visit one of them on the weekends. I don't know the reasons why, but the custody situation switched from my brother and I living with my dad for the week and seeing my mom on weekends, to living with my mom for the week and seeing my dad on weekends. I also vaguely remember being separated from my brother for a period of time, but I can't place a time or reason on this.

  1. A little while after the divorce, my mom rushed my brother and I to my dad's house one day. She probably took my brother and I with her because she either couldn't find a babysitter, or we couldn't afford one (we were pretty poor growing up - lived paycheck to paycheck for the majority of my childhood, up to high school). It was the middle of the day. The door was locked, and my mom was really frantic. We had to bust in through the windows to get into the house. We found my dad unconscious or barely conscious on the floor, and I remember there being empty pill bottles scattered around him. His arm was limp, and his hand was open, the way that people who die in the movies go from having clenched fists to a relaxed hand when they die and power leaves their body. Of course, being a little kid, I had no idea what was going on. I remember my mom crying and calling an ambulance. After my dad was admitted to the hospital, I asked my mom what was happening. It really breaks my heart to remember the things I said. I asked things like, "Mom, why was dad sleeping on the floor instead of his bed? Why did he take so much medicine? Was dad really sick?" My mom couldn't answer me, because she was crying. We visited my dad in the hospital a couple of days later. He was still really feeble, and barely able to answer me through tears and a dry mouth when I asked him "Dad, are you okay? Why are you in the hospital? When can we come to your house?" He told me he was sick and took too much medicine by accident. Obviously, looking back on this now, my dad had made a suicide attempt.

  1. My paternal grandfather died of colon cancer when I was really young. I don't remember much about him other than the fact that my brother and I spent a lot of time in his hospital room, and that he really adored me. This isn't really important though.

  1. When my brother and I were around 11 or 12, living with my mom and her boyfriend (now stepfather), she would usually cook our food for the next day the night before. A lot of Korean cooking has to do with boiling the ever-loving shit out of a ton of ingredients until it becomes a delicious stew or soup, so my mom would often leave big pots of stew or soup on the stove for us to have the next day. This is because, again, we were really poor. My mom would work 12 hour days, and couldn't really cook for us throughout the day and watch us. So, we would be woken up by my mom, she'd make sure we ate breakfast, she would leave for work, and we'd walk to school. After school, we would heat up whatever dinner she cooked the night before, and she'd come back around 8 or 9 PM at night. A lot of the time, we'd be asleep by the time she came back. Okay anyways, she would cook these gigantic pots of stew for us to eat. One night, she left the pot on the stove and forgot to turn the burner all the way off. I don't blame her for this, she was exhausted. As we were sleeping, smoke filled the apartment. We ended up being woken up in the middle of the night, having to evacuate. The firemen let us back into the apartment when they made sure everything was okay. I'm not sure if this is all that important, but its something I remember.

  1. Around the same age, my brother and I were at my dads house when lightning struck. It was a very stormy night, and I remember the thunder being super loud for an hour or so before it hit us. My dad and I are both really heavy sleepers, but this loud crash of thunder made us wake up. I distinctly remember saying to my dad, "Wow, that was really loud!" He told me to go back to sleep. The next time I woke up that night, there were firemen banging on our door, telling us to wake up and leave. I was really confused, but I gathered my glasses, socks, Nintendo DS, laptop, and laptop charger before shuffling out of the house with my dad and brother in our pajamas. The second floor of our house (which my dad rented out to tenants, who were absent at the time) was on fire. We had to sleep in a hotel overnight. The house was claimed by the bank afterwards, I still don't really understand the legal reasons for why we couldn't go back. My dad ended up having to move into an apartment he couldn't really afford but had no choice to rent (NYC housing is a bitch). Basically, the home I grew up in was taken from me overnight by force of nature. My brother wrote about this for his college application essays.

  1. My brother and I were alone a lot growing up. We weren't neglected intentionally - my parents had to work really long hours to keep us alive. I am grateful to have loving parents who care about me. Its just that, because of my family's economic hardship, I didn't really get to spend a lot of time with my parents. My brother and I just had to look out for each other. Luckily, now both my parents are in a better financial situation. However, I definitely didn't get the emotional support or understanding I needed when I was growing up. I think I had to mature early. All the stuff American kids typically go through in high school (teenage angst and whatnot), I went through in middle school. Kids called me names, made fun of me for being alone and quiet, and generally picked at my insecurities a lot. In the words of comedy extroardinaire John Mulaney, kids will make fun of you in an ACCURATE way. I had exceptionally bushy eyebrows, a TON of arm and leg hair, and unflattering glasses and hair. This affected me a lot, and I self-harmed for the first time in middle school. My mom noticed the cuts on my arm a while after, and got really angry at me. I understand why. I don't blame her.

  1. I am the "smart" sibling. My brother always had more friends, but lower grades. By the way, he's one year older than me. Anyways, I had higher grades than him growing up. In high school, I was even in the same math and science classes as him despite the age difference. I'm not trying to boast. I think I worked decently hard enough for my grades - I didn't break my back over them, but I made sure to complete all my homework and I tried to pay attention in class. Also, it isn't hard to stand out academically in a shitty NYC education system. Schools are underfunded, kids are generally middle or lower class. So, I was always "gifted". The reason why this is relevant is because I was never really acknowledged for being good. My mom kind of took it for granted, like I was supposed to bring home no less than a 95% or a 98%. She didn't do this on purpose, she was just used to me being the "smart" kid. The thing that kind of fucked me up was, my brother's grades generally hovered around the 80% or less margin. Whenever he brought home an 85% or a 90%, he would be showered with praise. It was really annoying. I'm talking about this because it probably messed me up somehow. It didn't help that my friends around me would tell me things like, "My mom said she'd buy me a guitar if I passed my algebra test." Like, what? My mom says "mhm, okay" if I bring home a 100%. Whatever. Now I'm dumb as fuck though, and I don't really deserve to attend an Ivy League school. Not that the words "Ivy League" even mean anything. Its just a stupid title given out for being an old fucking school with a football team.

  1. I could go on and on about things my mom screamed at me for. I don't want to make her seem like a bad person, she's not. She was working 12 hours a day and had two mouths to feed. She immigrated here by herself and had no family to reach out to during these times. Long work hours and puberty hormones make a great formula for mom-and-daughter screaming matches. This made me cry a lot.
WHEW, that was a lot. Back to the Mayo Clinic!

"Factors that may increase the risk of depersonalization-derealization disorder include:
Certain personality traits that make you want to avoid or deny difficult situations or make it hard to adapt to difficult situations
Severe trauma, during childhood or as an adult, such as experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event or abuse
Severe stress, such as major relationship, financial or work-related issues
Depression or anxiety, especially severe or prolonged depression, or anxiety with panic attacks
Using recreational drugs, which can trigger episodes of depersonalization or derealization".
I don't know what the "certain personality traits" are, but I do have a hard time adapting to difficult situations. I don't like change. I also usually just ignore whatever problems I have, which is why I have gone so long without seeking psychiatric help for the shittiness I've felt since I was in junior high. Read the previous paragraph for "trauma", if you can call it that. I think I am also a pretty stressful person due to my academics, and the previous paragraph addressed the financial insecurities I've become accustomed to. Haha, I am depressed and anxious. I also have panic attacks often. I do use recreational drugs sometimes, but they haven't specifically been a trigger for my depersonalization or derealization.

"Episodes of depersonalization or derealization can be frightening and disabling. They can cause:
Difficulty focusing on tasks or remembering things
Interference with work and other routine activities
Problems in relationships with your family and friends
Anxiety or depression
A sense of hopelessness".
Check off everything in this list.

Okay, here's a YouTube video I watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tB3UE-Ckn6k. This guy rattled off a ton of stuff that I just kept nodding in response to. I didn't bother checking his credentials or whatever, but just watch the video.

Side note: I feel especially dissociated when I have panic attacks. That's kind of paradoxical, I guess, since my panic attacks overload me with a TON of physical symptoms like cold sweats, numbness/pins and needles in my hands and feet, dizziness, and hyperventilation. Despite those highly physically grounding symptoms, my headspace is always detached from the current situation when I panic. I think the way it works is, my brain likes to remove itself from the stress it is going through.

Okay, this is out of the organizational structure I had in mind for this journal entry, but I'm remembering something now and I need to write it down before I forget. One time a few weeks ago, I was afraid to leave my room because I felt like all the NPC characters put in my life would go haywire and turn on me for realizing that they're all NPCs. Have you ever watched The Good Place? Near the end of the first season, Eleanor announces that "THIS is the Bad Place", and Michael starts laughing demonically. I kind of felt like that was going to happen if I left my room. Like, I'd run into my housemates in the hall and they'd suddenly start grinning evilly once they notice I'm a little skeeved out. This is completely off the rails bonkers. I feel like I'm going insane. Another thing I feel often is a sense of faking my identity. I feel like everyone thinks I'm the smart bitch, and I work really hard to get the grades I do. I have a 3.67 -ish GPA. That's not awful, but not ideal. Look, it takes me SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT to get a GPA like that. I do "work" for long hours, but people don't understand that I'M NOT SMART. I spend more than half of the time "studying" just lost in my own thoughts, but the amount of time I spend "studying" makes people think I'm so hardworking. I'm NOT.

Now onto the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for DDPD/DPDR:
"A. The presence of persistent or recurrent experiences of depersonalization, derealization or both:
Depersonalization: Experiences of unreality, detachment, or being an outside observer with respect to one's thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, or actions (e.g., perceptual alterations, distorted sense of time, unreal or absent self, emotional and/or physical numbing).

Derealization: Experiences of unreality or detachment with respect to surroundings (e.g., individuals or objects are experienced as unreal, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, or visually distorted.
B. During the depersonalization or derealization experiences, reality testing remains intact.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or other medical condition (e.g., seizures).
E. The disturbance is not better explained by another mental disorder, such as schizophrenia, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, acute stress disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, or another dissociative disorder."
Check off points A, B, C, and D. I am not so sure about E. This is why I need help from professionals. I need to know if what I'm feeling is just a part of all the other stuff wrong with my brain or not.

I'm tired of writing now. I wasted so much time writing this out, I have a lot of schoolwork to catch up on after I tried to kill myself last week. Which, by the way, I did because everything felt so FAKE. I reasoned that killing myself is ultimately an insigificant plot point in this story, and that once I'm unable to formulate thought, I'll finally be out of this hellhole. My parents came up to visit me afterwards. That got me stuck in another thinking loop. Like, sure, I'm their daughter, and they care about me. But why do they care about me? Are these people even my parents? What memories do I even have with them? I hate this so much.

ANYWAYS, like I said, I'm tired of writing now. I'm going to try and do some schoolwork now, but what'll probably happen is I'll get distracted and not do the things I have to. I don't fucking care anymore. BYE.
submitted by lhrwf to dpdr [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 10:13 dreamofmoni I never got a childhood

I don’t consent to this being shared. I don’t know if this is the right place to vent about this but as I draw more near to my 18th birthday I realize this more and more. I never got a childhood. At all. My parents raised somehow turned me into some insanely amazing child prodigy. Reading simply books by age 2(I’ve seen video proof of this), having nothing left to be taught all the way from pre-K to Kindergarten. The school system and teachers kept wanting to bump me up grades in school, eventually someone had the bright idea to test my IQ and lo and behold, it clocked out at 160. They threw me into some special High Education class where I got to learn high school work. AND ALL OF IT SUCKED. It was too much fucking pressure to place on a kid from the age of 5. From pre-K to 5th grade I was never a child. I wasn’t encouraged to play and was encouraged to read instead because my teachers drilled into my head “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it”. If I behaved in a silly way, I was told by teachers that I should “know better” and “be the example”. There were 7 kids in my class from 1st through 5th grade, the same seven kids and the same 2 teachers through all those years. It was a school rule that other kids weren’t allowed to play with us on the rare chance we would be allowed to play during recess, and I’ve still never found the reason why. The class itself was called P.E.G.S class. Profoundly Educated Gifted Students class. It was different from regular gifted as this class was all 5 days a week, extra hard curriculum. My mother saved some of my assignments from back then, and looking at it now it’s stuff that I’m “re-learning” as a senior in high school. After that class ended in 5th grade they tried to integrate us into regular schooling, almost like we were a science experiment gone wrong. All of us are social pretty stunted. Academically we all struggle, and when we talk about why we all have the same mentality, “I know this, I’ve already done it, I shouldn’t have to and will not do it again”. We never pass in assignments, and yet ace every test. They took regular kids, made them study like high school and college students for years, and are now SO CONFUSED as to why all of us are struggling to thrive. They made us all take a college level entrance exam to apply for a summer program for profoundly gifted students, and I somehow passed at age 7. But you know what that does to me now? It’s like it gives all my teachers a pass to say “don’t be lazy, do you work you’ve been doing this since childhood and obviously you’ll attend an Ivy League college.” My whole childhood, summers, winter and spring breaks, everything, was educational. I never got a break. My parents made me start violin training at age 3. Congrats, I can play beautiful sonatas but MY ONLY FRIEND WAS MY CAT WHO DIED. My mom to her credit tried to give me a normal home child life, but when you go to school(read “training”) from 7:30 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon, and have it instilled in you that you have to be intelligent and mature beyond your years, you think you’ll get punished for being a child. I never got a normal childhood. Ever. So now here I am at 17, failing school(honestly fuck it, I really do remember everything anyway), having one close friend that has had to teach me social cues, dreading college life, being so scared that I’ll lose my “god given brain”, trying to relive my lack of childhood through pacifiers and Disney movies, watching my violin collect dust, and wondering why the hell I couldn’t be normal. I have proof of everything I’ve said, and if no one believes me, I can post it on here. Specific papers from a state diagnostician where it states my IQ, high school work dated from when I was 7 done in messy cursive(in my class work wouldn’t be accepted if it wasn’t written in cursive), the paper where I was told I passed a college entrance exam, I have proof of it all.
ETA: my mom really does love me and is insanely sorry for my stunning lack of childhood, as I said to her credit whenever I was home she tried to give me a normal childhood life, but the damage from school had already been done so it never worked. Also I’m a girl, just for clarification.
submitted by dreamofmoni to Vent [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 00:25 rayef3rw A Brief Look at How Covid-19 Impacts Current Annual Consecutive Game Streaks

I think the fact that this season will be a college football season like no other goes without saying. This year is a patchwork quilt of teams that are or aren't playing this fall (or something in-between), with many more games likely to be postponed or canceled due to ongoing Covid-19-related fallout.
Perhaps the only close comparison is the 1918 season, where the closing months of WWI sidelined many of the teams that had traditionally played college football, and the Spanish Flu sidelined the rest for varying periods of time.
Looking back through the history of college football, the World Wars (US involvement during 1917-1918 and 1941-1945) have been the two primary disruptors of the traditional yearly meetings between college football teams. I'll do a little more analysis later on in the post, but the vast majority of the existing consecutive game streaks in college football date to post-WWII, with only 27 currently-surviving consecutive match-ups dating to before 1941.
With that introduction, let's take a look at the longest-surviving uninterrupted match-ups in college football and which ones will be impacted this fall. As a quick aside, this of course all depends on how these records get counted going forward and whether a Spring 2020 season (if/when it happens) will be fully counted as the "2020" season, so I'll just add the caveat that these are uninterrupted fall meetings for now -- and assume that applies throughout.
Let me also preface this list by saying that while I tried to include all of the smaller FCS/DII conferences, I would be shocked if I didn't miss a few. If you notice any uninterrupted rivalry games missing from this list, please! -- let me know!
Matchup Current Streak Started Consecutive Years Played Playing Fall 2020? Source(s)
Lafayette Lafayette Lehigh Lehigh 1897 123 NO source
Minnesota Minnesota Wisconsin Wisconsin 1907 113 NO source
Clemson Clemson South Carolina South Carolina 1909 111 NO source
NC State NC State Wake Forest Wake Forest 1910 110 YES source
Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma State Oklahoma State 1910 110 YES source
Kansas Kansas Kansas State Kansas State 1911 109 YES source
Iowa State Iowa State Kansas State Kansas State 1917 103 YES source
Michigan Michigan Ohio State Ohio State 1918 102 NO source
Brown Brown Yale Yale 1919 101 NO source
Cornell Cornell Dartmouth Dartmouth 1919 101 NO source
Cornell Cornell Pennsylvania Pennsylvania 1919 101 NO source
North Carolina North Carolina Virginia Virginia 1919 101 YES source
Columbia Columbia Cornell Cornell 1920 100 NO source
Indiana Indiana Purdue Purdue 1920 100 NO source
Duke Duke North Carolina North Carolina 1922 98 YES source
Dartmouth Dartmouth Yale Yale 1925 95 NO source
Georgia Georgia Georgia Tech Georgia Tech 1925 95 NO source
Illinois Illinois Northwestern Northwestern 1927 93 NO source
Navy Navy Notre Dame Notre Dame 1927 93 NO source
Oklahoma Oklahoma Texas Texas 1929 91 YES source
Army Army Navy Navy 1930 90 YES source
Iowa Iowa Minnesota Minnesota 1931 89 NO source
California California UCLA UCLA 1933 87 NO source
Morehouse Morehouse TuskegeeTuskegee 1936 84 NO source1
Southern California USC UCLA UCLA 1936 84 NO source
Colgate Colgate Cornell Cornell 1937 83 NO source
Columbia Columbia Dartmouth Dartmouth 1940 80 NO source
Columbia Columbia Pennsylvania Pennsylvania 1941 79 NO source
Columbia Columbia Yale Yale 1943 77 NO source
Alabama Alabama Mississippi State Mississippi State 1944 76 YES source
Alabama Alabama Tennessee Tennessee 1944 76 YES source
Auburn Auburn Georgia Georgia 1944 76 YES source
Florida Florida Georgia Georgia 1944 76 YES source
Kentucky Kentucky Tennessee Tennessee 1944 76 YES source
LSU LSU Mississippi State Mississippi State 1944 76 YES source
Mississippi State Mississippi State Ole Miss Ole Miss 1944 76 YES source
Richmond Richmond William & Mary William & Mary 1944 76 NO source
Washington Washington Washington State Washington State 1944 76 NO source
Alabama A&M Alabama A&M Alabama State Alabama State 1945 75 NO source
Baylor Baylor TCU TCU 1945 75 YES source
Brown Brown Harvard Harvard 1945 75 NO source
Cincinnati Cincinnati Miami (OH) Miami (OH) 1945 75 NO source
Dartmouth Dartmouth Princeton Princeton 1945 75 NO source
Harvard Harvard Yale Yale 1945 75 NO source
LSU LSU Ole Miss Ole Miss 1945 75 YES source
Miami (OH) Miami (OH) Ohio Ohio 1945 75 NO source
Michigan Michigan Michigan State Michigan State 1945 75 NO source
Oregon Oregon Oregon State Oregon State 1945 75 NO source
Princeton Princeton Yale Yale 1945 75 NO source
Tennessee Tennessee Vanderbilt Vanderbilt 1945 75 YES source
Washington Washington Washington State Washington State 1945 75 NO source
Arizona Arizona Arizona State Arizona State 1946 74 NO source
Brown Brown Princeton Princeton 1946 74 NO source
California California Stanford Stanford 1946 74 NO source
Colorado State Colorado State Wyoming Wyoming 1946 74 NO source
Dartmouth Dartmouth Harvard Harvard 1946 74 NO source
Harvard Harvard Princeton Princeton 1946 74 NO source
Montana Montana Montana State Montana State 1946 74 NO source
New Hampshire New Hampshire Maine Maine 1946 74 NO source
New Mexico New Mexico New Mexico State New Mexico State 1946 74 NO source
North Dakota State North Dakota State South Dakota State South Dakota State 1946 74 NO source
Notre Dame Notre Dame Southern California USC 1946 74 NO source
Sam Houston State Sam Houston State Stephen F. Austin Stephen F. Austin 1946 74 NO source
Southern California USC Stanford Stanford 1946 74 NO source
Albany State Albany State Fort Valley State Fort Valley State 1947 73 NO source
Alabama Alabama Auburn Auburn 1948 72 YES source
Bowling Green Bowling Green Toledo Toledo 1948 72 NO source
Columbia Columbia Harvard Harvard 1948 72 NO source
Cornell Cornell Yale Yale 1949 71 NO source
Cornell Cornell Princeton Princeton 1949 71 NO source
Brown Brown Pennsylvania Pennsylvania 1950 70 NO source
Bucknell Bucknell Lehigh Lehigh 1950 70 NO source
McNeese State McNeese Northwestern State Northwestern State 1951 69 NO source
Columbia Columbia Princeton Princeton 1952 68 NO source
Kentucky Kentucky Vanderbilt Vanderbilt 1953 67 YES source
North Carolina North Carolina NC State NC State 1953 67 YES source
Cornell Cornell Harvard Harvard 1954 66 NO source
Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Princeton Princeton 1954 66 NO source
Brown Brown Cornell Cornell 1955 65 NO source
Brown Brown Dartmouth Dartmouth 1955 65 NO source
Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Syracuse Syracuse 1955 65 YES source
Baylor Baylor Texas Tech Texas Tech 1956 64 YES source
Dartmouth Dartmouth Pennsylvania Pennsylvania 1956 64 NO source
Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Yale Yale 1956 64 NO source
Harvard Harvard Pennsylvania Pennsylvania 1956 64 NO source
Florida Florida Florida State Florida State 1958 62 NO source
Grambling State Grambling Southern Southern 1958 62 NO source
Jackson State Jackson State Southern Southern 1958 62 NO source
Texas Texas Texas Tech Texas Tech 1960 60 YES source
Alabama Alabama LSU LSU 1964 56 YES source
Georgia Georgia Vanderbilt Vanderbilt 1968 52 YES source
Florida State Florida State Miami Miami 1969 51 YES source
Iowa Iowa Iowa State Iowa State 1970 50 NO source
Ole Miss Ole Miss Vanderbilt Vanderbilt 1970 50 YES source
Virginia Virginia Virginia Tech Virginia Tech 1970 50 YES* source
Air Force Air Force Army Army 1971 49 YES source
Clemson Clemson NC State NC State 1971 49 NO source
Florida Florida LSU LSU 1971 49 YES source
Air Force Air Force Navy Navy 1972 48 YES source
*Game currently postponed
So, what does this all mean? I won't do a full re-hash of the chart, but I'll do some highlights and summaries of the important sections below.
As a side note, I kind of arbitrarily chose to end in 1972, but it has some justification that I'll get to later on. Really, though, it was mostly just because I felt like that was a decent stopping point.

Most Common Causes of Breaks Before Covid

So, what was the primary reason that most these consecutive game streaks last came to an end? And will it be beaten out by Covid, assuming Spring 2020 doesn't count/doesn't happen? I didn't do a fully exhaustive search (partly because some stuff was hard to find and partly because I got tired of looking, if we're being honest), but World War II ended the bulk of the streaks on this list, adding up to about 40 of the matches. The other factors aren't particularly close to matching that total, though World War I is probably the next closest, aside from generic scheduling conflicts/choosing not to schedule each other, with about 5 stoppages.
Other common factors included:
Other less common reasons for breaks that I found amusing included:

Implications

Discontinued Games

The teams and conferences that suffer the most from this are exactly who you'd expect it to be. The Ivy League, Big Ten, and Pac-12 are losing the most uninterrupted games, though the Patriot League, the SWAC, and the MAC are also losing some notable matches
By far the most notable game that will not be played this fall will be the LafayetteLafayette LehighLehigh match-up; it will be the first time in 123 years that the game won't be played in the fall. It was last forgone in 1896 due to a dispute over player eligibility; had it not been for that break in relations, The Rivalry would have dated back wholly uninterrupted to the two teams' first meeting in 1884, which would have been good for 136 consecutive years of playing.
The next oldest game not to be played this fall is the MinnesotaMinnesota WisconsinWisconsin game, followed by the ClemsonClemson South CarolinaSouth Carolina game, which has been played continuously since 1909, meaning the 2020 season will be the end of 3 of the longest-running continuous series in all of college football.
Finally, one game I hate to see go is the MorehouseMorehouse TuskegeeTuskegee match, which had previously been played continuously since 1936. I couldn't find a lot about the history of this series online very easily, but it's the longest-running HBCU match I could find. Several other historic HBCU rivalries ended temporarily fairly recently owing to the disbanding of Prairie View A&MPrairie View A&M for the 1990 football season.

Previously Unbroken Series

Unfortunately, Covid is putting an end to a few series which have previously met every year without interruption. Those matches include:

Non-Conference Games That Were Maintained

You've got to give a lot of credit to any ADs who managed to keep non-conference rivalry games going through all this. The only consecutive non-conference rivalry games that will survive undamaged are those belonging to three major service academies. Unfortunately, the Merchant MarinesMerchant Marine and the Coast GuardCoast Guard were not so fortunate, and have canceled their fall season.
The ArmyArmy, NavyNavy, and Air ForceAir Force managed to keep afloat their rivalries which have been played continuously since 1971/72 for the Air Force and since 1930 for the Army and Navy. This was possible only by the work of the Air Force, who, as of right now, will be playing only Army and Navy this fall, though the Mountain West Conference did recently announce a revised schedule which allows for 2 non-conference games, so this could change. Both ArmyArmy and NavyNavy are currently playing full schedules.
This was really the main reason I stopped making my list in 1972. That, and it lets me talk about the Textile Bowl (NC State vs Clemson). I'll discuss that in the following section.

Games Unlikely to Be Rescheduled

Though most of these games are intra-conference games that can be rescheduled in the Spring fairly easily, there are a few notable games that will almost certainly not be. Many of these games include teams who will both be playing this season, but will be playing in different conferences or unable to meet for other reasons. These games include:

Non-Conference Games Which Can (Probably) Be Rescheduled

While Conference games are possible to be scheduled fairly easily, there are a few non-conference games which will probably be resumed this Spring.

Closing

To answer that question I posed earlier (will Covid potentially impact more currently-consecutive football meetings than World War II), the answer is yes. While this is a bit disingenuous to say, since many otherwise-consecutive rivalry games impacted by World War II have stopped playing since the war for other reasons (looking at you, 2010-14 Conference Realignment), Covid will impact 66 otherwise-uninterrupted matches, while 32 will continue on. Of those 66 canceled matches, though, only the 9 listed above (under the are Unlikely to Be Rescheduled section) are, in my view, highly unlikely to be revived in the Spring, while the rest can continue on in the Spring if scheduling and Corona allow.
1 - I would like to find a more concise and formal source, but so far one has evaded me
2 - Several Minnesota-based athletic pages say that the cause was Teddy Roosevelt banning rivalry games in 1906; despite that, the only period explanation I've found for the break in the games was a June 1906 article about a ChicagoChicago MinnesotaMinnesota game scheduled for 1907, which said the 1906 match-up was prevented because "The big nine conference [Big 10 today], in forbidding games which established a western championship, did so on the ground that it brought about an unhealthy rivalry and stirred up improper spirit between the big educational institutions." Though the Big 9 could have chosen to do that because of threats by Roosevelt, the immediate cause was the conference's decision.
3 - Some sources disagree on this: At the time of their first athletic break, then-AD at BGSU said "Frankly, Toledo is too tough for us in football. We feel that we can no longer compete on even terms." However, there have also been references to players having "more trouble avoiding flying fists than avoiding blockers and tacklers" before the series was temporarily canceled as well. For a good write-up of the series, see here
Thanks to u/bullmoose_atx, u/bwburke94, u/drgnlis, and u/Graduation2017 for the corrections so far
submitted by rayef3rw to CFB [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 16:30 IndieheadsAOTY Album of the Year 2014 #1: Joyce Manor - Never Hungover Again

Album of the Year 2014 #1: Joyce Manor - Never Hungover Again
Hello everyone and welcome to Album of the Year 2014, a retrospective, daily write-up series for the month of September where the users of indieheads go in-depth on their favorite albums released six years ago. Why 2014 you might ask? Well, we wanted to slowly go back and cover the years we missed since the series started in 2015, and it just so happens that the year before 2015 was 2014. Very odd. Nevertheless, it’s u/ReconEG here as I’ll be looking at Joyce Manor’s landmark third album, Never Hungover Again.
July 22, 2014 — Epitaph
Listen:
Bandcamp
YouTube
Spotify
Background
Joyce Manor are an indie rock/pop-punk band hailing from Torrance, California, located in the South Bay (southwestern) region of Los Angeles County, California. Conceived in a Disneyland parking lot, Joyce Manor originally started out as an acoustic duo between lead singeguitarist Barry Johnson and lead guitarist Chase Knobbes in 2008 before the band soon picked up Matt Ebert as their bassist and Kurt Walcher as their drummer for the first core lineup of the band we know today.
After releasing their debut album, Joyce Manor, in 2011 to critical acclaim following a lengthy amount of hype due to their live shows + early singles, Johnson was at an impasse. With the self-titled, Johnson had a plethora of songs he wrote to choose from when it came time to record that album, but in 2012 after Asian Man Records approached the band about putting out an album on their label, Johnson and the band quickly rushed into the studio with not a lot comparatively. The result? Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired, a hot mess of a record that splices together the catchy and hard-hitting pop punk they became initially known for, lo-fi demos that range from the acoustic to GarageBand electronics, and a cover of the Buggles “Video Killed the Radio Star” that is also one of the greatest cover songs ever made.
In an interview with Kerrang last year breaking down every Joyce Manor album, Johnson said two of the following things:
“I just do not know what I’m doing,” the frontman admits. “I’m being pulled in all kinds of different directions. It sounds like I’m having an identity crisis on that record, and I was.” With a smirk, he adds, “I think we could’ve used a psychologist there to help us through that.”
“It was like we took a bad record, tore it up, and glued it together with demos and stuff,” Barry says, comparing it to a collage. “I don’t hate it, but I just think it sounds like a confused guy, because it was made by a confused guy.”
After Of All Things, Johnson felt Joyce Manor needed a fresh start. While he was in the early stages of writing, Knobbes was returning home from Santa Cruz while staying at his girlfriend’s place for a bit, who went to college in the area. “While she was in school all day, he would just smoke weed and play guitar,” said Johnson in that previously mentioned Kerrang interview. “And he got way better at guitar by doing that.” So, by combining Chase’s guitar parts and Barry’s songs, the band knew they had something special even before they started recording.
Recorded over the course of a week with producer Joe Reinhart, Johnson stated in his Reddit AMA earlier this year that it was the most fun Joyce Manor album to make, saying “It was just a week long party. It got stressful towards the end when stuff wasn’t coming together right and I was struggling to sing well (I had been partying for a week straight lol) but I think you can hear how much fun we are having playing and how excited we are about the songs on that album.” Released on legendary punk label Epitaph on July 22, 2014, the album was released to critical acclaim, later becoming one of the most defining albums in the most recent emo revival and the torch bearer for pop/emo-punk albums to come.
Review by ReconEG
For an album I’ve listened to nonstop for the past year, I still have trouble finding the words to about Never Hungover Again. Almost everything I write for this series is a challenge in some way or another, digging deep down to try to articulate what’s bouncing around in my head when listening to music. If this is what it feels like to write about music, I can’t imagine what it feels like trying to write music itself. It’s something frontman Barry Johnson has struggled with for most of his career, as, to put it simply, he doesn’t know how to write songs, or at the very least, didn’t know how to for a while. I’ll just let this bit from SPIN’s feature on Joyce Manor in 2016 speak on this:
Turns out, Joyce songs have been historically short not out of principle, but necessity, since Johnson simply didn’t have any other way to write. “I think it truly [came] from my lack of knowledge of arranging,” the singer says of his previous tendency to write timeout-length rock songs. “I don’t have some ethos about it. If the song is great for six minutes, then that’s great.” He credits [Rob] Schnapf with supplying him the tools to stretch his songs beyond the two-minute mark. “I didn’t know that, like, if you do two verses and then a chorus then a verse then a chorus, you can get more choruses out of the song, ‘cause you delayed the first chorus. I didn’t know that trick.”
And yet, despite this lack of knowledge at arranging, Johnson has proven to be one of the great songwriters of his generation, as he’s able to articulate these very intense memories and moments of his life into songs that can speak to just about anyone. The lyrics of Never Hungover Again are hyper-specific at time & occasionally hard to grasp but yet, they just fucking hit you right in the heart. Above all else though, these songs are just fun to listen to. It’s a special quality that maybe only a few artists/bands have had over the decades from Robert Smith, the Smiths, early Weezer, and maybe the occasional blink-182 song.
I came to this album pretty late though, only in early 2019 by chance seemingly when I was coming off of the last album I wrote about for this series, Lomelda’s M For Empathy (Both of these albums have much more in common than you think! And no I will not expand on this). While I’m going to imagine a lot of these write-ups coming up this month are going to be about albums people loved/listened to at the time, this one is going to be different. Or is it though? As despite this album coming out right when indieheads was beginning to take off, there were no posts about it. In fact, it wasn’t really until 2016 maybe that pop-punk/emo was finally beginning to have their moment on the subreddit, as artists like Jeff Rosenstock and eventually the Hotelier made me realize oh hey, this pop-punk and emo stuff ain’t that bad!
For a while, I resisted pop-punk. Even in my youth, the farthest I’d go down the pop-punk/emo road was probably My Chemical Romance, as most of the pop-punk bands I’d heard at the time were lame to me. I was too busy listening to Breaking Benjamin to give that blink-182 shit a chance. And here’s the thing: even after eventually falling in love with Jeff Rosenstock’s WORRY. in 2016, it still took me some time to finally embrace pop-punk. I literally saw Joyce Manor in 2017 and had so much fun yet I was still on the fence about liking this genre! And for what? Because I thought I would look lame or something? God, I was so dumb.
This isn’t to say that I’m a big pop-punk fanatic though, as I’m still hesitant about much of the genre. However, me getting into Never Hungover Again last year is the moment where this genre truly clicked for me. And with the extra flavors of more power pop and indie rock influences? Baby, you got the perfect stew of quintessential rock music. I mean for God’s sake, “Christmas Card” is the god damn opener of this album, okay! It truly does not get better than this! But it almost couldn’t have been. On Twitter, Ian Cohen revealed that Joyce Manor originally planned for “Christmas Card” to be the outro, until Epitaph boss Brett Gurewitz stepped in and told them to do the opposite. Either he, or the band in reaction to this decision decided to rework the entire sequence of the album as soon after in a reply to Cohen, they revealed the original tracklist which is just… so fucked up.
Like, the album was originally going to be titled In the Army Now and “In the Army Now” was gonna intro the album? I’ll get to it in a bit how it might be my favorite on the album because it’s the ideal deep cut, but it’s exactly that: a deep cut. Additionally, blowing your load early and sticking “Catalina Fight Song” on side A? “Falling in Love Again” on side B? If I end up talking about this album mostly in its tracklist order, could you really blame me, knowing how it could have ended up? But forreal, whoever fixed the tracklisting on this album whether that’d be the band, Brett, or someone else: fucking thank you. Instead of putting together a pretty solid pop-punk/emo/power pop album, you instead put together the most ideal fusion of those genres ever put to wax.
Okay, enough preamble, let’s just get fucking into it. “Christmas Card” is once again, a hell of a god damn opener. It is physically impossible for me to not scream along to the song’s opening lyrics either literally or internally, it just reverbates around in my car or in my skull. A lot of Never Hungover Again is about yearning, and it’s maybe on this song where Barry yearns the hardest. And not only is it about yearning, it’s about aging and yearning. About reaching the point where your body can no longer keep up with you like it used to. I mean, is “your body's saying isn't that enough / your brain is going i don't give a fuck” not the most apt line ever written about aging out of your 20’s?
The ideal album intro is the thesis of the entire record. Every theme going forward should be introduced or hinted at in here. Never Hungover Again is about a lot of things but what is it mostly about? As I mentioned, yearning. 'Lotta yearning on this album. Also as I said, the difficulties of growing up. As Barry Johnson said, and I repeat, “your body's saying isn't that enough / your brain is going i don't give a fuck.” But what this album is most importantly about is the hyper-specific moments in your life that affect everything. The unique times and people you meet along the way that change the trajectory of everything. I don’t think I’ve ever heard something along the lines of “You treat it like a game of skill / But it’s more like a work of art / Or money in a Christmas card” before this album, but I know exactly what it means. Love isn’t some sort of game like chess, it’s a piece of art you need to work at and cherish. But sometimes love is just about all the small things, true care truth brings. Sometimes it’s money in a christmas card and other times it’s roses by the stairs, surprises let me know she cares.
But if you want to talk about yearning? And I mean real yearning, it doesn’t get better than “Falling in Love Again.” There’s a reason this is their second most popular song on Spotify, as it’s about the pitfalls of falling in love in the death of sincerity in your young adulthood. I can’t tell you when I last looked at a high school yearbook but when I did, I definitely felt like I needed a long amount of time to collect myself and stop thinking about every single mistake I made from the ages of 15 to 18. The again in this song signifies that this isn’t the first time Johnson has had these mental blocks when beginning to see somebody, and it sure as hell won’t be the last as the song drifts off into an echoey cave of “Then come down to collect it.”
But just as you think this album might be Joyce Manor fully pulling away from their roots once you get into “End of the Summer” (a great song but sadly I have to have some restraint as this review is already going to be far too long), you get into the quartet of bangers: “Victoria”, “Schley”, “Heart Tattoo” and “The Jerk.” All songs that feature some of the best guitar lines Chase Knobbes has ever wrote, all songs that really show off Barry’s lyrical skills spinning these hyper-specific moments into ever relatable songs, and all songs that highlight the chemistry the rhythm section has here as Matt Ebert is a seriously underrated bassist and Kurt Walcher still might be the best drummer they’ve ever had (though, they’ve never had a bad drummer, as both Pat Ware and Jeff Enzor are tremendous).
“Heart Tattoo” was the first Joyce Manor song I ever heard and was always my short song to go to when I worked in college radio and I needed something to get me into the next hour at the perfect time. I have never been in the situation that Johnson was in where I had to take off my screen door to get into my house, but I sure as hell have been on some shitty dates where there’s no spark which just makes Johnson’s misadventures in carpenting add a ton to “Victoria.” “Schley” features some of the best lines on the album with “Like old friends who never ask ‘How can you be happy when you wear all black?’ / And they care because they wanna,” “Like your name, the way it looks carved into the cover of a telephone book / I don't care, I'm never gonna / It sounds better when you're high on marijuana / Yeah right, in my head / Yeah right, am I right in my head?” and “It feels weird like a really weird movie” which is just the perfect clunky line along with Ebert’s sick ass bass work in the beginning verse of this song. And then “The Jerk” which honestly I don’t have much words about other than to say it’s the greatest song of all time like every other song on Never Hungover Again.
In Barry Johnson’s AMA earlier this year, u/logansn0w asked if he had a favorite misheard lyric in which Barry replied “I have a least favorite misheard lyric.” Of course, he’s talking about the famous opening line to “Catalina Fight Song,” of which Barry is singing “Sunken city by the ocean” but because of the song’s fast pace and his Southern California drawl, many have misheard it as “Suck a titty by the ocean.” While Barry implies that this is his least favorite misheard lyric, he absolutely has to have sung this instead at some shows, there’s no way he hasn’t. I do wish sometimes that the song wasn’t overshadowed though by it’s famous misheard lyric as it’s one of the biggest rippers in their discography, surviving the tough balancing act between their rabid origins and current, cleaner sound. There’s also some incredibly vivid imagery here about teenage debauchery and depression along with a line about Target that hurt my feelings very much. I think you should apologize, Barry Johnson.
Oh and hey remember when I said “In the Army Now” might be my favorite song on the album? Erase that shred of doubt because it absolutely is the best on the album. Featuring some of the most biting words and vivid imagery Johnson has ever put to sing, this song really is just a masterpiece. Whether or not the army in this song is literal or metaphorical, it doesn’t matter. The pain you can feel in Johnson’s voice as he reminisces about these past times with his former love just breaks you to your core. While the Smiths influence on this album is apparent all over, it really comes together the best here as there’s no weird sidebar about being with your farmyard friends or whatever: this is true-blooded melodrama as lines like “Where were you when you felt left out? / It's all shit for families anyway,” “I wanna kiss you through your hockey mask” and” I always knew you'd leave me someday / I always knew you'd have to go / I always knew you'd join the army” just pierce your soul like nowhere else on the album. While yearning and longing are essentially the same thing, they take up different spaces in my mind and if you have to describe any song as about longing on this album, it’s “In the Army Now.”
While the tetralogy in the album’s middle part are largely about the awkward times of your mid-20s, the album’s last three songs seem to be largely looking back to your teenage years, where you initially made that promise to never get hungover again as the album’s namesake. All these songs serve as different kinds of send offs to different kinds of people, some you were close to, some that betrayed you, and some you never were and never wish to be close with ever again, the latter being the subject(s) of “Heated Swimming Pool” featuring a particularly honest and brutal line in “I wish you would have died in high school / So you could be somebody's idol.” But these are all thoughts that stayed inside of Johnson’s head, never exiting his mouth as he sat next to you by the heated swimming pool, a sign of class he’ll never be able to reach but maybe, just maybe he can fake it in front of your friend’s going off to the Ivy League.
There’s a line in the new Microphones album, Microphones in 2020 that’s particularly stuck with me in regards to this song. “We'd go up on the roof at night and actually contemplate the moon / My friends and I just trying to blow each others' minds / Just lying there gazing, young and ridiculous / And we meant it, our eyes watering.” Basically, take this line, dumb it down, add two or three specific Southern California references, and then a weird diatribe about a girl and you’ve got what Never Hungover Again is all about. In what should be the last hoorah before true adulthood, it instead becomes a terrible evening where you reminisce over the worst moments of your life as you swear the next morning you’re never gonna drink again, or not like that at least. And before you even realize, you stop breaking your loose promises once and for all.
And that’s really the story of Joyce Manor after this album. While they aren’t the hard partiers they used to be, you can tell they’re at peace, much more so than before. Even if they’re much more thoughtful about their work today (for better or worse), it’s nice to see them age gracefully. However, there’s always going to be a part of me that misses this side of Joyce Manor, right when they were beginning to hit their stride from a technical perspective while still happily unaware of pop song structures but somehow putting together some of the catchiest and hook-filled songs ever committed to record. I’ve forgotten to mention this throughout this review but holy shit this album is filled to the brim with hooks. I could probably hum most of this album by memory which can only be blamed so much on its length.
Never Hungover Again finally clicked with me at a time where for the first time in a while, I felt some true happiness. Just as Barry Johnson was finally putting away the past once and for all, it felt like I was too at the same time. While I still have a couple of more years left in my 20’s to really fuck things up, I think living in the midst of a global pandemic & a growing recession has really showed me that oh yeah I’m growing up way sooner than I expected and you know what? I’m kind of relieved. Maybe it’s being in a really happy & healthy relationship or knowing what I’m doing once I get out of school, but the idea of Never Hungover Again isn’t just meant in a literal sense. When Mark Hoppus sang “I guess this is growing up” he had no idea what the fuck he was talking about because he would go on to write “I Really Wish I Hated You” in his 40s. However when Barry Johnson sings about the ideas that encompass what being never hungover again truly means, there’s much more sincerity and honesty there.
So, whether you consider this the peak of the most recent emo revival, a great pop-punk record, or just another WeezeSmiths rip-off, Never Hungover Again truly feels like everything that has come before in the history of punk, and setting the stage for what has come after. Or it’s just an album about the love/hate relationship Barry Johnson has with the city of Torrance, California and its current/former residents. Whatever your cup of tea is.
Favorite Lyrics
Looking for the keys to the truck
Your body's saying isn't that enough?
Your brain is going I don't give a fuck
  • “Christmas Card”
It's too sad
Blue marker on a paper bag
You could wear it like a mask
You could be your own dad
  • “End of the Summer”
So watch out, you're in danger
You'd never know it but you know that it's possible
Like old friends who never ask "How can you be happy when you wear all black?"
And they care because they wanna
It feels weird like a really weird movie
All night in my head
All night, in my head
  • “Schley”
I wanna see what's going on
Over your shoulder but it all goes wrong
Don't say goodbye say you're not sure
Anything could ever come between the two of us
I would say the same thing
  • “The Jerk”
Where were you when you felt left out?
It's all shit for families anyway
Look good in the uniform
Look good holding a gun
Furniture store
Shards of glass
I wanna kiss you through your hockey mask
Cause we're in the army now
  • “In the Army Now”
Talking Points
  • What do you think of Never Hungover Again?
  • How well do you think it’s held up over the years? I feel like most pop-punk/pop-punk-adjacent albums end up aging poorly, yet this album doesn’t feel like it’ll be that way, but what do you think?
  • Is Barry Johnson a genius, a himbo, or both?
  • Lyrically, do you think my comparisons to the Smiths, Weezer, and Robert Smith are apt or am I full of shit?
  • What do you think of Barry’s list of underrated Disneyland rides?
  • And finally, where does Never Hungover Again rank in your 2014 lists?
Thank you all for getting this far and reading the first entry in our Album of the Year 2014 series! Swing back tomorrow as my fellow Indieheads Podcast castmate and AOTD tournament runner American_Soviet will be covering Grouper’s dark ambient masterpiece, Ruins. Their write-up last year for Purple Mountains was fantastic and I’m excited to see how they tackle their choice for tomorrow. And also, the schedule for the rest of the series will be posted below in the comments.
submitted by IndieheadsAOTY to indieheads [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 02:59 errantdog [CA,CA/WW] [H] Neo Destiny + WotC, FAs, Scream Psyduck, GX Ultra Shiny, Expanded staples, EX-era RHs, Painted cards, League promos, Playmats [W] EMT/PayPal, Pikachus, Raichus, list, binders

I'm back with some new cards that I don't need anymore and a newfound interest in working on my favourite collections! Happy to sell or trade. Some things are priced and marked with condition, some things aren't -- sorry, it's kind of a mess! Some of the prices are not up to date either, so feel free to make offers if you're looking to buy.

Have:

WotC: https://imgur.com/a/MyB7d9q
Full arts & Shinings (the new ones, not Neo): https://imgur.com/a/eMaFn5J
Japanese cards (GX Ultra Shiny, sealed Pika promos, Scream Psyduck promo): https://imgur.com/a/gy7Sro1
HGSS Energies, some Expanded staples, GXs: https://imgur.com/a/yuU1UqQ
Holos/RHs from EX era onward: https://imgur.com/a/PJobwGN
Extended art cards (sorry, no commissions): https://imgur.com/a/qAbvWPX
League promos: https://imgur.com/a/ihjzBLx
Playmats: blank Alolan Ninetales mat and black background Johto Professor mat. Didn't get an up-to-date timestamp for these two. Let me know if you're interested!

Want:



PS. I started a collection of all main series English cards featuring bird Pokemon and kind of lost energy for it. If that sounds like fun to you, let me know and maybe I can pass the torch to you.
submitted by errantdog to pkmntcgtrades [link] [comments]


2020.06.27 18:05 brandon8103 What I’d like in a third season

This is just some stuff I think should happen so you can read if you care I guess.
Obviously one of the main questions the writers are going to address is whether or not Harley is still a villain, which is definitely something I want to see. Towards the end of the season, I was getting strong antihero vibes and Harley even said herself that she isn’t sure if she’s even a villain anymore. But with the season ending in a high speed car chase, it’s probably gonna be difficult for Harley to break into her role as an antihero. Most people still think of Harley as a villain, as evidenced by the fact that she was sent to Arkham despite playing a role in defeating Psycho, and also Gordon still wanting to arrest her. I think they could really explore Harley trying to come into her role as an antihero despite what people think of her. If they do go this route, I’d like to see some of her adventures with other heroes like in the comics. A Wonder Woman or Power Girl team up would be awesome. They could alternatively just say fuck it and keep her a villain. I think that if they wanted to, they could keep her as a villain, just not a supervillain. Being some evil and immoral supervillain was always what Joker wanted but not what Harley wanted, although she does seem to enjoy a life of crime to a certain degree. I’d enjoy it if she stuck to smaller crimes like heists, robberies, kidnappings, etc., like what we saw in Season 1 but instead of being her crimes being reactionary they are of her own accord. Personally I enjoy Harley as a villain because it’s just fun to see. I loved the Harley solo series from 2000 and just seeing her be an evil badass. However, they’re probably going antihero because that’s what she’s become in the comics and in the movies. I would think most of her actions would still be motivated by her own interests. I really was looking forward to seeing some Harley and Ivy heists like from BTAS but if Harley does become an antihero I guess there’s no chance of that happening.
I am pretty curious as to what obstacles Harley and Ivy might face next. With what’s happened this season, a lot of people have very good reasons to be pissed at both Harley and Ivy. Psycho could come back and interrupt whatever plans they have, whether heroic or villainous. Riddler and Two Face might be the only other villains that have reason to harbor any animosity towards them, seeing as how most of the villains attended Ivy’s wedding and/or haven’t actually had an history with the two. I am interested to see what role Gordon might play if there’s a next season. He could become a big obstacle for Harley if she decides she wants to become an antihero. He clearly has it out for her and likely considers her irredeemable. There’s also the possibility he runs for mayor, so if he does end up in office he could hinder Harleys growth to becoming an antihero. With that being said I think it’s a possibility that Gordon becomes an anti villain as the ‘bad guy’ of next season. Seeing as how desperate he is for recognition of his heroic acts, it’s not unlikely that he would pull some stunts with initially good intentions that ultimately make him a villain.
Besides obstacles to whatever plans Harley and Ivy may have, I want to see how the writers are gonna explore their relationship now that it’s become official. I saw in an interview that the obstacles they intend to throw at them given a Season 3 aren’t relationship breaking obstacles, rather obstacles that make their relationship both fun and tough at the same time. I think it’d be great if we get to see them just doing normal couple stuff. I’m excited to see what they do because it feels like Harlivy becoming official was the reward of the season and now it’s time to explore this relationship in action. I’m hoping for some great Harley and Ivy adventures, maybe similar to some of the adventures they have in the comics like road trips with Catwoman, or vacations in the Bahamas. I really would like some scenery change after spending two seasons in Gotham. While it’s pretty unlikely, I think it would be really interesting if Harley moved to Coney Island like in her comics. A new environment would give Harley a fresh start and an opportunity to explore being an antihero. However, it would take some work to make sure that moving Harley to Coney actually makes sense, which is why I don’t think it would happen in the show.
Now what I really want to see is some Gotham City Sirens action. The versions of the characters in this show would make for a great version of Gotham City Sirens. Too bad the comics ended with everyone being super bitchy, but hopefully we can get some fun and lighthearted Gotham City Sirens adventures.
Now, I have some specific things I’d like to see for Poison Ivy. First of all, I’d like to see her getting back in touch with her ecoterrorism roots. I feel like her relationship with Kiteman was holding her back from what she really wanted to do in terms of “villainy”. The more she got into her relationship with Kiteman the less awesome crimes she was actually committing. I’d like to see her doing what she’s known for doing best: fucking up people in the name of the environment. I think it’d be awesome if they had a story like the one in that Harley and Ivy comic by Paul Dini, where Harley and Ivy just go to some jungle and kill some corporate a-holes and save the environment while bonding at the same time. I’d also like to see more usage of her powers. As seen in the penultimate episode, Ivy could really fuck shit up if she really wanted to, to put it simply. The Doc Ock thing with the vines was super cool and I wanna see more of what Ivy can do with her plant powers. But I also wanna see her use more of her other powers as well. She doesn’t really use her pheromones in this series, and I think it would be cool to see her use them to her advantage. She doesn’t even have to kiss people, she could just spray it on them like Psycho made her do to the Justice League. This doesn’t have to happen, but something I always thought was cool that Ivy did in the 90s series was when she threw seeds at people and they just grew into whatever she wanted. It’s more like a minor detail than anything so I really don’t care that much. Another thing that I think would be cool is a costume update. I’m fine with her current design but personally I’m a fan of her New 52 look. Plus, if Harley’s look is based on New 52 then maybe Ivy’s should? Honestly the only reason I want her to have a costume change is because of how impractical those high heels are. Like, they can’t be practical for anything she does, right? I mean kudos to her for rocking the heels constantly.
As for Joker, I want to see more of him being the asshole “friend” to Harley. Every girl has that one guy friend that just roasts them 24/7 and I think that’s what Joker could become to Harley. I loved their (I guess you could call it) bantering in the 11th episode, and I want to see more of them just at each other’s throats but not genuinely wanting to kill each other. I get it might be a step backwards for Harley’s character to keep the Joker in her life even as a friend but you gotta admit their interactions would be funny as hell.
I’d also like to see more Kiteman now that he’s finally grown a spine. I think he should either become a better villain or a hero out of spite. I’d probably prefer the latter, Kiteman would fit in with those rando heroes that were at the key ceremony. I definitely think he should find someone that actually loves him next season. I’ve seen a lot of interesting pairings for Kiteman. Some people say Giganta, some people say Nora and I even see people saying he should be with Wonder Woman. The only thing about that though is that I feel like it would still be a alpha female and beta male kind of relationship, and what Kiteman needs is a relationship with someone that’s equal to him. Honestly I think Kiteman should date a normie considering what he wants in life. Either way he is likely going to be a very funny character if we get Season 3. I think we could get some very comedic interactions between Ivy and a dignified Kiteman. A funny thing I thought of was if Kiteman and Joker actually became friends. It would be so funny to see Harley and Ivy have to deal with both of their exes at the same time.
The final thing I’d like to see in a third season is more crew members. Bane is an absolute necessity on the crew. The poor boy has been bullied this entire time and needs a loving family (aka Harley’s crew). I think it would be really cool if all those villains that got cameos in the finale got some actual screen time, maybe even some of them joining the crew. Killer Croc, Killer Frost and Livewire are some good options imo. However, I don’t really know how that would work if Harley decides to abandon villainy. I think something that would be hilarious is if they shit on that axed Deadpool cartoon even more by getting Ryan Reynolds to voice Red Tool. Unlikely and a logistical mess but it’d be funny.
Anyways that’s just what I’d enjoy if we get a Season 3, but we gotta make sure we get one first 🤞🤞#RenewHarleyQuinn
submitted by brandon8103 to HarleyQuinnTV [link] [comments]


2020.06.15 03:58 NobodyMcNothing help me make sappy high school care packages for my little brother <3

there's a five year difference between my brother and me, which means that when he starts high school I'll be in college (ew). high school is a pretty weird time for a teenager and I really want to help him through it, so I decided to make him little care packages and send it to him right before he starts the school year! (i mean he can always text me if he has a problem, but even though this is super sappy and unnecessary, it's sweet and I'm doing it)
the problem is, I'm not really done with high school yet lol so I need help with deciding what to put in them beforehand! Here's what I have so far:
freshman year
sophomore year
junior year
senior year
submitted by NobodyMcNothing to highschool [link] [comments]


2020.06.15 01:03 LAR_G [Long text alert] The list of "Stop xxxxxing" in A2C

I just found it funny when sometimes ppl in A2C are telling other ppl in A2C not to do something, so I crawled a list of posts/things-you-were-told-not-to-do in A2C.

submitted by LAR_G to ApplyingToCollege [link] [comments]


2020.06.02 12:21 Betahaze Leave Academia at 30?

Hi all,
I am writing here because I feel confused and I am currently searching for some advice.
I am 30 years old, I live in europe and I graduated as a medical doctor and got a PhD in Neuroscience. During these years I've been focusing on the physiology of memory and Alzheimer's Disease. I had the opportunity to learn a lot focusing on various electrophysiological techniques (recording of neuronal activity), 3D design and modelling, python, and various research techniques. I also spent some time abroad (1 year) in an Ivy league university in the US. I've got a good record of publications, got some prices, and had the chance to share my results in many international meetings.
Right now, I'm doing my post-doc, but I feel that this is not my path. I am gradually loosing my interest toward research also due to some personal bad experiences. My year in US was inconclusive and had a really bad experience with my boss there.
People keep telling me that at this age I can do whatever I want, but the truth is that I feel like I have to get out of my comfort zone and try something new, but I really don't know how to proceed. I like science and technology, and I think that I could do more, but at the moment I feel like it is impossible to get out of Academia (and at the same time staying in it). I have been looking for various job opportunities, but I have the feeling that I am useless out of my field or sometimes overqualified to certain positions. To make some context I am trying to consider jobs that are reasonably close to what I have done until now.
What I feel i could try to do is:
My problem is that whatever I think to approach gives me the feeling that I could not do it. I have about one year of contract and I am trying to improve my programming skills and keep myself updated on medicine (this works fine because among my duties I have to teach physiology to MD students and that helps me being up to date).
But the truth is that I feel I am lost and have no idea how to proceed. I am afraid of making wrong life choices and feel unable to really commit and hold into something.
I don't know if any of you have a similar feeling or have been in a similar situation, but all kinds of feedback are welcome.
Whoever read this, thank you for your time in reading my story.
submitted by Betahaze to AskAcademia [link] [comments]


2020.06.02 12:15 Betahaze Leave Academia at 30?

Hi all,
I am writing here because I feel confused and I am currently searching for some advice.
I am 30 years old, I live in europe and I graduated as a medical doctor and got a PhD in Neuroscience. During these years I've been focusing on the physiology of memory and Alzheimer's Disease. I had the opportunity to learn a lot focusing on various electrophysiological techniques (recording of neuronal activity), 3D design and modelling, python, and various research techniques. I also spent some time abroad (1 year) in an Ivy league university in the US. I've got a good record of publications, got some prices, and had the chance to share my results in many international meetings.
Right now, I'm doing my post-doc, but I feel that this is not my path. I am gradually loosing my interest toward research also due to some personal bad experiences. My year in US was inconclusive and had a really bad experience with my boss there.
People keep telling me that at this age I can do whatever I want, but the truth is that I feel like I have to get out of my comfort zone and try something new, but I really don't know how to proceed. I like science and technology, and I think that I could do more, but at the moment I feel like it is impossible to get out of Academia (and at the same time staying in it). I have been looking for various job opportunities, but I have the feeling that I am useless out of my field or sometimes overqualified to certain positions. To make some context I am trying to consider jobs that are reasonably close to what I have done until now.
What I feel i could try to do is:
My problem is that whatever I think to approach gives me the feeling that I could not do it. I have about one year of contract and I am trying to improve my programming skills and keep myself updated on medicine (this works fine because among my duties I have to teach physiology to MD students and that helps me being up to date).
But the truth is that I feel I am lost and have no idea how to proceed. I am afraid of making wrong life choices and feel unable to really commit and hold into something.
I don't know if any of you have a similar feeling or have been in a similar situation, but all kinds of feedback are welcome.
Whoever read this, thank you for your time in reading my story.
submitted by Betahaze to careerchange [link] [comments]


2020.05.25 10:00 ironmanstrong Feeling lost and need help, so sharing my story and reaching out for advice

I don’t know what do. I do, but for some reason I haven’t done it yet and here I am, repeatedly. So here I am writing my story, the honest version, a confession of sort, coz I don’t know better.
For starters, I’m an addict - a PMO addict and have been actively fighting this disease since the last 5 years. I’m 26 right now. I’m not really sure how to begin this - I’ve never written a biography after all. So let me start from the beginning. I grew up in a average middle class household and moved around from one city to another quite a lot - father was in the military and mother would end up taking a teaching job wherever we would move to. I was born and raised in a good household with an emphasis on being sound in all departments - how you would raise an Ivy League kid - I excelled at academics, extra-curricular and in high school, also started getting better at sports. Most of my childhood was okay except for the angry bursts from my father which would result in getting a thrashing from him, so me and my younger brother learnt how to not get ourselves in trouble. Life was mainly focused on studies and play. As I grew up during middle school, I also started losing my innocence, which at that point was being able to cuss. My family also started doing socio-economically better and we moved again to another city for high school - initially I felt a bit off because the people in my high school were more affluent, so I wanted to be like them, be cool like them - this created a lot of desires in me - to look better, wear better, and of course, score a girl. I was 13 then. And that’s when one of my friend (and I guess we all have that one friend), mentioned how we could jerk off and get pleasure. The advice I got was just look at Paris Hilton’s tape and rub it. So I went home and that’s what I did. Having been taught how to use a computer at the age of 4 by my dad, I was good with it and could program in C, and was generally good at dealing with technology - so I never had to worry about hiding stuff - clearing cache, temp files, etc was done as a routine rather than a one off. Being a teenager, I had also started rebeling at home, which meant arguments with my father and long months of not speaking to one another. I had started following Steve Jobs since he had launched the iPhone back then and wanted to be an entrepreneur like him and Gates. I stopped focusing on my studies coz it was too easy and would still end up getting A- without much studies. Junior years were different - the subjects were harder and I wasn’t spending much time on them, instead just focusing on learning about computers or reading about businesses. When the time came to study for tests coz I needed to get grades to get into a uni, I would get stressed, and instead of working through it, I would escape to my new found drug and jerk off - this wasn’t as often. I actually ended up sitting an year coz I didn’t have admissions from unis; the ones I did were really bad acc to me. That year I studied but also started partying through stolen money from my mom - I told my parents I was doing a website business and they didn’t bother to check. Until they found me skipping test prep and the whole thing unfolded into a family drama of my creation. I was grounded and couldn’t really do much except walk in the neighborhood. My mom, always seeing my potential to do better was distraught and the bad relations with my father were at an all time low, almost non existent. She asked if I had stolen from her and I lied to her, not having the balls to say yes, I partially stole from her. When I look back at that moment, all I wanted to do was ACT rich in front of my friends and be the cool guy - I was that cool guy briefly, but it wasn’t worth it.
The only upside was I ran into a girl in my neighborhood and started dating her. She became my girlfriend and my support during those low times. She was an year younger to me and I being ahead of my class, had sat an year on the sidelines, which meant that we ended up going to college at the same time - they were 400 miles apart, and I had chosen to go to a remote college town that was 1200 miles from home - I just wanted to be away. The long distance worked out okay for the first few months and then I just became more needy - I was in two minds to either cheat on her or to be with her. I was passive aggressive and would drive her crazy. Know for a temper since childhood, I’d go 0-60 in a minute. She wanted a break and I said “wtf, we should just break up”. And we did. And I regretted it. The following 6 months ended up being some of the most productive of my life - I was doing a college startup and doing well academically as well. But I hadn’t gotten closure. I smoked weed for the first time during the winter break of my sophomore year and that became a regular fixture through the rest of the year - this is when I started getting into porn, specifically erotica. Everything else took a back seat in my life. I was going 3-4x some days. Even on the summer internship, I was going 3-4x a day and sleeping just a few hours. I ended up joining another startup in junior year and was highly motivated this time around, going on a 30 day or so streak without knowing it was a streak - I still didn’t know I was an addict. I relapsed one weekend and jerked off so much I collapsed and had to be rushed to a hospital. It turned out to be nothing fortunately, but this meant I had re evaluated my life now. Being in college, I wasn’t eating much either, not really taking care of myself tbh. This continued through the rest of that year. My senior year was the best, I knew now that porn had become an issue and I found nofap - I now knew I was an addict, but told myself it wasn’t serious. I started eating, putting on a few pounds of muscle too and was generally good. I wanted to go to grad school and learn more. I was motivated. I unfortunately didn’t get into the top schools again and the ones that I did, didn’t interest me - I didn’t want a repeat of my undergrad. So I stayed at home for an year and joined a part time job at a research uni nearby. I didn’t have to go regularly, only a day or two at max. It didn’t help that it was 50 miles away from home. My faps skyrocketed, ending up doing multiple times a day. I would go on a 10 day streak and then release, 15 and then binge. I also started reading more crazy stuff - incest, tg, bdsm, etc. I also started gravitating towards femdom and even tried to meet a few over kik. It was nine months of a degenerate life in the basement. Fortunately, I got into a top 10 school in my field and went there on a student loan.
Grad school was a different life - I was putting in a lot of hard work into courses and doing a job on the side, but also trying to make new friends and party with them when I could. My addiction didn’t leave me though and any holiday or free time would mean a jerk off session reading erotica. I was also drinking a lot an passing out coz I was tired, but just generally drinking to mask my real feelings. Fell for a girl and it was an on-off relationship, plus she was bipolar. I would go on month long streak and then break down again. I honestly wanted to make it work and I did try hard. In six months with her, I went on 3 30 day streaks with few relapses. One of these nights when we weren’t on talking terms, I binged a couple of times and got drunk and high. It so happened that she comes to my place that night and we end up in the end, but I couldn’t fuck her. I could jerk off though, and did it that night. That incident really did a number on me and I even questioned my sexuality for a bit. The summer internship got me sober and away from everything. Living by myself also helped as I had to rely on myself now. I was going to work, going to the gym, reading books and improving in life. I went on a 45 day streak then. Getting back to school was hard though and soon I was hanging out with a different set of people - the frat crowds, coz I just wanted to get drunk, high and laid. Even if that meant doing coke and getting $20 lap dances from some college undergrad. I didn’t want to meet people in my class, at least not my ex and her friends, so I became detached there. And relapsed again. The nail on the head was 2018 NY eve when I was coming back from a party and ended up going to a club coz I didn’t want to stay alone that night. There, I was coaxing a 37 yr old mom of two to sleep with me. I walked out of there at 4 and was ashamed of myself, ashamed of the fact that to satisfy my need, I would break up some one’s home - I wasn’t brought up on these values. I looked for any answers I could get online and found sex addiction groups like SAA and SA. I joined one of them and was introduced to 12 step programs of recovery that have worked. At first I thought it was easy doing those steps and I’d be cured. But as I went to more meetings, it was a deeper process and a harder thing to do. As they say, the first step is the hardest and that is surrender. Even though I would go on 30 day streaks, I would relapse again coz I never surrendered. Also, I never got past the 4th step. I graduated, got a job, an apt by myself and tried living the healthy life of workout and good nutrition, but I just kept relapsing. I joined workout and yoga classes and they would help a bit, and then I would relapse again. Being alone, I also started going on internet anonymous chat groups. Not finding a woman there, I started even posing as one, just to get to talk to someone for a while, often ending up jerking off too. Work wasn’t that interesting and I could get by with doing the bare minimum. Plus, I was already looking for other jobs. And then this year, it all came crashing down when in the beginning I had an accident and then lost my job. Thanks to God, I didn’t lose my life and was able to find another job. But I was scared, scared of everything. I moved away to another city but all the problems persisted - erotica, chat groups, the fetishes, the relapses. And in recent weeks during quarantine, it’s gotten worse as I fall further into this trap of relapsing and binging. Some days even my dreams are of being a tg or simp. It’s like my brain wants more intense kind of porn every time now. Every time a streak is broken, the will only becomes weaker.
Here’s all I’ve tried so far:
Here are the bad things I’ve had to endure:
They say a person’s emotional growth stops at the age when they’re loved the least - I guess for me that’s around 14 years, and I realize that I really haven’t grown much since then. And yes, maybe my dad had his own issues and I wasn’t brought up the perfect way, but I don’t want to go the slippery slope of victimhood. I’ve found I hold resentments and regrets too. Sometimes I’ve even felt ashamed of myself story so far and how much I’ve under achieved as compared to what my potential is, or was. Even worse is that I’ve jerked off as an escape route since I couldn’t stand that shame, and then done it again. And of late, I’ve felt a resignation to this disease, as if I’ve lost the battle. I’ve always had a “never say die” attitude but that line seems to breaking and I can only see death in front of me, maybe not now, but 2-3 years down the line if I continue this path. The relapses today and the repetitiveness just made me say fuck it, I quit. And so I decided to write all this out, to seriously ask for help as a last resort. I’ve tried things, but nothing has worked. Yes, none of it has been tried fully - I’d read a book and leave it in half, I’d do the workouts and then jerk off and then stop. I’d start a podcast of Jocko Willink and stop in middle. I’d start doing the future authoring program and stop. The only thing I wouldn’t stop is jerking off. And I understand that it’s not a simple process, it takes time. If it was easy, everyone would do it and that one needs to put in the work. If it was as easy as a check list, we wouldn’t be having a crisis of masculinity in today’s world. So I write this honest, bare bones, unedited piece of my life to ask all fellow brothers for advice, coz it takes a village to grow a child. Thank you.
submitted by ironmanstrong to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.05.25 09:43 ironmanstrong Almost gave up today, so here I present an honest story of mine coz I don't know better.

I don’t know what do. I do, but for some reason I haven’t done it yet and here I am, repeatedly. So here I am writing my story, the honest version, a confession of sort, coz I don’t know better.
For starters, I’m an addict - a PMO addict and have been actively fighting this disease since the last 5 years. I’m 26 right now. I’m not really sure how to begin this - I’ve never written a biography after all. So let me start from the beginning. I grew up in a average middle class household and moved around from one city to another quite a lot - father was in the military and mother would end up taking a teaching job wherever we would move to. I was born and raised in a good household with an emphasis on being sound in all departments - how you would raise an Ivy League kid - I excelled at academics, extra-curricular and in high school, also started getting better at sports. Most of my childhood was okay except for the angry bursts from my father which would result in getting a thrashing from him, so me and my younger brother learnt how to not get ourselves in trouble. Life was mainly focused on studies and play. As I grew up during middle school, I also started losing my innocence, which at that point was being able to cuss. My family also started doing socio-economically better and we moved again to another city for high school - initially I felt a bit off because the people in my high school were more affluent, so I wanted to be like them, be cool like them - this created a lot of desires in me - to look better, wear better, and of course, score a girl. I was 13 then. And that’s when one of my friend (and I guess we all have that one friend), mentioned how we could jerk off and get pleasure. The advice I got was just look at Paris Hilton’s tape and rub it. So I went home and that’s what I did. Having been taught how to use a computer at the age of 4 by my dad, I was good with it and could program in C, and was generally good at dealing with technology - so I never had to worry about hiding stuff - clearing cache, temp files, etc was done as a routine rather than a one off. Being a teenager, I had also started rebeling at home, which meant arguments with my father and long months of not speaking to one another. I had started following Steve Jobs since he had launched the iPhone back then and wanted to be an entrepreneur like him and Gates. I stopped focusing on my studies coz it was too easy and would still end up getting A- without much studies. Junior years were different - the subjects were harder and I wasn’t spending much time on them, instead just focusing on learning about computers or reading about businesses. When the time came to study for tests coz I needed to get grades to get into a uni, I would get stressed, and instead of working through it, I would escape to my new found drug and jerk off - this wasn’t as often. I actually ended up sitting an year coz I didn’t have admissions from unis; the ones I did were really bad acc to me. That year I studied but also started partying through stolen money from my mom - I told my parents I was doing a website business and they didn’t bother to check. Until they found me skipping test prep and the whole thing unfolded into a family drama of my creation. I was grounded and couldn’t really do much except walk in the neighborhood. My mom, always seeing my potential to do better was distraught and the bad relations with my father were at an all time low, almost non existent. She asked if I had stolen from her and I lied to her, not having the balls to say yes, I partially stole from her. When I look back at that moment, all I wanted to do was ACT rich in front of my friends and be the cool guy - I was that cool guy briefly, but it wasn’t worth it.
The only upside was I ran into a girl in my neighborhood and started dating her. She became my girlfriend and my support during those low times. She was an year younger to me and I being ahead of my class, had sat an year on the sidelines, which meant that we ended up going to college at the same time - they were 400 miles apart, and I had chosen to go to a remote college town that was 1200 miles from home - I just wanted to be away. The long distance worked out okay for the first few months and then I just became more needy - I was in two minds to either cheat on her or to be with her. I was passive aggressive and would drive her crazy. Know for a temper since childhood, I’d go 0-60 in a minute. She wanted a break and I said “wtf, we should just break up”. And we did. And I regretted it. The following 6 months ended up being some of the most productive of my life - I was doing a college startup and doing well academically as well. But I hadn’t gotten closure. I smoked weed for the first time during the winter break of my sophomore year and that became a regular fixture through the rest of the year - this is when I started getting into porn, specifically erotica. Everything else took a back seat in my life. I was going 3-4x some days. Even on the summer internship, I was going 3-4x a day and sleeping just a few hours. I ended up joining another startup in junior year and was highly motivated this time around, going on a 30 day or so streak without knowing it was a streak - I still didn’t know I was an addict. I relapsed one weekend and jerked off so much I collapsed and had to be rushed to a hospital. It turned out to be nothing fortunately, but this meant I had re evaluated my life now. Being in college, I wasn’t eating much either, not really taking care of myself tbh. This continued through the rest of that year. My senior year was the best, I knew now that porn had become an issue and I found nofap - I now knew I was an addict, but told myself it wasn’t serious. I started eating, putting on a few pounds of muscle too and was generally good. I wanted to go to grad school and learn more. I was motivated. I unfortunately didn’t get into the top schools again and the ones that I did, didn’t interest me - I didn’t want a repeat of my undergrad. So I stayed at home for an year and joined a part time job at a research uni nearby. I didn’t have to go regularly, only a day or two at max. It didn’t help that it was 50 miles away from home. My faps skyrocketed, ending up doing multiple times a day. I would go on a 10 day streak and then release, 15 and then binge. I also started reading more crazy stuff - incest, tg, bdsm, etc. I also started gravitating towards femdom and even tried to meet a few over kik. It was nine months of a degenerate life in the basement. Fortunately, I got into a top 10 school in my field and went there on a student loan.
Grad school was a different life - I was putting in a lot of hard work into courses and doing a job on the side, but also trying to make new friends and party with them when I could. My addiction didn’t leave me though and any holiday or free time would mean a jerk off session reading erotica. I was also drinking a lot an passing out coz I was tired, but just generally drinking to mask my real feelings. Fell for a girl and it was an on-off relationship, plus she was bipolar. I would go on month long streak and then break down again. I honestly wanted to make it work and I did try hard. In six months with her, I went on 3 30 day streaks with few relapses. One of these nights when we weren’t on talking terms, I binged a couple of times and got drunk and high. It so happened that she comes to my place that night and we end up in the end, but I couldn’t fuck her. I could jerk off though, and did it that night. That incident really did a number on me and I even questioned my sexuality for a bit. The summer internship got me sober and away from everything. Living by myself also helped as I had to rely on myself now. I was going to work, going to the gym, reading books and improving in life. I went on a 45 day streak then. Getting back to school was hard though and soon I was hanging out with a different set of people - the frat crowds, coz I just wanted to get drunk, high and laid. Even if that meant doing coke and getting $20 lap dances from some college undergrad. I didn’t want to meet people in my class, at least not my ex and her friends, so I became detached there. And relapsed again. The nail on the head was 2018 NY eve when I was coming back from a party and ended up going to a club coz I didn’t want to stay alone that night. There, I was coaxing a 37 yr old mom of two to sleep with me. I walked out of there at 4 and was ashamed of myself, ashamed of the fact that to satisfy my need, I would break up some one’s home - I wasn’t brought up on these values. I looked for any answers I could get online and found sex addiction groups like SAA and SA. I joined one of them and was introduced to 12 step programs of recovery that have worked. At first I thought it was easy doing those steps and I’d be cured. But as I went to more meetings, it was a deeper process and a harder thing to do. As they say, the first step is the hardest and that is surrender. Even though I would go on 30 day streaks, I would relapse again coz I never surrendered. Also, I never got past the 4th step. I graduated, got a job, an apt by myself and tried living the healthy life of workout and good nutrition, but I just kept relapsing. I joined workout and yoga classes and they would help a bit, and then I would relapse again. Being alone, I also started going on internet anonymous chat groups. Not finding a woman there, I started even posing as one, just to get to talk to someone for a while, often ending up jerking off too. Work wasn’t that interesting and I could get by with doing the bare minimum. Plus, I was already looking for other jobs. And then this year, it all came crashing down when in the beginning I had an accident and then lost my job. Thanks to God, I didn’t lose my life and was able to find another job. But I was scared, scared of everything. I moved away to another city but all the problems persisted - erotica, chat groups, the fetishes, the relapses. And in recent weeks during quarantine, it’s gotten worse as I fall further into this trap of relapsing and binging. Some days even my dreams are of being a tg or simp. It’s like my brain wants more intense kind of porn every time now. Every time a streak is broken, the will only becomes weaker.
Here’s all I’ve tried so far:
Here are the bad things I’ve had to endure:
They say a person’s emotional growth stops at the age when they’re loved the least - I guess for me that’s around 14 years, and I realize that I really haven’t grown much since then. And yes, maybe my dad had his own issues and I wasn’t brought up the perfect way, but I don’t want to go the slippery slope of victimhood. I’ve found I hold resentments and regrets too. Sometimes I’ve even felt ashamed of myself story so far and how much I’ve under achieved as compared to what my potential is, or was. Even worse is that I’ve jerked off as an escape route since I couldn’t stand that shame, and then done it again. And of late, I’ve felt a resignation to this disease, as if I’ve lost the battle. I’ve always had a “never say die” attitude but that line seems to breaking and I can only see death in front of me, maybe not now, but 2-3 years down the line if I continue this path. The relapses today and the repetitiveness just made me say fuck it, I quit. And so I decided to write all this out, to seriously ask for help as a last resort. I’ve tried things, but nothing has worked. Yes, none of it has been tried fully - I’d read a book and leave it in half, I’d do the workouts and then jerk off and then stop. I’d start a podcast of Jocko Willink and stop in middle. I’d start doing the future authoring program and stop. The only thing I wouldn’t stop is jerking off. And I understand that it’s not a simple process, it takes time. If it was easy, everyone would do it and that one needs to put in the work. If it was as easy as a check list, we wouldn’t be having a crisis of masculinity in today’s world. So I write this honest, bare bones, unedited piece of my life in the middle of night, to ask all fellow brothers for help and advice, coz it takes a village to grow a child. Thank you.
submitted by ironmanstrong to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.05.16 12:29 LokiLowness Season Two: Orange Islands Review/Discussion

Note: Firstly, I'm going by the Offical Pokemon Website's grouping of Season Two. It starts with the episode 'Princess vs. Princess' and the Orange Islands section only starts about a quater way through the Season. Therefore I will be splitting some categories up as the quality on some differs between the end of the Kanto section and the Orange Islands section. I will be ranking them so people can see the rough notes.
Animation: 6/10. It was slightly better than Season One as there aren't as many reused animations and there are more expressions with faces and body language. However, it is pretty much the same style of two or three frames for moves and animating only the mouth on still frames which is simplicity itself. The moves still don't have much power in their animation and I've basically described everything once in my Season One review and not much has changed.
World building (Pre-Ornage Islands): 3/10 I've basically said it in my last review. The world building in Kanto did not age well. I mean the characters go to Hollywood in America. I was informed on my last review that it was because of a lead writer having a bit too much control over the plot. The towns were not very interesting and Cinnabar Island was just not interesting at all even with a volcano right in the middle of it. The League was simple, but enjoyable yet, not interesting to the point of restoring the world building. The lack of Pokemon did hinder the stuff that animators could do but, once again it was simple enough.
World building (Orange Islands): 8/10 The Ornage Archipelago was a fantastic narrative choice and gave the series so much freedom. The island were very unique and the lore given was simple but so much more effective than the pre-Orange Islands section. Every Island had lore, had people with history and there was only some islands that felt like repeats but they served a bigger purpose in the narrative. Even the League had lore and an esstablished history. With the exception of the plain islands, mixing the real world (history) with the Pokémon world still haunts the Season. Like mentioning Florence Nightingale (an essential BRITISH nurse who was responsible for the improvement of hygiene in hospitals after involvement in the CRIMEAN War) or Captain Cook (world famous pirate). Other than that it was extremely good and I did not remember it being as good as it was. Also the different gym challenged, love 'em.
Story (Pre-Orange Islands): 5/10 There was A LOT of filler and nothing to add to the simple journey already. The League was where the section shined. I liked seeing Ash overcome the different opponents and use his Muk and Krabby/Kingler (the evolution was pretty good if I say so myself). The one thing thing that I disliked in the League was that Ash's decision to use Charizard instead of Muk, for example, robbed him of a Top 8, at least. I did highlight his inexperience but it was a shame. It was just an OK story.
Story (Orange Islands): 7.5/10 A bit better than Season One as it seemed that even the filler episodes had purpose, something that the pre-OI section lacked. Other than that it was just a simple goal to win the Orange League which was enjoyable enough and included iconic episodes like 'Charizard Chills' where every kid cheered once Charizard listens to Ash for the first time properly. 'Enter the Dragonite' was such a good battle as well. More than that, Ash's victory seemed very deserved. It seemed that the story was more focused on evolving the trainers and their bonds with their pokemon more than the pokemon themselves which I'm all for. The return to Kanto at the end of the Season was also very good at setting up the next Season. It was better than Season One but it was not good enough for an 8 which I think will be given to better Seasons as time goes on. Also I think the G.S. Ball plot point REALLY went underused. It should've just stayed with Oak at the end of the Season as I feel like it will be as much of a burden in the next.
Characters: Rather than giving them scores as a whole, I will give them individually as I just can't do it as a whole this time. Ash 7/10: I got used to his stubbornesa and as time goes on it was easy to get used to him as a person even if he did not get much of a character arch. What surprised me the most is that he did work hard to secure his place in the Top 16 in the League and thought with his head to win the Orange League. His relationship with his Pokemon and the decisions he made were mostly rational. You could discreetly see him evolving as a trainer. On the very last episode, you could see that what drove him was to be better than Gary and I'm pretty sure that his desperation lead to him thinking irrationally and losing to Gary. That isn't the only factor in his loss but I'll get to that later. He's just a good character. Misty 6/10: She's just OK. There wasn't the "You or me a bike Ash Ketchum" thing which was good and in the Orange Islands, she was faced with a difficult decision of whether to stay with a guy that liked her or stay with Ash, probably focusing on her possibly romantic interest which I found interesting enough. However, she was just annoying at times, always bringing him down to the point I felt sorry for him. Even after finishing in the Top 16 and gaining 3 Orange Gym badges on his first try, she still doubted him on winning his 4th, which he did on his first try also. That and her not changing much from the other Season really let her down. Togepi's still great doe. Brock 8/10: Still iconic. It's a shame he didn't go with Ash further into the Orange Islands but I didn't feel his stay with Ivy was forced at all and if there was any reason to not go with Ash, that was it. It fit in with his character and goals perfectly. I like that he came back at the end and had a running joke for like two episodes of being dumped by Ivy. Poor guy. Tracey 6/10: I think people give Tracey way too much shit and exaggerate how bad he is just because he isn't Brock. I agree that he is bland and sometimes boring but not to the point of hate or dislike. Was it a mistake replacing Brock? 100%. But he had a good character and I kind of liked his sketching and watching. He makes a perfect assistant for Oak but that still doesn't refute the point that he's just a poor man's Brock. Team Rocket 9/10: still the MVPs of the Season, not much change there. Iconic as ever and they just do not get boring. Its so rewarding when they think of a unique way to fail but seeing them dig a hole while taling snappy dialogue is just so good. I used to hate them as a kid, but I just love them now. Gary Oak 8/10: I HAVE to talk about Gary. Biggest character arch in tho series to DATE and he wasn't even there. He started as a little shit who thought he was the best and after losing the Indigo League, while ending in a worse place than Ash, he realised that he needed to be better as talking the talk doesn't mean anything if you can't walk the walk. His battle with Ash at the end, congratulating Ash on a good battle, remaining calm rather than acting like a little shit shows his prowess as a trainer and his bond with Eevee shows that he took clear inspiration from Ash. He realised that bonding with Pokemon, like Ash did would have put him further in the League so he did just that and it made him so much cooler and likeable. Great charcter. Can't praise him enough. Richie 5/10: Controversial opinion, he's overrated. He's supposed to be a foil to Ash, being what Ash wants to be and more but he just seem so boring and the only thing going for his is that he nicknames his Pokemon. I don't dislike him but I just don't think he's as good of a character as people think. Would love to hear so opinions. Others: the other characters like the gym leaders were alright and helped building the trainers strength which the story focused on but I still didn't seem to care, especially for Cissy, she was very one dimensional. I don't want to repeat myself constantly because its pretty much the same as the last season for the most part.
Music: 6/10 The intro isn't as good and the passive music, even though still somewhat enjoyable, gets stale. Pokémon Jukebox was alright but its a shame there was only like 6 songs for the 60 episodes of the Seaon. Also the videos that came with the songs spoiled a lot of the main plot like Ash cathing Lapras so I skipped them a lot of the time. Its not bad, just not as good and effective.
Other stuff: It's clear that they were safer with what they put on the screen so it reaches a bigger audience. There isn't much else. It served as a nice bridge between gen 1 and 2 anime. I liked the variety of different pokemon like the Crystal Onix or the Pink Pokemon. Tracey's sketches of parts of gen 2 Pokemon like Elekid's ears at one point made me feel good knowing what that was. Cool additions to be honest.
TL;DR: Pre-Islands is a 6/10. Same as Season One, got stale a bit but the League was pretty good and kept it from going under a 5/10. Orange Islands section is an easy 8/10. Very fresh, enjoyable and interesting, would highly reccomend. I'm looking for feedback for these reviews and your opinion too. Thanks for reading and have a nice day.
submitted by LokiLowness to pokemon [link] [comments]


2020.05.12 11:33 throwRA23524 I have absolutely no clue why I'm still single

Hi reddit, I'm a 22 year old male.
When I was 14, people started partnering up and I wanted in on the action. At this point in my life I was a fat slob, who was previously only interested in playing league. I had almost nothing going for me. I wasn't ready to start losing weight yet. I googled around and something that resonated with me was that people are really attracted to people that are good at something.
So, I made it my mission to get good at art. I practiced drawing stuff in my room, flowers, my hand, my portrait, random street sketches outside, etc until I got really confident in my ability to draw. Thankfully, this is still a hobby I have today. All throughout this, people thought it was pretty dope but everyone was still all and all pretty disgusted with me, and rightfully so. I'm 5'4 and I was around 70 pounds overweight, which is disgustingly big. I didn't quit league either, I just enticed myself to draw with the carrot of finding someone that loves me.
So, around my 16th birthday, after getting rejected by one of my best friends, I researched about how to lose weight and build muscle, and I hopped on an aggressive deficit (around -1000 cal a day) and started lifting weights (just a 3 day split). From 16 to 18 I gradually lost more and more weight, as my aggressive dieting made me yoyo a lot, but eventually I finally got to a respectable 130 lb. After I turned 18, I started lifting weights, and I've been off and on for 4 years, accumulating reasonable aesthetic gains (got the 6 pack, nice shoulders, arms). Still, I got rejected by 2 more girls during this time, both of which were previously good friends. Nothing seemed to really help.
When university rolled around, I vowed to be much more social. I acted always super bubbly and happy until it just became a part of my personality, which helped a ton. I also got a ton of friends, but I never really went to bars, clubs or parties, it wasn't something I really liked. In retrospect I wish I just did it, because then maybe I would have met someone. It was really hard at the beginning, but I started to amass a solid group of around 12 people (8 guys, 4 girls) that I talked to at least once every 3 days. I read Models by Mark Manson, and from that I tried my best to get to serious topics about life as quickly as possible, which was stupid effective with both the guys and girls for becoming good friends very fast. I didn't befriend these girls to eventually ask them out, but I did develop feelings for 2 of them, both of which rejected me (one very harshly in front of a bunch of friends / acquaintances on Canada day, during fireworks, after I tried to put my arm around her).
I thought maybe it was wrong to go for friends, but instead I should just straight up go for dates. This resulted in like 5 or 6 dates (I was very scared to approach people, so I'd only do it if I was very confident the girl would say yes), and on all of them we didn't vibe that much.
The big rejection hit me second year, and after that I thought maybe I was too short to attract girls the normal way, so I thought maybe if I had money (this was really a stretch, but honestly I had no clue what else I could possibly fix) I could at least get someone, even if they didn't love me for me. I also thought maybe art alone wasn't enough, maybe I'm kind of giving off deadbeat vibes if the only things I got going for me is being able to draw pretty pictures and having a 6 pack. I worked hard and raised my gpa from a 2.2 in my first 2 years to a 3.9 in my last 2 years, got an internship at Google, followed it up by working at a Fintech company as an intern, and I did some research which ended up getting published. Lastly, I got accepted for a masters program at an ivy league for machine learning off of my portfolio. Looking back on it I don't know why any of this would make a difference unless I was already in a relationship, but I was so desperate for someone that I was willing to try anything, even if I knew that the changes would be miniscule.
I literally made this my entire life fucking mission, and I still have nothing. I don't know what's holding me back. While I went through a metamorphosis as a person, it meant almost nothing to my outcome. It's getting bad, as I'm starting to feel so much resentment and sadness, as I see people who don't really try, people that I used to be like, falling in and out of love like nothing.
It breaks my heart to try so hard for so long, to make so much progress, and to still have no one that will love me back. I don't know how to fix myself anymore. Literally everything I could ever want, except for a girlfriend, I've worked hard as fuck for and earned. I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else was just born with or something.
To be clear, outside of my longing for someone to share my life with, I love my life. I think 14 year old me would be so proud of what I've become, and I know it sounds overbearing but I don't know anyone else like me. I don't know what else in my life I could possibly change to make myself a better person, and this scares the fuck out of me.
I've always rationalized away the fact that I'm still single due to some fatal flaw that I've yet to fix, but once I fix the flaw, it's just a matter of time before I finally find someone that I like that's willing to try out a relationship with me. But, now, that safety net is gone, and I'm feeling extremely depressed.
I don't think the conventional advice that's given to people when they're single is really helpful for me right now, as I've found myself and sculpted myself into something that I'm really proud of being, and I've laid out awesome habits which will continue to make me better and better. I'm searching and searching for the next great fatal flaw to conquer, but after 8 years excising all of these warts, I have nothing left, which makes me feel incredibly hopeless. If I'm in literally what I imagine to be pretty close to my absolute ideal right now (that is, I wouldn't go back in time and do things differently very much) and I still can't find anyone, then this is hopeless. What do I do, and more importantly, what can I do during lockdown to help me in the future?
Or, am I just holding out for something that doesn't exist, some fairytale girl that I'll click with? Does that just not exist in real life, and instead we have to start with a mediocre relationship and build and build until we get to that point?
submitted by throwRA23524 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.05.08 00:56 AstroG4 Looking for porter to help me carry my emotional baggage. (Part r4r, part lonely heart, part life story).

Prologue: Hello reddit! I’ve got issues.
I have never done this before, nor do I have any idea what might come of it, but I can tell you that this is probably just as much (if not moreso) an introspective essay as it will be lonely heart ad. I’m somewhat at the point in my life where I need to scream out into the void, and I hope that my honesty will net me just enough cosmic karma to get me out of this hole which I’ve been so unceremoniously dumped into. So, strap in; you're in for some u/rubyoobieoobie length shit.
I’ll leave you with a TLDR for now (because I’m not so callous as to make you scroll to the bottom for it): I have been to 49 states, flew to France for a date, solved a decade-old problem in microbial biochemistry and astrobiology, and am the dictator of my own country. I also have insurmountable trauma from my past (and only) relationship, but I still have deluded myself into thinking there is a hope, a person, a way in which I might someday move on and be happy again.
For those who want to know now, I am a 24-year-old non-binary, assigned-male-at-birth individual in search of someone whom has the patience necessary to deal with the above. Also, potential trigger warning for sexual trauma in Chapter 2.
––––––––––
Chapter 1: Who I currently am.
I’m quite an abnormal fellow. Growing up as the autistic homeschooler of some shut-ins will do that to you, but there was always something about me that was especially aberrant. Skipping rapidly over two decades, a few highlights include attending an Online High School run by an Ivy-League university, becoming a high-school dropout, then starting college at 14 and graduating at 19. However, all magic requires a tradeoff, so I report not having a friend until I was 15 and not having more than two simultaneously until literally 2018. In many ways, I almost wish I hadn’t been homeschooled and was held back academically. I’m certain that, were my upbringing different, I would have been a nerd or geek. I could have learned to play D&D or magic the gathering, I could have liked Naruto, I could have become a gamer or learned to code. I am by no means cool or normal, but I have always lacked any sort of peers or social niche. I do not like sports, but, with equal fervor, I do not like fantasy novels. Both cause a lack of associations. I’m not necessarily lonely for friends – I do have them, and quite a blissful plenty, now – but this does show that, for reasons mostly beyond my control, I have always been somewhat of a loner.
My life, as it currently is, started when I fled a certain situation (pin in that). I moved from the west coast to New York City for a biotech job at a coveted research institution in 2017. I was so overwhelmingly hopeful because, in addition to fleeing trauma and making a good career move, I was moving out from my parents and ready to start my life anew in what had been billed to me for years as Millennial heaven. Brooklyn! Williamsburg! Dumbo! Midtown! Astoria! Tribeca! New York City had been built up in my mind as the place to make it as a young, urban-minded professional. Now, I must make a disclaimer: I was not a country boy heading into this. To that point, I had lived in 8 different cities in 4 different states, most of them major places, so I was quite familiar with how cities should be like. Apparently, New York, however, is not.
I hated that place. Trash, everywhere. Stations, crumbling. Inexcusable income disparity, half-assed parks, wretchedroads, and absolutely no scenic beauty whatsoever. I devised a 45-minute lecture on why The City (as it’s called) sucked so much. Suffice it to say that Chicago is the clearly superior American megacity, followed by Toronto, Denver, Seattle, and Austin. My whole life, growing up on the west coast (where cities ascribed to the novel idea of attempting to benefittheir citizens), I had heard of people who claimed that “all governments are bad, bureaucratic, and inefficient.” I had always dismissed them as crackpot old kooks, but, having experienced New York City for what it was, I all of a sudden can understand how someone who had lived their whole life in such places could come to think that way.
But the thing that made it most unlivable were the people. Especially at my job, but also pretty much throughout the whole region (Providence to Wilmington, in my estimation), the people were overly obsessed with “social coding”. Though an irritatingly imprecise phenomenon for me to describe, it is basically that people have a much more stringent set of acceptable social norms and shun you more harshly for being individualistic. The west coast is significantly better at encouraging you to “let your freak flag fly” (otherwise known as being genuine and honest with yourself).
But the situation was significantly worse for me, specifically. You see, for lack of a better term, I am a psychopath. I don’t mean it in a negative context, per se, and, while I do quite frequently play the role of a narcissist for sake of metahumor, I don’t actually mean people ill will, nor do I callously disregard the well-being of others. It’s just that, due to the quirk of my aberrant neurochemistry and antisocial upbringing, I have always been generally inept at empathy. I am very social, outgoing, kind-hearted, and incredibly humorous – don’t get me wrong – but I can just as much be oblivious to social cues or the tacit desires of others. This peculiar mix leads my personality to be best described as the bastard child of a foursome between Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka, Psych’s Shawn Spencer, Scrubs’ JD, and Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon. I truly mean well and am pure of heart; to that end, I’ve spent much of my life acquiring coping mechanisms to be a better, kinder, more sympathetic person and friend. But, for one reason or another, I was ill-equipped to deal with that most fetid breed person known to man: the “Lawn Guylander”.
This all culminated in a moment of crisis, but which I have come to look back on as the “Poughkeepsie Epiphany” (because, ever so creatively, I was driving thence at the time I had it): for almost a year, I had been putting an exorbitant amount of effort into playing the part of this overly social person, but was failing catastrophically. No matter how hard I tried, I could not meet people or make friends, much less find a partner. My coworkers loathed me, but in a way which they all looked down on me as if I was a defective human whom they didn’t care to humor one bit (one of the most vindicating moments was when a postdoc joined the lab from San Diego and he was similarly abhorred at the social climate). One day, I had a realization that there wasn’t a single person in the world who knew when I woke up, nor a single person that would care if I didn’t. That was a painful day. So, my Poughkeepsie Epiphany was that I could continue struggling to play the social game and end up cripplingly lonely, or I could be exactly as lonely as I would be otherwise, but be genuine to myself – no matter how anomalous that might be – and actually be happy with who I was for so doing.
This is when I started to become crazy, and quite proudly so. If there was an idea that was absurd in scope but was a completionist goal, I did it. I started road-tripping with an epic fervor (I knocked off 8 remaining states from my list, mostly New England, to get me to 49 [pin in that]). Road-tripping and adventuring is now a major aspect of my personality, and I have since accrued over 11,000 saved places on google maps (my poor, poor phone starts to melt whenever I open the app for navigation). Over the remaining months I had in New York, I rode every line of the New York City Subway end to end. I taught myself military time, metric, the NATO phonetic alphabet, and the nations of the world. Whenever I would go to bars, instead of socializing ineptly, I would open my backpack and yank out a massive tome such as (initially) a book on the AOL-Time Warner Merger (“something which one cannot read whilst sober”) or (later) Penn State, an Illustrated History (did you know we had a branch campus in China?). Sometimes, people would look over at me as the shockwave caused by the massive thwack of the volume hitting the bartop rolled by, and I would proudly adopt the facial expression of “Yes, I am that weird, and I don’t give a damn.” To be sure, I was still cripplingly lonely, but I was, for the first time in my life, happy.
I also began devising an escape plan. I decided to rapidly accelerate my life plans and apply for graduate school years ahead of what I had intended. Come January, I got interviews at three Ivys: Penn State, Duke, and Columbia. It was no contest. Duke sux balz and felt like an incompetent department living in the shadow of their medical center while also having the misplaced haughtiness to think they deserved equal recognition (also, I didn’t want to go to a place where the yearly tuition was more money than I had ever earned in my entire life to that point). Unlike Duke, Columbia actually had some quality research going on, but there was only one professor I was interested in and the department felt like it was out more for its own reputation than to actually support its graduate students. Penn State, however, stole my heart. Though painfully rural, the town felt like a very tiny big city. The university was friendly and earnest, the students were fun-loving but not reckless, and it’s one of only two universities in the country to offer a Dual-Title Ph.D. in [Home Field] and Astrobiology, a subject which I had always been enthralled by. As a concrete comparison, Columbia had just acquired three Cryo-Electron microscopes and was showing them off to us, but they were shared with thirteen other research institutions in the New York Metropolitan Area. Penn State, on the other hand, had one Krios, all to itself, which had been installed four years earlier. I have since confirmed that Penn State clearly puts its money where its mouth was and does its damnedest to support its scientists in producing world-class research.
So, slightly over a year after moving to New York, I was ready to start my life over again – but, this time, I had the mindset to do it correctly. At risk of turning this too much into an autobiography, I’ll cut short the narrative. In the two years since the Poughkeepsie Epiphany, though, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. Partly out of my passion for storytelling and humor, and partly as a way to stake out my own identity in this world, I’ve latched on to certain oddball stories that most exemplify this newfound sense of self which I’ve acquired. Since they are a significant part of my personality and do an excellent job of portraying my uniquely blusterous metahumor, I'll share a few of the most notable:
  1. I’ve been to 49 states:
When people ask where I grew up, I respond that I’ve lived in 10 different cities in six different states, and have been to 49 (some people also ask if my father was in the military [no], or, once, witness protection [I am not at liberty to disclose whether this is true]). The one remaining state is Oklahoma. I am really debating just buying plane tickets to Oklahoma City for a weekend just so that I can say I’ve been to all 50. To justify my trip, I could go on a tour of why white people are so horrible by visiting the Oklahoma Museum of the Native American, the Oklahoma Museum of the African American, and the Oklahoma Museum of the Gay Cowboy (all of which, to my knowledge, are real places). Woohoo! A trifecta of oppression! However, if I were to actually visit Oklahoma and do this, I would then lose this marvelous and witty conversation topic about which last state I have yet to visit and what I would do while there, so it’s a serious cost-benefit analysis that I must weigh.
  1. I am the Dictator of my own country:
This is probably much less interesting than you’d think. There’s a rather... unique hobby out there of people who (for the most part) tongue-in-cheekily secede from their parent countries to form ultra-small monarchies or banana republics. In my case, I thought that the most reasonable and considered response to the Trump Presidency was to give up on the entire country and secede to form my own. I’m going to build a wall and make America pay for it! This is also actually more legitimate than you’d think, too, as I was invited to and attended the United Micronations, the second-largest meeting of nations in the world (the “largest” organization is in New York, I think. I really don’t pay too much attention to it). As a result, I ended up forming a federation, making several alliances, and maintain regular contact with several other micronationalists. On the domestic front, I made both my roommates sign a 37-page, 42-clause, 17k-word Cohabitation Agreement (á la Sheldon), which, among other things, has reservations for Spots, a flag, a legal system, time travel, and gives me power of attorney over them (you’d be surprised; they both signed it voluntarily, without complaint, and after having read it in its entirety). One might add that they do not pay rent; I levy taxes. Finally, I attempted an infiltration of the local Civil War Reenactors (they have a cannon!) to help me in my ongoing war against the local recycling agency for gross ineptitude, but, for some incomprehensible reason, a bunch of old, white, rurally-inclined men didn't take so kindly to my opinions on conservatism and modern politics. I am convinced that this is merely a marketing issue, and we are workshopping new slogans for our planned invasion of the adjacent curb and sidewalk.
  1. I flew to France for a date:
The story I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. I met an undergraduate here and went on two dates with her, but then she did a semester abroad in France. It was going somewhat well; we were texting every day, and this was the first meaningful person I had actually gone on a date with since... things (pin in that). I quickly ran the numbers, looked at my schedule, and then came up with a hair-brained scheme. You see, I grew up in Florida, so a significant part of my childhood was consumed by theme parks. Sparring you a lot of details, two of the parks (Disney’s Hollywood Studios and Universal Studios) originally opened under the auspices of special-features theme parks, a de-immersive experience where they show you how the movies are made. In the past decade, however, both parks have been moving towards more immersive experiences, where the only common factor among the attractions is that they are all based on intellectual properties that just happened to be movie franchises. This started to feel like a real loss when I learned that the Backlot Tour and Lights, Motors, Action at Disney were being bulldozed for sake of Star Wars: Galaxy’s edge, the former of which was a very important ride to my childhood, and the latter of which was something that I always wanted to see. Lo and behold, a little research revealed that both of these attractions were intact at Disney Studios in Paris. So, a date in the South of France, personally-important theme park attractions in the north, TGV connecting them, and, oh, yeah, duh, it’s Paris, that’s justification in itself.
I planned it out meticulously. For the week leading up to the trip, I would get up, go to work, and go to bed an hour earlier every day (the trip was only going to be three days, so any jet-lag-induced napping would have had an alarmingly high opportunity cost). Then, on the day of the flight, I woke up just before midnight, had breakfast at a favorite bar at closing time, went in to work, and left for JFK by noon. Ten hours of globe-trotting later, I arrived on the Mediterranean coast and proceeded to mispronounce everything.
The date in France was supposed to be our third. What traditionally happens on the third date? Now, let it be known that I would NEVER be the type of person to demand sexuality from anyone, but, you do have to admit, flying 20% of the circumference of a planet is a pretty grand gesture, is it not? I mean, you can’t get a much grander gesture before you literally run out of planet. So, for this third date to take place and for me to not get laid is pretty empirical proof that I am quite irrevocably unfuckable. My next plan is to start looking for dates in Bangladesh (or Oklahoma), because that’s as close as you can get to antipodal (a perfect 50% of the planet's circumference) as you can get from here. Oh, and those two attractions at Disney Studios, not kidding, they were closed ahead of schedule a week before I arrived. Now, I’m not asking for pity at all; don’t get me wrong, I had a blast! It’s Paris, godsdamnit! But I prefer to view this trip in the narrower, funnier, yet sadder context of the two busts above because it helps me to better come to terms with the parts of myself I dislike. As I often say: “I could either laugh or cry at myself. I’d rather one than the other.”
  1. I returned from France with a Motorcycle:
Although France girl never worked out (I don’t think I made a fool of myself or anything, but, remember, I am legitimately inept at this), the trip to France did have a lasting impact on my life in another way. I am an avid bicyclist for a variety of reasons: staying active, helping the environment, and it’s flying like superman at ground level when [safely!] dodging in and out of undergrads. Now, while strolling down the lonely streets of a certain city in the South of France, I encountered one particular bicycle rack with about 25% regular bicycles, about 25% electric bicycles, about 25% mopeds and scooters, and 25% fully-blown motorcycles, all chained up side by side. Having a doctor as a parent, I spent my entire life thinking of motorcycles as hooligan deathtraps, but, here, I was seeing them for the first time in the context of something I had already made an important part of my life.
Upon returning home (by the way, you already know my disdain for New York Shitty [sic] and Wrong Island [sic], so imagine the gutwrenching heartbreak of arriving there after just having spent a weekend in Paris[!]), I arrived at the parking lot, looked at my car, and counted room for four extra people that I didn’t need (because I had no friends). Thus, in my feverish road-tripping, I was hauling around an unnecessary 1.96 tons of extra material – with a dreadful gas mileage to boot! – killing the planet as a result. The next few days were spent obsessively investigating this newfound world which I had heretofore disregarded. Ever since being gifted my car and spittaking at its gas mileage, I always wanted another, more environmentally-conscious vehicle. However, living in the so-called Pennsyltucky, electric vehicle charging stations are fairly sparse in their deployment. Also, I didn’t want to buy a true replacement vehicle, as I am too poor. I was more targeting a hyper-environmentally-conscious vehicle which I could use for my luxury adventures, and then still have the old, reliable gas-guzzler for when I needed to haul around a couch or power through to Virginia. Motorcycles, as I found, have an average of 56mpg, 2.5 times better than my car.
But, now, I was starting to find my way into the culture of motorcycles, something which, on the whole, I find myself violently at odds with. As the joke I tell goes, most motorcycles aren’t actually built for long-distance exploring, like what I already did in my car. Most of them are dirt bikes, with basically bench seats, or sport bikes, which require you to hunch over and lean your stomach on the gas tank. Not very comfortable for long treks. There are only two types of bikes made with comfort in mind: the sport-tourer, which I ended up getting, and the cruiser, which is made entirely out of chrome, handle-bar mustaches, and racism (or homophobia, depending on my audience). Needless to say, I prefer the former.
For those interested, I ended up with the Yamaha Tracer GT. In addition to (proudly!) having only one piece of chrome (the downward-facing exhaust) and being sexy and futuristic as all futhermuck, it is functional, having two panniers (saddle-bags), each capable of holding four half-gallons of Berkey Creamery ice cream (ask me how I know). Skipping over many of the specifics of how I chose this particular model regarding my choice of motorcycle, a big figure in motorcycle news opened his review of the Tracer with “It’s not often I ride a motorcycle and walk away with existential questions for the readers.” For those who have been following along, this quote is the exact thing that I latch on to as part of my newfound identity as a blissful lunatic.
  1. The Semester of Hell and solving a decade-old issue in microbial physiology:
So, come the end of my first year as a graduate student, I started to look towards my second fall semester. The only thing I had to do was my qualifying exam, the really big, month-long exam that determines whether or not you can stay in graduate school. But that was only during November, so, overall, it was going to be an empty semester. Then I learned that a big-name professor in microbiology was retiring, and the last time he was going to teach would be that fall. So, I signed up for his course. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then I learned of a prestigious grant that I could apply for, so I decided to take a grant-writing course. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then I got an email from the department, saying that they needed more TAs for Freshman Biology lab. I had to TA as a requirement of my program, so I might as well get it out of the way now. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then, in July and August, I made an incredible discovery that solved a problem in microbial physiology that had been around since 2009 (pin in that). I spoke with my PI, and he said we could power through and probably get a paper out in under a year. I told him I wanted to do that. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester.
Well, as you can now see, it wasn’t a very empty semester, was it now? To great surprise, I survived, but not unscathed. On average, I worked 60-70 hours a week, though some of it was partially my own doing (for example, my term paper for the bacterial physiology course had seventy citations, even though it was only required to have ten). One “highlight” was TAing. Apparently, my students thought my quiz was so hard that they called the university police on me (I’m not exaggerating; we had to pursue academic integrity violations. It was a debacle). I joked that, with each subsequent class period, I became more and more sympathetic to the antagonists of teen dystopian novels; maybe it is time to build a floating elitist city in the sky and leave the rest of the planet to shit, after all?
Now, I’m certain that many of you are curious as to the contents of my discovery. I can’t exactly speak freely, as the manuscript is in review, but, even if I could, it would be waaaaay too complex and jargony to be comprehensible to the lay public (and this is already going on long enough). Suffice it to be the simple version: A particular class of protein had been known in microbes for a very long time and is involved in pretty much everything, from simple feeding to complex infections. In certain bacteria, this category of protein is modified in a certain way, and people always thought (for over 40 years) that this modification was a transport signal. However, a decade ago, a research groups, perplexingly, discovered these modified proteins in a bacterium that didn’t have th modification-making enzyme. This left two major questions: if not for transport, what was this modification for; and, what is the enzyme that makes the modification in all the other bacteria? I solved the latter question by spending four months looking through the entire genome of the original bacterium and finally finding the modification-making protein, and I’ve spent ever since trying to characterize it. The paper should be published sometime within a month or three (the current coronapocalypse is a boon for manuscript-preparation). Additionally, the previous graduate student in the lab to me made an interesting discovery regarding the genetics of the modification-making enzyme, and my next paper will expand on their work to determine the actual function of this modification. These proteins and their modifications are important because (on the applied side) they belong to major pathogens and could be a target for treating infections and (on the basic side) we have indications that they are part of a planetary-wide stress put on bacteria during evolution (hence, my astrobiological machinations).
––––––––––
Chapter 2: Where I came from.
Now we have to get into how I got to this point. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of sexual trauma. In 2014, when I was still an undergrad, I met whom I called then my soulmate. They were beautiful, fun, perky, and adventurous. They were my first relationship and we took each other’s virginity in a tent after a romantic picnic. But, sadly, less than a year in, things started to go off the rails. I came out as polyamorous. The way I have best found to describe it is when you ask a parent which their favorite child is. All parents worth their salt will say “I love each of my children in their own, unique way.” Such is the same with me. At the time, I had feelings for some of my other friends; but! mind you! they were in no way enough to ever consider ever leaving my soulmate. It was simply such that I had my one, my true, my only, but I didn’t want that to have to mean I tell all other people in my life “Bah! You mean nothing to me because of the ambiguity of my relationship status at the time you met me.” I also had quite a complex from growing up so antisocially and isolated. This was a time in my life when things started to look up. Pieces were finally starting to fall into place, I had some friends and acquaintances, and people actually cared for me. It was thusly then that I realized I was polyamorous, but in mostly a loving way, not necessarily as a swinger or horndog. So, I came out.
In any other situation in the world, this might have not been as catastrophic. However, there were certain things about my soulmate which I knew not at the time that caused not just my relationship, not just my life, but my reality to crumble. You see, they grew up in an incredibly abusive situation, and the only way they knew how to act was to throw away every part of themselves for the people whom they loved. Whelp, that meant “forcing” themselves to be polyamorous for me. They devised a ridiculous plan where they would go out and sleep with lots of people to become okay with the idea of nonmonogamy. Needless to say, this was a batshit crazy idea, but they didn’t tell me their true feelings of how traumatizing this would be for them, and I decided to trust them that this is what they knew would be best for them and that it would all work out in the end. What can I say? What is love if not supporting your partner? I honestly thought it could be okay.
However, as you might guess, it was not. The main issue came from all their mental instability that they had hidden from me for so long. They became quite dissociative and hid it all from me. As such, they tried to compartmentalize their sexual exploration away from our relationship, making me less involved. In short, I was supposed to be their monogamous “safe space” while they did all this terrible shit to themselves. Understandably, this backfired. Rather than it being a collaborative, supportive, gentle, loving exploration, it became dishonest, filled with deceit. They lied to me about doing things with people and about not doing things with people. They made up stories of fuckbuddies and hid some of the real people they were fucking. All the while, I was starting to lose my grip on reality, because, here they were, getting to do all the things I had always wanted, practically rubbing it all in my face, while barring me from having any part of it for myself. It was tortuous. Highlights include them fucking my brother for four uninterrupted hours, and kicking me out of my bed and bedroom to fuck a nine-inch cock while I made them breakfast, then not allowing me to enter until they had finished.
When I learned that they hid that they were flunking all their classes in college, I snapped, and nothing was ever the same again. That’s not how you treat your soulmate. It was supposed to be us against the world, but they weren’t acting like we were a team. In retrospect, I was heartbroken for well more than half of the time we were a couple. The entire last year we were together, I was depressed beyond description. I would come home from work and I would have so little energy that my personality would just melt away. I was devoid of existence. I would sit on a couch, and stare away at nothingness for hours on end. To my credit, my ex would cover me in a blanket, put dinner on my lap, set the iPad in front of me, and put on an anime. I know they truly loved me because they did this for over six months, without complaining.
However, I was simply too broken. Things reached one fever pitch after another. I could always tell that something was wrong, that, as hard as I tried, I was never actually getting through to the person inside. It all felt so superficial. I always knew they were hiding things (not just sexual stuff, but, more simply, their own wants and desires, their simple, everyday preferences). They were there, but not present. So, faced with a soulmate who wasn’t sharing their soul, trauma most insurmountable, and no other options, I did the only thing I could: I accepted a job across the country in New York and fled the width of a continent.
However, as you already know, things didn’t get better. I couldn’t get a date for the life of me; I was – and am – too oddball. That I’ve had only one relationship and that it imploded quite catastrophically does not predispose me to self-worth or experience with dating. I am very intellectual, but a dullard at socialization. Hell, I never even learned how to make out. To boot, I have all this trauma which will take years to move on from. Last christmas, my now ex reached out to me, and we talked pretty much every day for four months. Since I left, they managed to somehow actually succeed in making themselves polyamorous, whereupon they proceeded to date and fuck my now (former) best friend, then leave them to date and move in with their boss from work, whom is over a decade older than them. They were in this relationship for over two and a half years, and we’ve been apart for three. Talking to them again has been rather tortuous, as I’ve been treated to such lovely details about their sex life while being, once again, excluded from it most royally. So… yeah… that’s been fun. And people wonder why I have such a boatload of trauma. After misery peaking once again, I realized that we had come to an impasse: I cannot move forward from the past without them, and they don’t want me back until I’ve moved forward from the past. Such is where things were last left, and I have no indication that they will ever change meaningfully from this.
Now, I want to make clear that I am not at all looking for any sort of statements regarding how I should forget about them and move on. There is so much more nuance than what I can describe here, and I’m not completely without blame either. Although I do not think I fucked up anywhere near as apocalyptically, I did hurt them, too. Nor do I necessarily hate them, either. Though what they did was incredibly, world-endingly hurtful and stupid, it was not done with malice. Time has only made me more sympathetic to their situation, and, thus, their actions. In short, their parent was incredibly abusive, and they also were terrified of losing me, so they were drunk on fear and thought that they needed to act in major ways to keep me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely think that what they did then and have done since has ruined my life, but I understand why things happened the way they did and I don’t love them any less. I mean, I did say they were my soulmate, didn’t I? That has to count for something, doesn’t it? Seriously, though, I wish so badly that I hated them for all they did. That would make it so much easier to move on. I still identify as polyamorous, so this has the unpleasant side-effect of freezing my emotional development on the matter in place. In my case, I could be happily married for a decade and still be nowhere nearer to being able to move on from this ex, so it’s not like having any new sexual or romantic conquests will actually help me to move on from them. And, before you suggest, I already have a therapist, and she’s very nice.
So, since I’ve just spent ten pages telling you about three years of failed efforts to move on, comments or messages saying “move on, dude” will not be looked upon kindly.
––––––––––
Chapter 3: Where I want to go.
So, as you can now see, I am the literal incarnation of damaged goods. I still really don’t know where I am going to post this, but my story is complicated enough that one part is inseparable from the other. If I’m posting this on a subreddit for sexual searches, you’ll need to know why a simple hookup is not on the table at all; conversely, if I’m posting this to a subreddit in search of romantic partners, you’ll need to know about my dreadful sexual brokenness and resulting insecurities up front. Either way, I’ve now managed to waste the time of two groups instead of one; how overachieving of me!
At this juncture of my life, I’ve somewhat come to terms with the fact I won’t ever be getting the tools I need to move on from my ex (something for which I them somewhat resent). However, if it wasn’t made abundantly clear heretofore, the acquisition of another compatriot is the taddest bit flummoxing for me. In short-form, swiping-based dating app formats, it is far too easy to disregard my numerous quirks as simply that, not scars from a lengthy, complicated, demoralizing battle against a society which I am physiologically incapable of understanding. Oh, and the global coronapocalypsemageddonocaust has slightly impacted my ability to partake in social events wherewithin people might be met.
In truth, I am not necessarily the sexiest person in world. I’m a tad bit overweight, but I both wear it well (being absurdly tall helps) and am actively trying to change it (I’ve taken up running [surprisingly enjoyable!] and have lost ~10kg). I definitely don’t think I have an ugly face or anything. But I don’t think that’s actually my problem. In the event that it hasn’t been blindingly obvious up to this point, I am not your average cookie. In stark brief, I attended the Stanford (yes, that one) Online High School, dropped out, started college at 14, graduate at 19 with honors, and am now a Graduate Fellow (one step above student) at an Ivy-League university (expanded definition, fight me). As such, the way in which I go through my life is fairly cerebral. To those whom understand not my eccentricities or the subjects of which I speak, I am perceived as talking down to others. However, it is simply the way in which I approach the world, and I am wholly oblivious in the moment of how I could be perceived as such.
So it is thusly that I here myself find, holding on to the dreadfully unrealistic hope that being honest with the world about myself will earn me the possibility to find another soulmate, but one not programmed to shred what little sanity I have left. Here goes hope:
Regarding my location, if you hadn’t figured out, I live in central Pennsyltucky – 9 miles from the geographic centerpoint of the state, in fact. However, as I tell prospective students, while Penn State is in the middle of nowhere, it is half-way to everywhere! That, combined with my adventurous proclivities, opens up (literal!) horizons, dramatically. I can easily make it in a day trip to anywhere within Pennsylvania (though I love Pittsburgh!) or anywhere in the Megalopolis between Trenton and DC. At a slight stretch, I can also reach NYC, Upstate, Ohio, or, maybe, West Virginia. I am definitely open to meeting people from outside my immediate drive-shed – especially since pretty much all dates in the COVID-19 era start with Zoom, anyway – however, since I’ve been to so many places, front-of-the-line priority will be given to those from places I desire to explore more, including (in order of decreasing preference): Colorado, Northern California, Minnesota, Michigan, Arizona, Texas, and Vermont. If things develop, I both have the means and inclination to successfully conduct an LDR until I finish graduate school in 3-4 years.
Regarding the type of partner, while I am genuinely pansexual, I seem to be mostly romantically attracted with feminine-presenting people. Though, were I to have my druthers, I’d prefer you to be busty, at least moderately height-weight-proportional, and similarly tall, I affirmatively believe that it’s more how you use what you have than what you actually have, so I will always choose the average slut over the prudish bombshell. Other than that, I remain open minded to people of pretty much all walks of life.
Speaking of, for reasons that I hope are quite evident, I am a taaaaaaaaaaaad delicate in my sexuality. I used to be slightly dominant, but am definitely not anymore. I am almost in the realm of gentlefemdom. Please do be understanding that it’ll take some time (and, most likely, lots and lots of crying. I just want you to be sexually open yet patient enough that I could slowly grow back into my sexuality. Actually, that’s part of what I’m most hopeful for in a new partner. It would be really nice to have someone that is strong in their sexuality, and acts very openly with it, but is patient and loyal enough to not make me worried or scared. Someone who would, say, impulsively strip for a hike or skinny-dip, but wouldn’t pressure me to do the same if I wasn’t in the right headspace to do so.
Romantically, well, that’s a more complicated issue. I still identify as polyamorous, and I wouldn’t expect total devotion from my partner, but this is assuredly a difficult area. I think I would be benefitted by a period (likely 6-12 months) by monogamy, just so that I can recover enough to a functional level, then we can slowly and safely open up the relationship (with group stuff happening well before metamours).
Just please be careful with my heart. It’s already taken so much of a beating, and I don’t know how much more it can handle.
––––––––––
Epilogue:
So, yeah, I guess that’s me. If you’ve made it this far, I at least thank you for doing so. I’ve been emotionally isolated for so long that it’s nice to just be acknowledged by other people. I know the likelihood of anything meaningful coming from this is quite, quite low, but this is part of me trying to move forward from the people that hurt me so cripplingly. I definitely come with some baggage, but I hope I’ve shown you who I am and that I at least have the potential to be good again.
I shall leave you with my dating profile. Hopefully this will show you the sonderous story that goes into only but a few words: “I find humor in everything and live for adventures. Highly sarcastic, hot-sauce-addicted, somewhat queer molecular and astrobiologist. Pro: I’m genuine. Con: -ly crazy. Looking for a porter to help me carry my emotional baggage.”
submitted by AstroG4 to lifeinapost [link] [comments]


2020.05.08 00:55 AstroG4 Looking for porter to help me carry my emotional baggage. (Part r4r, part lonely heart, part life story).

Prologue: Hello reddit! I’ve got issues.
I have never done this before, nor do I have any idea what might come of it, but I can tell you that this is probably just as much (if not moreso) an introspective essay as it will be lonely heart ad. I’m somewhat at the point in my life where I need to scream out into the void, and I hope that my honesty will net me just enough cosmic karma to get me out of this hole which I’ve been so unceremoniously dumped into. So, strap in; you're in for some u/rubyoobieoobie length shit.
I’ll leave you with a TLDR for now (because I’m not so callous as to make you scroll to the bottom for it): I have been to 49 states, flew to France for a date, solved a decade-old problem in microbial biochemistry and astrobiology, and am the dictator of my own country. I also have insurmountable trauma from my past (and only) relationship, but I still have deluded myself into thinking there is a hope, a person, a way in which I might someday move on and be happy again.
For those who want to know now, I am a 24-year-old non-binary, assigned-male-at-birth individual in search of someone whom has the patience necessary to deal with the above. Also, potential trigger warning for sexual trauma in Chapter 2.
––––––––––
Chapter 1: Who I currently am.
I’m quite an abnormal fellow. Growing up as the autistic homeschooler of some shut-ins will do that to you, but there was always something about me that was especially aberrant. Skipping rapidly over two decades, a few highlights include attending an Online High School run by an Ivy-League university, becoming a high-school dropout, then starting college at 14 and graduating at 19. However, all magic requires a tradeoff, so I report not having a friend until I was 15 and not having more than two simultaneously until literally 2018. In many ways, I almost wish I hadn’t been homeschooled and was held back academically. I’m certain that, were my upbringing different, I would have been a nerd or geek. I could have learned to play D&D or magic the gathering, I could have liked Naruto, I could have become a gamer or learned to code. I am by no means cool or normal, but I have always lacked any sort of peers or social niche. I do not like sports, but, with equal fervor, I do not like fantasy novels. Both cause a lack of associations. I’m not necessarily lonely for friends – I do have them, and quite a blissful plenty, now – but this does show that, for reasons mostly beyond my control, I have always been somewhat of a loner.
My life, as it currently is, started when I fled a certain situation (pin in that). I moved from the west coast to New York City for a biotech job at a coveted research institution in 2017. I was so overwhelmingly hopeful because, in addition to fleeing trauma and making a good career move, I was moving out from my parents and ready to start my life anew in what had been billed to me for years as Millennial heaven. Brooklyn! Williamsburg! Dumbo! Midtown! Astoria! Tribeca! New York City had been built up in my mind as the place to make it as a young, urban-minded professional. Now, I must make a disclaimer: I was not a country boy heading into this. To that point, I had lived in 8 different cities in 4 different states, most of them major places, so I was quite familiar with how cities should be like. Apparently, New York, however, is not.
I hated that place. Trash, everywhere. Stations, crumbling. Inexcusable income disparity, half-assed parks, wretchedroads, and absolutely no scenic beauty whatsoever. I devised a 45-minute lecture on why The City (as it’s called) sucked so much. Suffice it to say that Chicago is the clearly superior American megacity, followed by Toronto, Denver, Seattle, and Austin. My whole life, growing up on the west coast (where cities ascribed to the novel idea of attempting to benefittheir citizens), I had heard of people who claimed that “all governments are bad, bureaucratic, and inefficient.” I had always dismissed them as crackpot old kooks, but, having experienced New York City for what it was, I all of a sudden can understand how someone who had lived their whole life in such places could come to think that way.
But the thing that made it most unlivable were the people. Especially at my job, but also pretty much throughout the whole region (Providence to Wilmington, in my estimation), the people were overly obsessed with “social coding”. Though an irritatingly imprecise phenomenon for me to describe, it is basically that people have a much more stringent set of acceptable social norms and shun you more harshly for being individualistic. The west coast is significantly better at encouraging you to “let your freak flag fly” (otherwise known as being genuine and honest with yourself).
But the situation was significantly worse for me, specifically. You see, for lack of a better term, I am a psychopath. I don’t mean it in a negative context, per se, and, while I do quite frequently play the role of a narcissist for sake of metahumor, I don’t actually mean people ill will, nor do I callously disregard the well-being of others. It’s just that, due to the quirk of my aberrant neurochemistry and antisocial upbringing, I have always been generally inept at empathy. I am very social, outgoing, kind-hearted, and incredibly humorous – don’t get me wrong – but I can just as much be oblivious to social cues or the tacit desires of others. This peculiar mix leads my personality to be best described as the bastard child of a foursome between Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka, Psych’s Shawn Spencer, Scrubs’ JD, and Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon. I truly mean well and am pure of heart; to that end, I’ve spent much of my life acquiring coping mechanisms to be a better, kinder, more sympathetic person and friend. But, for one reason or another, I was ill-equipped to deal with that most fetid breed person known to man: the “Lawn Guylander”.
This all culminated in a moment of crisis, but which I have come to look back on as the “Poughkeepsie Epiphany” (because, ever so creatively, I was driving thence at the time I had it): for almost a year, I had been putting an exorbitant amount of effort into playing the part of this overly social person, but was failing catastrophically. No matter how hard I tried, I could not meet people or make friends, much less find a partner. My coworkers loathed me, but in a way which they all looked down on me as if I was a defective human whom they didn’t care to humor one bit (one of the most vindicating moments was when a postdoc joined the lab from San Diego and he was similarly abhorred at the social climate). One day, I had a realization that there wasn’t a single person in the world who knew when I woke up, nor a single person that would care if I didn’t. That was a painful day. So, my Poughkeepsie Epiphany was that I could continue struggling to play the social game and end up cripplingly lonely, or I could be exactly as lonely as I would be otherwise, but be genuine to myself – no matter how anomalous that might be – and actually be happy with who I was for so doing.
This is when I started to become crazy, and quite proudly so. If there was an idea that was absurd in scope but was a completionist goal, I did it. I started road-tripping with an epic fervor (I knocked off 8 remaining states from my list, mostly New England, to get me to 49 [pin in that]). Road-tripping and adventuring is now a major aspect of my personality, and I have since accrued over 11,000 saved places on google maps (my poor, poor phone starts to melt whenever I open the app for navigation). Over the remaining months I had in New York, I rode every line of the New York City Subway end to end. I taught myself military time, metric, the NATO phonetic alphabet, and the nations of the world. Whenever I would go to bars, instead of socializing ineptly, I would open my backpack and yank out a massive tome such as (initially) a book on the AOL-Time Warner Merger (“something which one cannot read whilst sober”) or (later) Penn State, an Illustrated History (did you know we had a branch campus in China?). Sometimes, people would look over at me as the shockwave caused by the massive thwack of the volume hitting the bartop rolled by, and I would proudly adopt the facial expression of “Yes, I am that weird, and I don’t give a damn.” To be sure, I was still cripplingly lonely, but I was, for the first time in my life, happy.
I also began devising an escape plan. I decided to rapidly accelerate my life plans and apply for graduate school years ahead of what I had intended. Come January, I got interviews at three Ivys: Penn State, Duke, and Columbia. It was no contest. Duke sux balz and felt like an incompetent department living in the shadow of their medical center while also having the misplaced haughtiness to think they deserved equal recognition (also, I didn’t want to go to a place where the yearly tuition was more money than I had ever earned in my entire life to that point). Unlike Duke, Columbia actually had some quality research going on, but there was only one professor I was interested in and the department felt like it was out more for its own reputation than to actually support its graduate students. Penn State, however, stole my heart. Though painfully rural, the town felt like a very tiny big city. The university was friendly and earnest, the students were fun-loving but not reckless, and it’s one of only two universities in the country to offer a Dual-Title Ph.D. in [Home Field] and Astrobiology, a subject which I had always been enthralled by. As a concrete comparison, Columbia had just acquired three Cryo-Electron microscopes and was showing them off to us, but they were shared with thirteen other research institutions in the New York Metropolitan Area. Penn State, on the other hand, had one Krios, all to itself, which had been installed four years earlier. I have since confirmed that Penn State clearly puts its money where its mouth was and does its damnedest to support its scientists in producing world-class research.
So, slightly over a year after moving to New York, I was ready to start my life over again – but, this time, I had the mindset to do it correctly. At risk of turning this too much into an autobiography, I’ll cut short the narrative. In the two years since the Poughkeepsie Epiphany, though, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. Partly out of my passion for storytelling and humor, and partly as a way to stake out my own identity in this world, I’ve latched on to certain oddball stories that most exemplify this newfound sense of self which I’ve acquired. Since they are a significant part of my personality and do an excellent job of portraying my uniquely blusterous metahumor, I'll share a few of the most notable:
  1. I’ve been to 49 states:
When people ask where I grew up, I respond that I’ve lived in 10 different cities in six different states, and have been to 49 (some people also ask if my father was in the military [no], or, once, witness protection [I am not at liberty to disclose whether this is true]). The one remaining state is Oklahoma. I am really debating just buying plane tickets to Oklahoma City for a weekend just so that I can say I’ve been to all 50. To justify my trip, I could go on a tour of why white people are so horrible by visiting the Oklahoma Museum of the Native American, the Oklahoma Museum of the African American, and the Oklahoma Museum of the Gay Cowboy (all of which, to my knowledge, are real places). Woohoo! A trifecta of oppression! However, if I were to actually visit Oklahoma and do this, I would then lose this marvelous and witty conversation topic about which last state I have yet to visit and what I would do while there, so it’s a serious cost-benefit analysis that I must weigh.
  1. I am the Dictator of my own country:
This is probably much less interesting than you’d think. There’s a rather... unique hobby out there of people who (for the most part) tongue-in-cheekily secede from their parent countries to form ultra-small monarchies or banana republics. In my case, I thought that the most reasonable and considered response to the Trump Presidency was to give up on the entire country and secede to form my own. I’m going to build a wall and make America pay for it! This is also actually more legitimate than you’d think, too, as I was invited to and attended the United Micronations, the second-largest meeting of nations in the world (the “largest” organization is in New York, I think. I really don’t pay too much attention to it). As a result, I ended up forming a federation, making several alliances, and maintain regular contact with several other micronationalists. On the domestic front, I made both my roommates sign a 37-page, 42-clause, 17k-word Cohabitation Agreement (á la Sheldon), which, among other things, has reservations for Spots, a flag, a legal system, time travel, and gives me power of attorney over them (you’d be surprised; they both signed it voluntarily, without complaint, and after having read it in its entirety). One might add that they do not pay rent; I levy taxes. Finally, I attempted an infiltration of the local Civil War Reenactors (they have a cannon!) to help me in my ongoing war against the local recycling agency for gross ineptitude, but, for some incomprehensible reason, a bunch of old, white, rurally-inclined men didn't take so kindly to my opinions on conservatism and modern politics. I am convinced that this is merely a marketing issue, and we are workshopping new slogans for our planned invasion of the adjacent curb and sidewalk.
  1. I flew to France for a date:
The story I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. I met an undergraduate here and went on two dates with her, but then she did a semester abroad in France. It was going somewhat well; we were texting every day, and this was the first meaningful person I had actually gone on a date with since... things (pin in that). I quickly ran the numbers, looked at my schedule, and then came up with a hair-brained scheme. You see, I grew up in Florida, so a significant part of my childhood was consumed by theme parks. Sparring you a lot of details, two of the parks (Disney’s Hollywood Studios and Universal Studios) originally opened under the auspices of special-features theme parks, a de-immersive experience where they show you how the movies are made. In the past decade, however, both parks have been moving towards more immersive experiences, where the only common factor among the attractions is that they are all based on intellectual properties that just happened to be movie franchises. This started to feel like a real loss when I learned that the Backlot Tour and Lights, Motors, Action at Disney were being bulldozed for sake of Star Wars: Galaxy’s edge, the former of which was a very important ride to my childhood, and the latter of which was something that I always wanted to see. Lo and behold, a little research revealed that both of these attractions were intact at Disney Studios in Paris. So, a date in the South of France, personally-important theme park attractions in the north, TGV connecting them, and, oh, yeah, duh, it’s Paris, that’s justification in itself.
I planned it out meticulously. For the week leading up to the trip, I would get up, go to work, and go to bed an hour earlier every day (the trip was only going to be three days, so any jet-lag-induced napping would have had an alarmingly high opportunity cost). Then, on the day of the flight, I woke up just before midnight, had breakfast at a favorite bar at closing time, went in to work, and left for JFK by noon. Ten hours of globe-trotting later, I arrived on the Mediterranean coast and proceeded to mispronounce everything.
The date in France was supposed to be our third. What traditionally happens on the third date? Now, let it be known that I would NEVER be the type of person to demand sexuality from anyone, but, you do have to admit, flying 20% of the circumference of a planet is a pretty grand gesture, is it not? I mean, you can’t get a much grander gesture before you literally run out of planet. So, for this third date to take place and for me to not get laid is pretty empirical proof that I am quite irrevocably unfuckable. My next plan is to start looking for dates in Bangladesh (or Oklahoma), because that’s as close as you can get to antipodal (a perfect 50% of the planet's circumference) as you can get from here. Oh, and those two attractions at Disney Studios, not kidding, they were closed ahead of schedule a week before I arrived. Now, I’m not asking for pity at all; don’t get me wrong, I had a blast! It’s Paris, godsdamnit! But I prefer to view this trip in the narrower, funnier, yet sadder context of the two busts above because it helps me to better come to terms with the parts of myself I dislike. As I often say: “I could either laugh or cry at myself. I’d rather one than the other.”
  1. I returned from France with a Motorcycle:
Although France girl never worked out (I don’t think I made a fool of myself or anything, but, remember, I am legitimately inept at this), the trip to France did have a lasting impact on my life in another way. I am an avid bicyclist for a variety of reasons: staying active, helping the environment, and it’s flying like superman at ground level when [safely!] dodging in and out of undergrads. Now, while strolling down the lonely streets of a certain city in the South of France, I encountered one particular bicycle rack with about 25% regular bicycles, about 25% electric bicycles, about 25% mopeds and scooters, and 25% fully-blown motorcycles, all chained up side by side. Having a doctor as a parent, I spent my entire life thinking of motorcycles as hooligan deathtraps, but, here, I was seeing them for the first time in the context of something I had already made an important part of my life.
Upon returning home (by the way, you already know my disdain for New York Shitty [sic] and Wrong Island [sic], so imagine the gutwrenching heartbreak of arriving there after just having spent a weekend in Paris[!]), I arrived at the parking lot, looked at my car, and counted room for four extra people that I didn’t need (because I had no friends). Thus, in my feverish road-tripping, I was hauling around an unnecessary 1.96 tons of extra material – with a dreadful gas mileage to boot! – killing the planet as a result. The next few days were spent obsessively investigating this newfound world which I had heretofore disregarded. Ever since being gifted my car and spittaking at its gas mileage, I always wanted another, more environmentally-conscious vehicle. However, living in the so-called Pennsyltucky, electric vehicle charging stations are fairly sparse in their deployment. Also, I didn’t want to buy a true replacement vehicle, as I am too poor. I was more targeting a hyper-environmentally-conscious vehicle which I could use for my luxury adventures, and then still have the old, reliable gas-guzzler for when I needed to haul around a couch or power through to Virginia. Motorcycles, as I found, have an average of 56mpg, 2.5 times better than my car.
But, now, I was starting to find my way into the culture of motorcycles, something which, on the whole, I find myself violently at odds with. As the joke I tell goes, most motorcycles aren’t actually built for long-distance exploring, like what I already did in my car. Most of them are dirt bikes, with basically bench seats, or sport bikes, which require you to hunch over and lean your stomach on the gas tank. Not very comfortable for long treks. There are only two types of bikes made with comfort in mind: the sport-tourer, which I ended up getting, and the cruiser, which is made entirely out of chrome, handle-bar mustaches, and racism (or homophobia, depending on my audience). Needless to say, I prefer the former.
For those interested, I ended up with the Yamaha Tracer GT. In addition to (proudly!) having only one piece of chrome (the downward-facing exhaust) and being sexy and futuristic as all futhermuck, it is functional, having two panniers (saddle-bags), each capable of holding four half-gallons of Berkey Creamery ice cream (ask me how I know). Skipping over many of the specifics of how I chose this particular model regarding my choice of motorcycle, a big figure in motorcycle news opened his review of the Tracer with “It’s not often I ride a motorcycle and walk away with existential questions for the readers.” For those who have been following along, this quote is the exact thing that I latch on to as part of my newfound identity as a blissful lunatic.
  1. The Semester of Hell and solving a decade-old issue in microbial physiology:
So, come the end of my first year as a graduate student, I started to look towards my second fall semester. The only thing I had to do was my qualifying exam, the really big, month-long exam that determines whether or not you can stay in graduate school. But that was only during November, so, overall, it was going to be an empty semester. Then I learned that a big-name professor in microbiology was retiring, and the last time he was going to teach would be that fall. So, I signed up for his course. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then I learned of a prestigious grant that I could apply for, so I decided to take a grant-writing course. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then I got an email from the department, saying that they needed more TAs for Freshman Biology lab. I had to TA as a requirement of my program, so I might as well get it out of the way now. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester. Then, in July and August, I made an incredible discovery that solved a problem in microbial physiology that had been around since 2009 (pin in that). I spoke with my PI, and he said we could power through and probably get a paper out in under a year. I told him I wanted to do that. After all, it was supposed to be an empty semester.
Well, as you can now see, it wasn’t a very empty semester, was it now? To great surprise, I survived, but not unscathed. On average, I worked 60-70 hours a week, though some of it was partially my own doing (for example, my term paper for the bacterial physiology course had seventy citations, even though it was only required to have ten). One “highlight” was TAing. Apparently, my students thought my quiz was so hard that they called the university police on me (I’m not exaggerating; we had to pursue academic integrity violations. It was a debacle). I joked that, with each subsequent class period, I became more and more sympathetic to the antagonists of teen dystopian novels; maybe it is time to build a floating elitist city in the sky and leave the rest of the planet to shit, after all?
Now, I’m certain that many of you are curious as to the contents of my discovery. I can’t exactly speak freely, as the manuscript is in review, but, even if I could, it would be waaaaay too complex and jargony to be comprehensible to the lay public (and this is already going on long enough). Suffice it to be the simple version: A particular class of protein had been known in microbes for a very long time and is involved in pretty much everything, from simple feeding to complex infections. In certain bacteria, this category of protein is modified in a certain way, and people always thought (for over 40 years) that this modification was a transport signal. However, a decade ago, a research groups, perplexingly, discovered these modified proteins in a bacterium that didn’t have th modification-making enzyme. This left two major questions: if not for transport, what was this modification for; and, what is the enzyme that makes the modification in all the other bacteria? I solved the latter question by spending four months looking through the entire genome of the original bacterium and finally finding the modification-making protein, and I’ve spent ever since trying to characterize it. The paper should be published sometime within a month or three (the current coronapocalypse is a boon for manuscript-preparation). Additionally, the previous graduate student in the lab to me made an interesting discovery regarding the genetics of the modification-making enzyme, and my next paper will expand on their work to determine the actual function of this modification. These proteins and their modifications are important because (on the applied side) they belong to major pathogens and could be a target for treating infections and (on the basic side) we have indications that they are part of a planetary-wide stress put on bacteria during evolution (hence, my astrobiological machinations).
––––––––––
Chapter 2: Where I came from.
Now we have to get into how I got to this point. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of sexual trauma. In 2014, when I was still an undergrad, I met whom I called then my soulmate. They were beautiful, fun, perky, and adventurous. They were my first relationship and we took each other’s virginity in a tent after a romantic picnic. But, sadly, less than a year in, things started to go off the rails. I came out as polyamorous. The way I have best found to describe it is when you ask a parent which their favorite child is. All parents worth their salt will say “I love each of my children in their own, unique way.” Such is the same with me. At the time, I had feelings for some of my other friends; but! mind you! they were in no way enough to ever consider ever leaving my soulmate. It was simply such that I had my one, my true, my only, but I didn’t want that to have to mean I tell all other people in my life “Bah! You mean nothing to me because of the ambiguity of my relationship status at the time you met me.” I also had quite a complex from growing up so antisocially and isolated. This was a time in my life when things started to look up. Pieces were finally starting to fall into place, I had some friends and acquaintances, and people actually cared for me. It was thusly then that I realized I was polyamorous, but in mostly a loving way, not necessarily as a swinger or horndog. So, I came out.
In any other situation in the world, this might have not been as catastrophic. However, there were certain things about my soulmate which I knew not at the time that caused not just my relationship, not just my life, but my reality to crumble. You see, they grew up in an incredibly abusive situation, and the only way they knew how to act was to throw away every part of themselves for the people whom they loved. Whelp, that meant “forcing” themselves to be polyamorous for me. They devised a ridiculous plan where they would go out and sleep with lots of people to become okay with the idea of nonmonogamy. Needless to say, this was a batshit crazy idea, but they didn’t tell me their true feelings of how traumatizing this would be for them, and I decided to trust them that this is what they knew would be best for them and that it would all work out in the end. What can I say? What is love if not supporting your partner? I honestly thought it could be okay.
However, as you might guess, it was not. The main issue came from all their mental instability that they had hidden from me for so long. They became quite dissociative and hid it all from me. As such, they tried to compartmentalize their sexual exploration away from our relationship, making me less involved. In short, I was supposed to be their monogamous “safe space” while they did all this terrible shit to themselves. Understandably, this backfired. Rather than it being a collaborative, supportive, gentle, loving exploration, it became dishonest, filled with deceit. They lied to me about doing things with people and about not doing things with people. They made up stories of fuckbuddies and hid some of the real people they were fucking. All the while, I was starting to lose my grip on reality, because, here they were, getting to do all the things I had always wanted, practically rubbing it all in my face, while barring me from having any part of it for myself. It was tortuous. Highlights include them fucking my brother for four uninterrupted hours, and kicking me out of my bed and bedroom to fuck a nine-inch cock while I made them breakfast, then not allowing me to enter until they had finished.
When I learned that they hid that they were flunking all their classes in college, I snapped, and nothing was ever the same again. That’s not how you treat your soulmate. It was supposed to be us against the world, but they weren’t acting like we were a team. In retrospect, I was heartbroken for well more than half of the time we were a couple. The entire last year we were together, I was depressed beyond description. I would come home from work and I would have so little energy that my personality would just melt away. I was devoid of existence. I would sit on a couch, and stare away at nothingness for hours on end. To my credit, my ex would cover me in a blanket, put dinner on my lap, set the iPad in front of me, and put on an anime. I know they truly loved me because they did this for over six months, without complaining.
However, I was simply too broken. Things reached one fever pitch after another. I could always tell that something was wrong, that, as hard as I tried, I was never actually getting through to the person inside. It all felt so superficial. I always knew they were hiding things (not just sexual stuff, but, more simply, their own wants and desires, their simple, everyday preferences). They were there, but not present. So, faced with a soulmate who wasn’t sharing their soul, trauma most insurmountable, and no other options, I did the only thing I could: I accepted a job across the country in New York and fled the width of a continent.
However, as you already know, things didn’t get better. I couldn’t get a date for the life of me; I was – and am – too oddball. That I’ve had only one relationship and that it imploded quite catastrophically does not predispose me to self-worth or experience with dating. I am very intellectual, but a dullard at socialization. Hell, I never even learned how to make out. To boot, I have all this trauma which will take years to move on from. Last christmas, my now ex reached out to me, and we talked pretty much every day for four months. Since I left, they managed to somehow actually succeed in making themselves polyamorous, whereupon they proceeded to date and fuck my now (former) best friend, then leave them to date and move in with their boss from work, whom is over a decade older than them. They were in this relationship for over two and a half years, and we’ve been apart for three. Talking to them again has been rather tortuous, as I’ve been treated to such lovely details about their sex life while being, once again, excluded from it most royally. So… yeah… that’s been fun. And people wonder why I have such a boatload of trauma. After misery peaking once again, I realized that we had come to an impasse: I cannot move forward from the past without them, and they don’t want me back until I’ve moved forward from the past. Such is where things were last left, and I have no indication that they will ever change meaningfully from this.
Now, I want to make clear that I am not at all looking for any sort of statements regarding how I should forget about them and move on. There is so much more nuance than what I can describe here, and I’m not completely without blame either. Although I do not think I fucked up anywhere near as apocalyptically, I did hurt them, too. Nor do I necessarily hate them, either. Though what they did was incredibly, world-endingly hurtful and stupid, it was not done with malice. Time has only made me more sympathetic to their situation, and, thus, their actions. In short, their parent was incredibly abusive, and they also were terrified of losing me, so they were drunk on fear and thought that they needed to act in major ways to keep me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely think that what they did then and have done since has ruined my life, but I understand why things happened the way they did and I don’t love them any less. I mean, I did say they were my soulmate, didn’t I? That has to count for something, doesn’t it? Seriously, though, I wish so badly that I hated them for all they did. That would make it so much easier to move on. I still identify as polyamorous, so this has the unpleasant side-effect of freezing my emotional development on the matter in place. In my case, I could be happily married for a decade and still be nowhere nearer to being able to move on from this ex, so it’s not like having any new sexual or romantic conquests will actually help me to move on from them. And, before you suggest, I already have a therapist, and she’s very nice.
So, since I’ve just spent ten pages telling you about three years of failed efforts to move on, comments or messages saying “move on, dude” will not be looked upon kindly.
––––––––––
Chapter 3: Where I want to go.
So, as you can now see, I am the literal incarnation of damaged goods. I still really don’t know where I am going to post this, but my story is complicated enough that one part is inseparable from the other. If I’m posting this on a subreddit for sexual searches, you’ll need to know why a simple hookup is not on the table at all; conversely, if I’m posting this to a subreddit in search of romantic partners, you’ll need to know about my dreadful sexual brokenness and resulting insecurities up front. Either way, I’ve now managed to waste the time of two groups instead of one; how overachieving of me!
At this juncture of my life, I’ve somewhat come to terms with the fact I won’t ever be getting the tools I need to move on from my ex (something for which I them somewhat resent). However, if it wasn’t made abundantly clear heretofore, the acquisition of another compatriot is the taddest bit flummoxing for me. In short-form, swiping-based dating app formats, it is far too easy to disregard my numerous quirks as simply that, not scars from a lengthy, complicated, demoralizing battle against a society which I am physiologically incapable of understanding. Oh, and the global coronapocalypsemageddonocaust has slightly impacted my ability to partake in social events wherewithin people might be met.
In truth, I am not necessarily the sexiest person in world. I’m a tad bit overweight, but I both wear it well (being absurdly tall helps) and am actively trying to change it (I’ve taken up running [surprisingly enjoyable!] and have lost ~10kg). I definitely don’t think I have an ugly face or anything. But I don’t think that’s actually my problem. In the event that it hasn’t been blindingly obvious up to this point, I am not your average cookie. In stark brief, I attended the Stanford (yes, that one) Online High School, dropped out, started college at 14, graduate at 19 with honors, and am now a Graduate Fellow (one step above student) at an Ivy-League university (expanded definition, fight me). As such, the way in which I go through my life is fairly cerebral. To those whom understand not my eccentricities or the subjects of which I speak, I am perceived as talking down to others. However, it is simply the way in which I approach the world, and I am wholly oblivious in the moment of how I could be perceived as such.
So it is thusly that I here myself find, holding on to the dreadfully unrealistic hope that being honest with the world about myself will earn me the possibility to find another soulmate, but one not programmed to shred what little sanity I have left. Here goes hope:
Regarding my location, if you hadn’t figured out, I live in central Pennsyltucky – 9 miles from the geographic centerpoint of the state, in fact. However, as I tell prospective students, while Penn State is in the middle of nowhere, it is half-way to everywhere! That, combined with my adventurous proclivities, opens up (literal!) horizons, dramatically. I can easily make it in a day trip to anywhere within Pennsylvania (though I love Pittsburgh!) or anywhere in the Megalopolis between Trenton and DC. At a slight stretch, I can also reach NYC, Upstate, Ohio, or, maybe, West Virginia. I am definitely open to meeting people from outside my immediate drive-shed – especially since pretty much all dates in the COVID-19 era start with Zoom, anyway – however, since I’ve been to so many places, front-of-the-line priority will be given to those from places I desire to explore more, including (in order of decreasing preference): Colorado, Northern California, Minnesota, Michigan, Arizona, Texas, and Vermont. If things develop, I both have the means and inclination to successfully conduct an LDR until I finish graduate school in 3-4 years.
Regarding the type of partner, while I am genuinely pansexual, I seem to be mostly romantically attracted with feminine-presenting people. Though, were I to have my druthers, I’d prefer you to be busty, at least moderately height-weight-proportional, and similarly tall, I affirmatively believe that it’s more how you use what you have than what you actually have, so I will always choose the average slut over the prudish bombshell. Other than that, I remain open minded to people of pretty much all walks of life.
Speaking of, for reasons that I hope are quite evident, I am a taaaaaaaaaaaad delicate in my sexuality. I used to be slightly dominant, but am definitely not anymore. I am almost in the realm of gentlefemdom. Please do be understanding that it’ll take some time (and, most likely, lots and lots of crying. I just want you to be sexually open yet patient enough that I could slowly grow back into my sexuality. Actually, that’s part of what I’m most hopeful for in a new partner. It would be really nice to have someone that is strong in their sexuality, and acts very openly with it, but is patient and loyal enough to not make me worried or scared. Someone who would, say, impulsively strip for a hike or skinny-dip, but wouldn’t pressure me to do the same if I wasn’t in the right headspace to do so.
Romantically, well, that’s a more complicated issue. I still identify as polyamorous, and I wouldn’t expect total devotion from my partner, but this is assuredly a difficult area. I think I would be benefitted by a period (likely 6-12 months) by monogamy, just so that I can recover enough to a functional level, then we can slowly and safely open up the relationship (with group stuff happening well before metamours).
Just please be careful with my heart. It’s already taken so much of a beating, and I don’t know how much more it can handle.
––––––––––
Epilogue:
So, yeah, I guess that’s me. If you’ve made it this far, I at least thank you for doing so. I’ve been emotionally isolated for so long that it’s nice to just be acknowledged by other people. I know the likelihood of anything meaningful coming from this is quite, quite low, but this is part of me trying to move forward from the people that hurt me so cripplingly. I definitely come with some baggage, but I hope I’ve shown you who I am and that I at least have the potential to be good again.
I shall leave you with my dating profile. Hopefully this will show you the sonderous story that goes into only but a few words: “I find humor in everything and live for adventures. Highly sarcastic, hot-sauce-addicted, somewhat queer molecular and astrobiologist. Pro: I’m genuine. Con: -ly crazy. Looking for a porter to help me carry my emotional baggage.”
submitted by AstroG4 to Pennsylvaniar4r [link] [comments]


2020.05.06 18:58 closingbelle How to Choose a Great DB Therapist - Part 2

Welcome back! Click here for Part 1

 

Credentials

When we talk about sex therapy, we often say things like "certified", "licensed" and other terms. Those are important, so let's get a quick breakdown, and there will be a glossary at the bottom for anything that people think needs explanation.
 

Yes, "Certified Sex Therapist" is the one you need (usually) for a DB, but why?

Now that we've kind of explained the general, let's get really specific. Most people mistake "sexuality educator" or "sexuality counselors" for just another name for "sex therapist".
Let's not do that, because they are really, really not the same thing.
Educators are not required to have the same kind of training and experience as therapists, counselors can't offer the same range of treatment options, there's a lot of confusion sometimes. Just being "AASECT Certified" isn't enough. They need to be certified to help you with the actual problem you're having. What does that mean in practical terms?
 

PLISSIT Down

If you take a gander at the AASECT website, they explain, emphasis mine:
Using the below P-LI-SS-IT* Model for Sexual Counseling, sexuality counselors are trained to perform the initial three steps (P-LI-SS), while sex therapists can provide all four (P-LI-SS-IT).
The P-LI-SS-IT Model for Sexual Counseling:
Permission (P): The practitioner creates a climate of comfort and permission for clients to discuss sexual concerns, often introducing the topic of sexuality, thereby validating sexuality as a legitimate health issue.
Limited Information (LI): The practitioner addresses specific sexual concerns and attempts to correct myths and misinformation.
Specific suggestions (SS): The practitioner compiles a sexual history or profile of the client:
    1. Defining the issues and concerns of the client.
    1. Determining the course of how the issues have evolved over time.
    1. Facilitating the client's understanding of the main issues and providing options for resolution.
    1. Assisting the client in formulating perceptions and ideas about sources of these concerns and developing realistic and appropriate goals and solution plans.
Intensive Therapy (IT): The practitioner provides specialized treatment in cases that are complicated by the coexistence of other complex life issues which may also include psychiatric diagnoses such as depression, anxiety disorders (including obsessive-compulsive disorder), personality disorders, or substance abuse, or by interpersonal or intrapersonal conflict.
Sexuality counselors are trained to identify situations that require intensive therapy and to make appropriate referrals.
https://www.aasect.org/aasect-certification
https://www.aasect.org/vision-sexual-health
 
Another key factor for needing a Sex Therapist© is access to related professional services. What does this mean?
Well, one example might be that you get a referral from your AASECT sex therapist to a pelvic floor specialist who works on dedicated physical therapy related to pain during sex.
Sex therapy is not just about talking forever. It connects with other disciplines, taking a holistic approach to your sex life, and working to address every single aspect, not just the obvious ones. Maybe you need thyroid testing, some sex therapists can coordinate an appointment and then help you understand the results. Interdisciplinary and multi-faceted care is part of why certified and accredited sex therapists are different from other options.
They not only work to understand your mind, but your body and they work to address the whole person (for each of you), as well as the whole relationship. If they are great at their job, they can help you find individual therapists, medical doctors, physical therapy, and other services. They'll coordinate with those people, you and your partner, act as a unifying information hub to get the big picture, and make sure you understand everything. They also help coordinate that information between you and your partner in healthy and respectful ways.
 

What else is there other than AASECT?

While I consider AASECT the gold standard for sex therapist certification and continual training, there are other certification courses or organizations for that may be related:
I have limited experience with the other options, and I would defer to the client experience. If you've had great success with one of these other organizations, please leave a comment. It may help someone else!
 

What about college?

You can also look at where they studied, which may give you insight not only into the kind of program they attended, but also the culture/background of the program itself. If you've got a therapist who studied at Indiana, they might have more fluency in Kinsey Institute jargon, just for example.
But where they got their degree isn't as important as what they got their degree in, and what they did with it. For every class of Ivy League grads, half of them were in the bottom half of their class. Same goes for med school, lol. If you choose a therapist who attended a local university or state school, but they happen to be brilliant with a solid success rate, I would forget the degree and get to work.
Common degree paths might include things like:
Having a Masters degree, a PsyD or PhD, having an MD (for psychiatric practice), or BSN, PhyA, other medical background can be useful. Programs can be named almost anything, but most important things to look for are accredited schools, valid and up-to-date licensure, professional organization membership, professional certification, etc.
While all of these things are useful, couple's counseling isn't usually enough for a DB. You can try it! You can pick a PhD in psych, and give it a go. Like I said earlier, if it's a communication issue, you can probably resolve it there!
But if it's a sex problem, you need a professional with years of advanced training and more importantly, experience. You need someone who has successfully helped other people like you, in worse situations than yours, who has a methodology that goes beyond book learning and into the real world.
You'll need a sex therapist. You'll need a great sex therapist if the problem is dire enough.
 

What makes a great sex therapist?

This is a bit more objective. But it's still largely opinion and individual preference. You might work best with a Gottman-style therapist. Your personality might mesh well with the Schnarch Crucible. I personally don't like either of those methods, so while I can appreciate they work for others, if I were seeking help, they would be useless to me. I often compare it to translators or relationship archeology, sometimes civil engineering...
I know, you don't think you need a translator because you speak the same language. But, are you, though? Because if you were, you might be less frustrated and unhappy, feel less misunderstood, less bitter, less resentful. If you truly felt that your partner understood you and your experience, if you felt they were being completely truthful and transparent, you might have a different perspective.
This also becomes easy to see in the standard "why don't they work harder (or at all) to fix this" or "all I want is acknowledgement of the problem and a commitment to trying to fix it". I would bet they feel the same in some cases. Some have even tried to do exactly that but their partner was not capable of seeing it, missed it entirely, etc. If you say this kind of thing, it illustrates not only that you don't understand the issue yet for whatever reason, but also that you don't understand what your partner is thinking or feeling about the issue.
It really is okay! This happens, and it's really possible to address the gap in lots of cases. But you need someone who can take what you're saying and put it in a way that your partner can not only understand but feel. They have to find that empathy for you, and vice versa, and it can be difficult to locate! Look at how much stuff is piled on top already.
 

What makes a sex therapist the best choice for me?

Everyone is going to hate reading this answer, but here goes nothing - it's complicated.
You need to start from the beginning. If you want therapy, then you're the one with the problem. People will seek to fix problems they recognize. You've pushed for or requested therapy, that makes you the one who has recognized a problem exists. That's a good thing! If you both mutually agreed on therapy, you likely both identify a problem! That's great! They are often completely separate problems, and occasionally diametrically opposed.
If you see the problem, you'll be doing the most work. Terrible, I know. But again, it is a positive, because it means that growth and change are in your hands. The right therapist will offer support, motivation and challenge you to think differently. No, not tell you that you're wrong or bad. Just making sure that you are really practicing introspection and self-interrogation. They should be helping you find your voice. And helping your partner do the same. Then, if you've chosen wisely, the therapist will not only translate, but teach you how to speak each other's languages or help you both invent a new one together.

What about my partner?

Basically, everything that applies to you getting the best sex therapist also needs to apply to your partner. It really can take a while to find the best available choice for both of you. That's normal. On the bright side, if you choose poorly, it may motivate your partner to get more involved in the selection of the next one. Never pick this option intentionally however, it can spectacularly backfire into never wanting to go again.
 

The End?

Not everyone will emerge from even the best therapy with the desired outcome. If things don't get better, there's still hope.
A great sex therapist can also make it much easier to navigate a split if required. It can help with rediscovering your sexuality post-split, helping you find things that may be getting in your own way, how to talk to future partners, how to be healthier in your sex life going forward, etc.
If you're going into sex therapy, try to get a coordinated individual therapist at the same time. Preferably one for each partner. They can be given permission in some cases (with your consent) to join your sex therapy treatment team. It can significantly improve and increase the speed of progress, having space to deal with individual issues at the same time.
 
 
Glossary:
If you don't understand a term, comment to have it added here.
submitted by closingbelle to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]


2020.05.06 04:38 closingbelle MULL (Part 24): Introducing the 1st Practical Guide MULL or PGMULL - How to pick the right DB therapist! Section B

Welcome back! Click here for Section A!

 

Credentials

When we talk about sex therapy, we often say things like "certified", "licensed" and other terms. Those are important, so let's get a quick breakdown, and there will be a glossary at the bottom for anything that people think needs explanation.
 

Yes, "Certified Sex Therapist" is the one you need (usually) for a DB, but why?

Now that we've kind of explained the general, let's get really specific. Most people mistake "sexuality educator" or "sexuality counselors" for just another name for "sex therapist".
Let's not do that, because they are really, really not the same thing.
Educators are not required to have the same kind of training and experience as therapists, counselors can't offer the same range of treatment options, there's a lot of confusion sometimes. Just being "AASECT Certified" isn't enough. They need to be certified to help you with the actual problem you're having. What does that mean in practical terms?
 

PLISSIT Down

If you take a gander at the AASECT website, they explain, emphasis mine:
Using the below P-LI-SS-IT* Model for Sexual Counseling, sexuality counselors are trained to perform the initial three steps (P-LI-SS), while sex therapists can provide all four (P-LI-SS-IT).
The P-LI-SS-IT Model for Sexual Counseling:
Permission (P): The practitioner creates a climate of comfort and permission for clients to discuss sexual concerns, often introducing the topic of sexuality, thereby validating sexuality as a legitimate health issue.
Limited Information (LI): The practitioner addresses specific sexual concerns and attempts to correct myths and misinformation.
Specific suggestions (SS): The practitioner compiles a sexual history or profile of the client:
    1. Defining the issues and concerns of the client.
    1. Determining the course of how the issues have evolved over time.
    1. Facilitating the client's understanding of the main issues and providing options for resolution.
    1. Assisting the client in formulating perceptions and ideas about sources of these concerns and developing realistic and appropriate goals and solution plans.
Intensive Therapy (IT): The practitioner provides specialized treatment in cases that are complicated by the coexistence of other complex life issues which may also include psychiatric diagnoses such as depression, anxiety disorders (including obsessive-compulsive disorder), personality disorders, or substance abuse, or by interpersonal or intrapersonal conflict.
Sexuality counselors are trained to identify situations that require intensive therapy and to make appropriate referrals.
https://www.aasect.org/aasect-certification
https://www.aasect.org/vision-sexual-health
 
Another key factor for needing a Sex Therapist© is access to related professional services. What does this mean?
Well, one example might be that you get a referral from your AASECT sex therapist to a pelvic floor specialist who works on dedicated physical therapy related to pain during sex.
Sex therapy is not just about talking forever. It connects with other disciplines, taking a holistic approach to your sex life, and working to address every single aspect, not just the obvious ones. Maybe you need thyroid testing, some sex therapists can coordinate an appointment and then help you understand the results. Interdisciplinary and multi-faceted care is part of why certified and accredited sex therapists are different from other options.
They not only work to understand your mind, but your body and they work to address the whole person (for each of you), as well as the whole relationship. If they are great at their job, they can help you find individual therapists, medical doctors, physical therapy, and other services. They'll coordinate with those people, you and your partner, act as a unifying information hub to get the big picture, and make sure you understand everything. They also help coordinate that information between you and your partner in healthy and respectful ways.
 

What else is there other than AASECT?

While I consider AASECT the gold standard for sex therapist certification and continual training, there are other certification courses or organizations for that may be related:
I have limited experience with the other options, and I would defer to the client experience. If you've had great success with one of these other organizations, please leave a comment. It may help someone else!
 

What about college?

You can also look at where they studied, which may give you insight not only into the kind of program they attended, but also the culture/background of the program itself. If you've got a therapist who studied at Indiana, they might have more fluency in Kinsey Institute jargon, just for example.
But where they got their degree isn't as important as what they got their degree in, and what they did with it. For every class of Ivy League grads, half of them were in the bottom half of their class. Same goes for med school, lol. If you choose a therapist who attended a local university or state school, but they happen to be brilliant with a solid success rate, I would forget the degree and get to work.
Common degree paths might include things like:
Having a Masters degree, a PsyD or PhD, having an MD (for psychiatric practice), or BSN, PhyA, other medical background can be useful. Programs can be named almost anything, but most important things to look for are accredited schools, valid and up-to-date licensure, professional organization membership, professional certification, etc.
While all of these things are useful, couple's counseling isn't usually enough for a DB. You can try it! You can pick a PhD in psych, and give it a go. Like I said earlier, if it's a communication issue, you can probably resolve it there!
But if it's a sex problem, you need a professional with years of advanced training and more importantly, experience. You need someone who has successfully helped other people like you, in worse situations than yours, who has a methodology that goes beyond book learning and into the real world.
You'll need a sex therapist. You'll need a great sex therapist if the problem is dire enough.
 

What makes a great sex therapist?

This is a bit more objective. But it's still largely opinion and individual preference. You might work best with a Gottman-style therapist. Your personality might mesh well with the Schnarch Crucible. I personally don't like either of those methods, so while I can appreciate they work for others, if I were seeking help, they would be useless to me. I often compare it to translators or relationship archeology, sometimes civil engineering...
I know, you don't think you need a translator because you speak the same language. But, are you, though? Because if you were, you might be less frustrated and unhappy, feel less misunderstood, less bitter, less resentful. If you truly felt that your partner understood you and your experience, if you felt they were being completely truthful and transparent, you might have a different perspective.
This also becomes easy to see in the standard "why don't they work harder (or at all) to fix this" or "all I want is acknowledgement of the problem and a commitment to trying to fix it". I would bet they feel the same in some cases. Some have even tried to do exactly that but their partner was not capable of seeing it, missed it entirely, etc. If you say this kind of thing, it illustrates not only that you don't understand the issue yet for whatever reason, but also that you don't understand what your partner is thinking or feeling about the issue.
It really is okay! This happens, and it's really possible to address the gap in lots of cases. But you need someone who can take what you're saying and put it in a way that your partner can not only understand but feel. They have to find that empathy for you, and vice versa, and it can be difficult to locate! Look at how much stuff is piled on top already.
 

What makes a sex therapist the best choice for me?

Everyone is going to hate reading this answer, but here goes nothing - it's complicated.
You need to start from the beginning. If you want therapy, then you're the one with the problem. People will seek to fix problems they recognize. You've pushed for or requested therapy, that makes you the one who has recognized a problem exists. That's a good thing! If you both mutually agreed on therapy, you likely both identify a problem! That's great! They are often completely separate problems, and occasionally diametrically opposed.
If you see the problem, you'll be doing the most work. Terrible, I know. But again, it is a positive, because it means that growth and change are in your hands. The right therapist will offer support, motivation and challenge you to think differently. No, not tell you that you're wrong or bad. Just making sure that you are really practicing introspection and self-interrogation. They should be helping you find your voice. And helping your partner do the same. Then, if you've chosen wisely, the therapist will not only translate, but teach you how to speak each other's languages or help you both invent a new one together.

What about my partner?

Basically, everything that applies to you getting the best sex therapist also needs to apply to your partner. It really can take a while to find the best available choice for both of you. That's normal. On the bright side, if you choose poorly, it may motivate your partner to get more involved in the selection of the next one. Never pick this option intentionally however, it can spectacularly backfire into never wanting to go again.
 

The End?

Not everyone will emerge from even the best therapy with the desired outcome. If things don't get better, there's still hope.
A great sex therapist can also make it much easier to navigate a split if required. It can help with rediscovering your sexuality post-split, helping you find things that may be getting in your own way, how to talk to future partners, how to be healthier in your sex life going forward, etc.
If you're going into sex therapy, try to get a coordinated individual therapist at the same time. Preferably one for each partner. They can be given permission in some cases (with your consent) to join your sex therapy treatment team. It can significantly improve and increase the speed of progress, having space to deal with individual issues at the same time.
 
 
Glossary:
If you don't understand a term, comment to have it added here.
submitted by closingbelle to LowLibidoCommunity [link] [comments]


2020.04.30 09:25 elitecollegethroaway AMA: 20 Things I Wish I Knew Before Going to an Elite College

Hey there! I graduated from a mid-ranked Ivy a few years ago. Below is a list of 20 things I wish I knew before going to an elite college. This advice applies to anyone attending an elite college or university (eg. Michigan, Colby, WashU, Georgetown, MIT, Claremont McKenna, Amherst, Brown, ect.) next year.
First, a little bit about myself. I had a decent college experience that was amazing in many ways and less good in others. After graduation, I moved to DC and worked in politics for a couple years. This fall, I applied to law school, and I’ve been accepted to a number of good programs. I’m currently deciding among UChicago, Columbia, and NYU.
I'm also happy to answer questions as well, so feel free to ask away (after glancing through the questions I've already answered). Without further ado, here is the list!
  1. It doesn’t matter which elite college or university you go to.
A lot of people agonize over the fact that they didn’t get into Harvard and have to settle for Cornell, or that they didn’t get into MIT and have to go to Carnegie Mellon. Honestly, the truth is that where you go to school doesn’t matter so long as you go to an elite college or university. Today, the great news is that there are so many elite colleges and universities that provide the same quality education and similar professional and graduate school opportunities (see list of colleges and universities above).
For example, if one person goes to Colgate, another person goes to Harvard, and both people major in economics and apply to PhD programs in economics after they graduate, they’ll both have similar odds at getting into elite PhD programs assuming their GPAs, research experience, and faculty recommendations are similar. If the Colgate guy has better grades, better research experience, and better faculty recommendations, he’ll get accepted to a better economics PhD program than the Harvard guy.
The same is true for other grad schools (eg. law, medicine, business, ect.) and jobs (eg. Facebook, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey). So long as you go to an elite college or university, you’ll have largely the same opportunities as someone else who went to a slightly higher ranked elite college or university.
Additionally, people (who matter, such as employers and grad schools) largely view elite college grads from all elite schools as equally smart regardless of the elite school they attended. For example, when I meet someone from Princeton and someone from UVA, I’m not automatically more impressed with the Princeton guy, and I don’t automatically think the Princeton guy is smarter than the UVA guy. Instead, there’s more of an elite college/non-elite college dichotomy in my mind and in the minds of most elite college alumni and most employers. In other words, if I meet someone who went to WVU and someone who went to UVA, Princeton, Pomona, or Emory, I automatically DO think the non-elite college WVU guy is dumber than the elite college guy from any elite school (sorry, but it’s the truth!). However, I don’t really distinguish among the elite college guys based on the schools they attended. Instead, I distinguish them based on their intellect, personality, and professional success.
  1. All of the students at one highly ranked elite school aren’t necessarily smarter than all of the students at another slightly lower ranked elite school.
Yup, this is definitely true. Just because your high school classmate’s going to Harvard and you’re going to Cornell doesn’t mean that one year from now, two years from now, three years from now, or four years from now your high school classmate will be “smarter” than you. During college everyone grows intellectually and some grow more than others regardless of which school they attend. This means that you could graduate from Cornell with a 3.8 GPA while your high school buddy at Harvard might not adapt too well to college and might only pull a 3.4. Guess who’s “smarter” and has better professional and grad school opportunities when you graduate college? You, the Cornell guy! The same is true even if you attended Colby or UVA while your high school classmate went to Harvard.
  1. Higher ranked elite colleges aren’t necessarily more difficult academically than lower ranked elite colleges.
Yup, this one’s also true. Just because Harvard’s acceptance rate is twice as low as Amherst’s acceptance rate doesn’t make Harvard students twice as smart as Amherst students or Harvard classes twice as hard as Amherst classes. Honestly, the students at both schools are likely equally smart and the classes are probably about the same in terms of academic rigor.
That being said, there are some schools that are known for grade deflation, such as Columbia, UChicago, and Princeton. These schools are likely more academically rigorous than places like Dartmouth or Harvard, but their academic rigor stems less from their ranking and selectivity and more from their administrative policies and academic traditions that reinforce grade deflation.
  1. Even if you didn’t get admitted to an elite college or university, your life is not over.
Even if you didn’t do so well in high school grade-wise or got unlucky in college admissions, don’t panic. Your life is not over. You can still get into a top-notch grad school and/or get a top notch job and have phenomenal opportunities for the rest of your life.
I know many people who have done this. One of my professors at my Ivy league school who has a Wikipedia page (yup, he’s that famous in his field!) went to a bad California public college for undergrad and ended up getting a PhD from and a professorship at an Ivy League school. Similarly, one kid from my high school did really poorly academically in high school, got his s*** together at a tiny, no-name liberal arts college, and now attends Stanford Law School. Heck, I didn’t even get admitted to Stanford Law when I applied this fall while he did! It just comes to show that you can’t rest on your laurels if you do get into an Ivy League undergrad school, and you can’t be down on yourself if you don’t.
Suffice to say that if you’re dying to get that elite college or Ivy League degree, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so after undergrad. Most Ivies have great grad schools that you can attend later on in life. Or, to really spice things up, go abroad to Oxford, Cambridge, or LSE and get that one year British master degree immediately following college graduation! Tons of Americans do this.
  1. If you have multiple acceptances from elite colleges, pick the elite college where you feel you would fit in best.
Deposit day is right around the corner for most schools, and if you’re still agonizing over which elite college to choose, here’s a simple pro tip: pick the elite college where you’ll be happiest. For example, if you were admitted to Cornell and Georgetown and you believe that you would be happier at Georgetown compared to Cornell but are worried that “Georgetown isn’t an Ivy!”, go to Georgetown. Both schools are close enough in prestige that it doesn’t really matter which one you choose. Because you believe you’ll fit in better at Georgetown, you’ll be happier there, make more friends there, and get better grades there, which will create more future opportunities for you than you would have gotten had you chased the Ivy League label and gone to Cornell instead.
I say this from personal experience. While I enjoyed my college in many ways and would still recommend it to many potential students, I believe that I would have been happier at Williams or Amherst, and I would have gotten the same exact opportunities at both schools that I got at my school.
That being said, if you are admitted to a non-elite school (eg. OSU, UF, Ole Miss, ect.) and an elite school, if finances/student loans aren’t an issue, definitely choose the elite school over the non-elite school. I have nothing against non-elite schools, but the truth is that you will not get the same opportunities at these schools that you will at elite colleges. For this reason, if finances aren’t an issue, always pick the elite school.
  1. If you have multiple acceptances from elite colleges, pick the elite college that aligns best with your future goals.
If you’re still having trouble choosing which elite college to attend, consider which one will most align with your future goals. For example, if you were admitted to Dartmouth and Rice, and you are dead-set on living in Houston for the rest of your life, go to Rice. Why? Because a much larger proportion of your potential college friends from Rice will settle in Houston after college, and you’ll have a much larger network of friends in your city, which will make life more enjoyable and help you advance in whichever career you choose.
If you want to live abroad, make sure you choose a school that has a stronger international brand reputation. For example, if you’re choosing between Williams and Georgetown, and you’re 100% sure that you want to live abroad for a significant portion of your life, you should probably choose Georgetown (unless you absolutely hate it) because far more people abroad will know Georgetown than Williams.
In general, a plurality of graduates from each elite school tend to cluster in one or two cities. For Dartmouth and all the New England Ivies/Little Ivies, it’s Boston and NYC (and SF to a lesser extent). For Penn, it’s Philly and NYC (and SF to a lesser extent). For Princeton and Columbia, it’s NYC (and SF to a lesser extent). For UVA and Georgetown, it’s DC (and NYC to a lesser extent). For Berkeley and Stanford, it’s SF and LA (and NYC to a lesser extent). For Northwestern, UChicago, Notre Dame, and WashU, it’s Chicago (and NYC to a lesser extent). For Duke and Emory, it’s Atlanta (and DC/NYC to a lesser extent).
Does this mean that there are no elite college alums from your elite college in non-feeder cities? No! Of course there are alums in these cities, and these cities will likely have alumni clubs that you can join. However, chances are that the majority of your future friends at whichever elite school you attend will likely follow the crowd to the feeder city(ies) that most alums from your school go to after graduation. Definitely keep this in mind as you choose which college to attend.
Internationally, most larger American elite schools (eg. non liberal arts colleges) will have solid alumni networks and alumni clubs in London and Hong Kong. Other cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, Singapore, Paris, Berlin, and Dubai may have alumni, but there might not be a large, active alumni club, so if you want to live in these locations, it’s definitely a good idea to choose a university with more name recognition internationally (eg. Berkeley over Amherst, unless you hate Berkeley) that will make you recognizable to people you may meet and befriend while living in one of these cities.
  1. Attending an elite college or university for undergrad does NOT guarantee that you’ll be admitted to an elite college or university for grad school.
Attending an elite school for undergrad does not give you a free pass in grad school admissions. Sure, it makes grad school admissions easier compared to the guy applying to grad school from University of Detroit or Frostburg State, but you still have to earn your spot in grad school, and you can’t just coast based on the prestige of your elite undergrad school.
For example, since all med schools are really selective (eg. <10% acceptance rate), most of my classmates from my Ivy in medical school attend places like Iowa, Rutgers, and Texas Tech. Did a couple get admitted to Harvard and Columbia? Sure, but only one or two. While these lesser ranked schools aren’t necessarily housed in prestigious universities, all of my classmates at these med schools are guaranteed to have stable, high-paying jobs for life, regardless of which one they attend. That is definitely an enviable position to be in, so they’re certainly doing very well for themselves.
For law school, graduating from an elite undergrad school definitely gives you a bit of a bump, but not a massive one. For example, if the median college GPA of admitted students at a law school that you’re applying to is a 3.9, then you’ll be competitive with a 3.8 or a 3.85 instead of a 3.9 by virtue of the fact that you went to an elite school. Suffice to say that it’s a bit of a bump, but not a massive one. However, by attending an elite school, you’ve likely gotten a lot of opportunities to polish the soft side of your application (eg. extracurriculars, recommendations, ect.) due to the sheer amount of resources available at elite schools. This soft part of your application will stand out more compared to applicants who didn’t attend elite schools. In general, I’d say more than three quarters of my classmates who applied to law school from my Ivy got accepted to T14 law schools. However, nearly one quarter didn’t, and several opted out of the application process altogether because they knew that they wouldn’t get into a T14 school.
Other grad programs elite college graduates regularly attend include business school, public policy/international affairs school, and PhDs. While attending elite colleges raises your chances slightly for admission to these elite grad schools, it does not guarantee that you’ll be admitted to Harvard Business School, Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School (public policy/international affairs), or Stanford’s PhD in Computer Science. Heck, attending an elite undergrad doesn’t 100% guarantee that you’ll get admitted to UT Austin’s MBA program or University of Washington’s Computer Science masters program.
This means that you can’t rest on your laurels. You still have to work hard and earn your spot at an elite grad school.
  1. If you’re burnt out from high school, take a gap year.
I really wish I had taken a gap year after high school. I went to a very competitive high school where lots of kids go to elite colleges and universities, and I was really burnt out when I showed up at college. While I did well academically my freshman year, I really believe that I would have benefitted from some time off.
For this reason, I’d highly recommend that you take a gap year if you’re burnt out. However, just because you’re taking a gap year doesn’t mean that you should be unproductive and do nothing. Instead, take some online courses, do a remote internship, or learn a foreign language. You won’t have many more opportunities in your life when you have several months without any commitments, so take advantage of that time to be with family and learn a new skill or hobby.
  1. If you want to learn a new foreign language, start taking classes in that foreign language the moment you arrive at your elite college.
If you always had a burning desire to learn Russian, Mandarin, Italian, Japanese, or any other language for that matter, but your high school didn’t offer classes in that language, guess what? Your elite college likely does and now is by far the best and easiest time in your life to learn that language. You will never again in your life have four years when you can consistently and easily devote yourself to learning a new foreign language. If you start a new language during your first semester freshman year and take a course in that language every single semester during your entire time in college (including a semester abroad with language immersion), I guarantee that you’ll reach at least intermediate proficiency in that foreign language by the time you graduate, even if that language is Russian or Mandarin.
  1. Elite colleges and universities only provide you with a limited set of (really good) careers options.
Oh boy, this is definitely a piece of information I wish I knew before attending my school. This information might be a bit of a downer for some, but attending an elite college or university will not open doors to every single career you’ve dreamed of. In general, elite universities feed people into five or six different careers through their career and grad school advising offices.
First, they’ll provide you opportunities to work on Wall Street (or other financial centers, such as Houston, San Francisco, Chicago, and Atlanta, depending on where your school is located) in investment banking. Investment bankers, or IBankers for short, usually work for large banks that were bailed out during the Great Recession, such as JP Morgan, Bank of America, and Goldman Sachs. IBankers help companies sell stock and bonds and revalue themselves after merging with other companies or selling off portions of their own company. That one sentence explanation is a vast oversimplification of IBanking, so keep that in mind. On a daily basis, IBankers create excel spreadsheets and powerpoint slides. They work crazy hours (eg. 60-70 hours per week, plus work on the weekends), but they also get paid a lot of money right out of college (eg. $100,000+ first year). If this appeals to you, check out Wall Street Oasis (WSO), which has by far the most resources and information for those who want to work on Wall Street. If this doesn’t sound appealing to you, there are a few other options to consider.
Elite universities also provide their students and graduates with jobs in management consulting. Management consultants work in teams of five to ten people and advise senior management (eg. CEOs, executive VPs, COOs, MDs, ect.) at large companies on the strategy and operations of their companies. Each week, consultants fly out to their client from the city they (the consultants) live in (eg. NYC, Boston, San Francisco, ect.). Usually, the client is located in pretty uneventful places like Spartanburg, South Carolina, so don’t get your hopes up about jetting over to Dubai or Miami and sipping martinis for the week. That’s not going to happen. Like IBankers, management consultants are glorified excel and powerpoint monkeys. Their hours are better than IBankers, and they usually do not have much weekend work. In order to land a consulting gig at a top firm (eg. McKinsey, Bain, and BCG, which are the Harvard, Yale, and Princeton of consulting), you’ll need to earn at least a 3.8 GPA or you’ll need to major in a hard STEM subject and pull above a 3.5 GPA. Otherwise, they probably won’t interview you even though you go to Williams, Harvard, or some other elite school. Still, you could land a consulting offer with a lower GPA at a less prestigious firm or a boutique firm, and you’ll have a pretty similar experience. In other words, your elite college will provide you opportunities in management consulting so long as your college GPA isn’t terrible. If you want to learn more about management consulting, check out Management Consulted and WSO’s forum on management consulting.
Elite schools also open up doors in the tech world. If you’re a whiz at computer science, you’ll have a strong shot at landing a software engineering job at Google, Facebook, Amazon, or another large tech company, provided that you can pass the coding interview. If you aren’t good enough to pass the coding interview at these places, rest assured as there are still plenty of other software job opportunities to choose from at less well known companies and startups, so you’ll graduate with a job making at least $70,000 and probably upwards of $100,000 if you play your cards right. Prestigious tech companies (eg. Apple) also have non-software jobs that your career services office at your elite school may enable you to recruit for. These positions are notoriously difficult to land because the barriers to entry are low (you don’t need technical skills), but you’ll at least have a better shot than most people at them because you attend an elite school.
Elite schools also help you win fellowships, such as Fulbrights and Teach for America. Your elite school likely has a fellowship office or a person in your career services office devoted to fellowships who can advise you. This advisor is typically not available at less prestigious institutions.
Elite schools also funnel students into professional graduate schools, especially law school and medical school. I’m not going to discuss either of these options here because I’ve already discussed both at length in another question above.
On the other hand, here is what elite schools do NOT provide career-wise. Elite schools do NOT provide special opportunities in politics on Capitol Hill or at the UN. They do NOT have a bunch of job postings in journalism at the NY Times or the Washington Post. They do NOT open tons of doors in entertainment and Hollywood. They do NOT offer tons of professional opportunities for musicians and artists. Sorry to burst your bubble, but attending Harvard or any other elite school isn’t going to get you a job at the UN, NY Times, Hollywood, or the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Career services won’t do jack for you if those are your career goals (except maybe help you land an unpaid internship). Instead, you’ll have to hustle on your own and network a ton to land those opportunities. It’s better for you to receive this tough love now than later on, even if it’s a bit of a downer to hear this.
Instead, maybe you always dreamed of being an English or History professor? Sorry to break it to you, but even if you’re talented enough to be a humanities professor (which you probably are) and even if you get into Harvard for your humanities PhD, the job market is so bad for humanities professors that you probably won’t get a job as a professor no matter how hard you try. The job market is marginally better for aspiring hard science and social science professors, but it’s still tough. If you really want to be a professor, go get a PhD in business after undergrad. While you probably won’t land a professorship at Harvard, there are tons of business professorships available at other schools, and you’ll almost certainly land one if you work hard. Again, sorry for the downer, but it’s better to be blunt and brutally honest than to lie to you and not tell you the truth.
  1. Be social and join extracurriculars once you arrive at your elite college or university, but don’t overextend yourself.
If you were shy and just studied a lot in high school, make sure you break out of your shell and be social once you arrive by joining and participating in a couple (more than one, but not 50+) extracurriculars and clubs on a very regular basis. If you feel social anxiety because you’re in a brand new place where half the kids were valedictorians or salutatorians at their high schools, don’t sweat it because your classmates are all feeling the same anxiety you’re feeling. My best advice to you is fake it ‘til you make it. Make sure to stand up straight, look your fellow classmates in the eyes, and smile. If you do those three things, you’ll be fine.
  1. Be aware of social hierarchies on campus and within your extracurriculars and clubs, but don’t be a social climber who spends their entire college life climbing these social hierarchies to the exclusion of everything else.
Once you arrive on campus, make sure you acquaint yourself with social hierarchies on campus and within your extracurriculars and clubs. For example, which clubs tend to be more popular? Which clubs are less mainstream (and frowned upon)? Ask yourself how people will perceive you if you join one club or another. Do some clubs feed into other clubs (eg. all members of the football team join one specific fraternity)? Who are the most influential people in the clubs you joined? How about the least influential?
At the same time, don’t be a shallow social climber who only cares about social status. People who only social climb end up miserable because they don’t form genuine friendships based on shared interests and values. Plus, social climbers don’t realize that at the end of four years once everyone graduates, the social hierarchy that existed on campus no longer matters at all as an alumnus or alumna of your elite college. Literally no one cares what sports team or fraternity or sorority you were in after you graduate. It sounds so “third grade” to talk about those things as alumni.
Nevertheless, make sure that you do not find yourself at the bottom of the social hierarchy while you’re in school (except initially WITHIN your extracurricular clubs where you’ll de facto have to start at the bottom as a new student and member in the club). You will definitely pay a big price socially while you’re in school if you’re at the bottom socially, and you will definitely be less happy. The good news is that it’s very easy to not be at the bottom. Just have your social antenna up, be socially aware, and don’t join unpopular clubs that have a strong social stigma on campus.
  1. Be strategic about the classes you take and the professors you choose.
In order to earn a high GPA, make sure you choose your classes and professors carefully. Some classes and professors are notorious for their harsh grading while others are much easier, and you should do everything you can to avoid the harder classes and professors. If you want to figure out which classes and professors are difficult, just ask an upperclassman majoring in a particular subject which ones they would avoid in their specific major.
Also, I’d highly recommend asking upperclassmen which classes and professors are the best. During fall semester, make it a point to ask five different upperclassmen which classes/professors were their favorite. Keep a list of these classes and professors and consider taking them if they align with your interests or distribution requirements.
  1. Take classes in your strongest subject areas during your first semester of freshman year.
Attending an elite college is a big bump up in terms of academic rigor compared to high school. If you take humanities and social science classes, you will have more reading than you’ve ever had before in an academic environment, and if you take science and math classes, you will have harder problem sets and exams than you’ve ever experienced in high school. As a first year student, you will likely be in class with some upperclassmen who have one, two, and three years of elite college academic experience under their belts. This means that they will likely be more skilled academically than the average freshman, and it will be harder, but certainly not impossible, for first year students like you to perform as well as they, especially in subject areas you know little about.
For this reason, I would highly recommend that you take classes in subject areas that you are really strong in during the first semester of your first year. If you were a US History buff in high school, then take an American history class. If you crushed it in AP French last year, then take French. If you’ve read tons of American literature, then take an American literature class. If you love stats, take a stats class.
  1. Don’t be a “know it all” or a “try hard” in class.
Don’t be the “know it all” who always raises their hand to answer every question in class. Don’t be the “try hard” who tries to demonstrate that they're smarter than everyone else. People who behave this way are off-putting and have toxic personal brands and bad reputations on all elite college campuses. Don’t be one of those guys.
On the other hand, do make an insightful comment (or two, or three, depending on the class) every class if you’re in a discussion-oriented class (then shut up). Do go to office hours and forge strong relationships with your professors. Do participate in study groups with other students. Do write good essays and perform well on midterms and final exams. Do your best academically and earn good grades.
  1. Invest time in dating.
Your four years at an elite college will be by far the easiest time to date during your entire life. You will be surrounded by hundreds to thousands of other smart, horny kids who are away from home for the first time and are keen to try new things. If you’re showing up to college as a virgin, guess what? So is the majority of your class, so you’re in good company, and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
If you’re confused or unclear about how to date, here are a couple simple tips that may be helpful whether you’re a guy or a girl. If you fancy someone in one of your classes or clubs, make sure you build a little rapport with them by engaging in small talk a couple times so they know who you are (which you’ve probably/hopefully done before/after class or during club activities). Remember to stand up straight, smile (not in a cheesy, contrived way), and look them in the eyes when you talk to them (and everyone else for that matter). Then, ask them casually to grab lunch (or coffee if students at your elite college grab coffee regularly) by saying something like, “Hey, let’s grab lunch some time!” Remember, in romance, especially if you’re a guy, never “ask” to do something; instead, suggest doing something by saying “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that.”
If they say no, they’re probably not interested in you romantically even if they think you’re a good person, so don’t take it personally and instead move on to another person. Luckily, there are hundreds to thousands of other people that you can date at your elite school, so don’t worry. However, don’t ask out several people in one club or one class during the span of a week or two. You’ll come across as creepy if you do this.
If they say yes to lunch or coffee, you’ll probably exchange phone numbers with them and set up a time for lunch/coffee. You might even go to lunch together right then and there. After you grab lunch/coffee with them once or twice, study buddy with them if they’re in your class or collaborate together on a project for your club. Be somewhat subtle about your intentions at this point, but don’t be subtle for too long, which could put you in the friendzone.
Then, if things are going smoothly, and you sense that they’re also interested in you romantically (eg. they sit really closely to you, text you all the time about non-school related stuff, talk about sex/romance with you, hug you, and/or physically touch you in sexual or non-sexual places) study buddy or work together with them in a common area of your dorm once and/or invite them to a party. Then, if that goes well, invite them to work together in your room or bring them back to your room, and the two of you will probably end up making out and/or hooking up. Always make sure you have consent during this last step. From there, you can convert this encounter into a relationship and have a boyfriend or girlfriend if you would like.
Investing time in dating now while you’re at an elite college when it’s easy and accessible will make you more effective at dating later in life after college when you interact with many fewer people and dating is not as easy.
  1. Elite colleges don’t teach you how to network, but learning how to network is incredibly important.
Networking is an incredibly important skill that you won’t learn in your classes at an elite college. In order to excel personally, professionally, and socially as a student and graduate of an elite college, it’s essential that you take the time to learn how to network efficiently and effectively.
If you’re unsure where to start, here are a few simple tips that will help you become an effective networker. First, before you contact anyone, make a list of a few (two to four, not 10+) professional fields that you would like to work in. These might be finance, law, medicine, politics, or tech to name a few. Then, make a list of everyone you and your family know who either (a) lives in the city or location where you want to work and has a solid professional career in any field or (b) works in the field(s) you want to work in but lives in any location.
Once you have this list, contact all of these people (usually by email), tell them that you’re looking for career advice and ask them if they’d be willing to speak with you over the phone to give you advice. These phone calls are informally known as “informational interviews.” In most cases, assuming they know your family and you well, they will say yes to the phone call. However, if they don’t respond, send them a polite follow up email a week after you sent your first email, and if they don’t respond again, then don’t sweat it, move on, and speak to your other contacts on the phone.
Along with reaching out to people your family and you already know, you can also send “cold emails” to people you do not know who work in your desired fields. Before “cold emailing” random people, you should first reach out to graduates of your high school, graduates of your elite college, graduates of your elite college’s grad schools, and graduates of other colleges who were in your fraternity or sorority at other schools. Your elite college will have an alumni database that you can access; talk to advisors at your school’s career services office about acquiring this access. LinkedIn is also another great resource for tracking down alumni. Once you’ve exhausted these sources, you can “cold email” or “cold call” anyone in your desired field regardless of the school they attended. Since you may not have any connections to people you “cold email” or “cold call,” you may end up having a very low success rate in acquiring new contacts for your professional network using this method (eg. one out of ten “cold calls” may result in an actual connection). Nevertheless, with sufficient volume, “cold emailing” and “cold calling” can be very effective techniques for networking and are well worth the investment under the right circumstances.
Once you’re on the phone for an informational interview, start by asking your contact about their career (or instead about working in city X if they work in a different career field than your desired field but live in the city that you're targeting). After they’ve spoken for a bit about their career (or city), tell them that you’re interested in careers (and/or internships) in their field (or careers in field Y in their city) and ask them for advice. If they work in one of these fields, you may want to only say that you’re interested in careers in their field and avoid mentioning the other fields altogether, even if you’re also interested in those fields as well. Additionally, they will likely have lots of advice to give you. If they don’t work in one of your desired fields, they probably won’t have as much advice to give you.
Either way, ask them if they know anyone that works in your desired field(s) and your desired work location(s) and ask them if they would be willing to introduce you to these people. If they say yes (which they hopefully will), they’ll put you in touch with one or more of their contacts (usually via email) in your desired field(s) and location(s). Set up phone calls with their contacts, talk to them on the phone, ask for more contacts (especially if they don’t offer you an internship or a job), and repeat this process until you land a position. Send thank you emails to each person after every phone call and connect with each person you speak with on the phone on LinkedIn.
After each semester or every few months, send an email update to all of your contacts detailing anything new, RELEVANT, and/or interesting in your academic, extracurricular, and professional life (eg. classes you took, clubs you recently joined, internships you landed, awards you won, trips you took, ect.). When you send this email update to your contacts, do NOT add all of your contacts to one email message and send out one email message to everyone. Instead, send separate email messages to each contact and copy and paste the same text into each separate email message. While you’re networking, you may realize that some (or many) contacts you’ve made are not worth investing much time in, so you may choose to stop sending them email updates on a regular basis.
That’s networking in a nutshell. If you follow these steps starting freshman year, you’ll be way ahead of the pack compared to your peers.
  1. Get an internship during your freshman summer.
A surprisingly large number of students at elite colleges waste their freshman summers doing nothing because they don’t invest time in procuring a freshman summer internship. While finding a freshman summer internship can be difficult given that many large companies and organizations don’t typically hire freshmen for the summer, landing a freshman summer internship is certainly not impossible, especially since you attend an elite college, which will make hiring managers more likely to give you an offer.
Most freshman summer internships are unpaid. This means that you need to either (a) find an internship near your parents’ or relatives’ homes where you’ll get free housing and meals or (b) procure funding from family or other sources to cover the cost of living while you do your freshman summer internship in another city, such as NYC, DC, or SF. Elite colleges usually give grants to students doing unpaid public service internships, so you may be able to apply for funding from your school. Ask your career services office about funding options available at your school.
If you can't acquire funding for a freshman summer internship and/or you would prefer to live with family and relatives during your freshman summer, then you’ll probably have to network with alumni of your elite college that live in your local area, family friends, your high school teachers, and anyone else you know that lives in your local area to land a freshman summer internship. Use the networking strategies listed above, and you should be able to find something.
There are several local internship options near your home that are feasible to get for each career field. For politics, you can volunteer for a congressional campaign or work in the district office of your local Congressman. For law, you can reach out to local law firms and see if they’ll let you do some legal work during the summer. For tech, you can work for startups in your local area or remotely. For finance, you can contact wealth managers in your area and ask if they’ll let you intern during the summer. For medicine, you can contact doctor’s offices or hospitals and ask to shadow a doctor or nurse for a few weeks. Suffice to say there are lots of internship options for freshman summer, and it’s up to you to seize them.
  1. Find mentors.
While you're at your elite college, make sure you forge relationships with mentors. These mentors can include upperclassmen, professors, and alumni. Mentors will be able to advise you on all aspects of your life and will enable you to maximize your academic, personal, social, and professional success. By using the networking tips described above, you will develop strong relationships with a set of mentors who will be pivotal for your success
  1. Have fun!
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, have fun! College is an amazing time wherever you end up going, so make sure as a student that you periodically put the books away and go to a frat party, floor party, and/or other social event(s). Never again in your life will it be deemed “okay” and “normal” to stay up into the wee hours of the morning drinking (or not drinking) and partying on a weekly basis. Take advantage of this time and have fun! Don’t get in trouble or break the law, but do make sure you do some memorable things so that you’ll have stories to tell and reminisce about when you hang out with your college buddies after you graduate.
Wherever you go to school, you’re going to have an awesome time. I sincerely mean that. Best of luck next year and as they say in theater, break a leg!
submitted by elitecollegethroaway to ApplyingToCollege [link] [comments]


2020.04.25 23:46 9Lives-1down I’m Someone yet No One

I’m a high school senior.
Almost everyone either knows who I am or has heard of my name in my senior class. All the advanced teachers and the higher ups know who I am.
I’m a very accomplished student; it appears that I am the one who got into the most prestigious university (an Ivy League) out of all my peers. My senior year was going great. I got my acceptance to my top school and even managed to get into a relationship with my new crush. It was my very first relationship.
Everything was going great. An Ivy acceptance and a girlfriend? I have never felt so happy in my entire life before.
About 2 and a half months later since the relationship started, she broke up with me. She was very vague for her reasons for leaving. She ended up dating some guy a week or two after our breakup with someone she told me she didn’t have feelings for.
Although the breakup was not the main reason I’m depressed, it was a big part. The breakup made me realize that I’m a nobody.
I’m not a very social person. In my whole high school career before my relationship I have only gotten out once with my friends. After each school day, I go study, do my homework, play video games on the weekends, eat, and sleep.
I’m an only child living only with my mom. My dad is in another state. I haven’t seen him in over a year. I’m not really intimate any of my family members. I think it’s because they didn’t make any meaningful bonds with my. Also especially because my mom does not have any great parenting skills. On a daily basis, my mom and I argue. I never tell her anything about my life and we never converse.
I absolutely hate my mom. I don’t feel “love” or a special connection to her. She treated me like I’m still a baby and is very clingy. I frequently tell her about the stuff she does that bothers me but she does not seem to care. Nothing has been changed in many years. Not to mention she cheated on my dad, twice. And one of the times I’ve actually heard it with my ears. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my online friends while she’s in the house. Every time I make a phone call I do it outside my house. She loves to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations and I don’t want her eavesdropping mine.
Also, I don’t think I have any “love” or connection with my dad either. He’s been gone for such a long time period in my life (except over the phone) that I don’t even miss him and I don’t know why. And I’m sure if I was away from my mom I would definitely not miss her either. I wish I could just restart life with a much more cohesive family.
I don’t have a best friend. My ex-best best friend, from my childhood, took a different path than me. Although he was a little friendly with me, he started bullying me in middle school. Because of him, I started developing trust issues. By high school, rumors have it that he started taking drugs and even got arrested.
Also, I’ve been bullied consistently through middle school which contributed to my trust issues and social abilities. Not a lot of my middle school class knew who I was.
My childhood best friend and I used to hang out every weekend before middle school. I’d always go to his house and play down video games with him or go somewhere with my dad doing tasks outside the house.
Although I do have a lot of good friends, I don’t have any great bonds with them. I only know the surface level stuff about them. My friendships end at the end of the school day. I occasionally text them but not frequently.
My ex was a different story. I don’t know what was special about her but I wanted to know her more on a deeper level. We became friends this school year and I just loved every aspect about her. We used to text every day. I considered her my only “true” friend and best friend who I had chemistry with. She made me confident in my social skills and I was pretty great at flirting with her. We had some similarities in our childhoods also. We kind of entered into a relationship naturally without even asking each other if we wanted to be bf/gf.
Like I said before, I don’t really hang out with anyone. But with my ex, I went out of my comfort zone with her. I went over to her house, and I haven’t been over to a friend’s house in more than 5 years. I also invited her over to my house, and I haven’t invited someone to my house in over 6 years. She’s the only high school friend that has ever seen my room.
I started to hang out with her on a frequent basis, something I haven’t done since my childhood with my ex-best friend. I enjoyed every second of it. After arriving at my home after a certain date, I started crying in my room because she meant so much to me.
Although her reasons to break up were vague, One big part that I can guess that convinced her to break up with me was that I was clingy. I gave her priority over my friends and family. She was the only person I would text and hang out with. She told me she didn’t like that as she gave me equal priority as her close friends. I wanted to change so I could still be in a relationship with her but she said people shouldn’t change to make a relationship work.
And she got into another relationship about a week or two after we broke up with some guy that she told me while we were still in a relationship that she never had feelings for him. Before we entered into a relationship she said that guy had a crush on her but she didn’t really feel the same way. Well now guess what, they got into a relationship so fucking quickly. I started crying during one of my classes when I found out about it.
I think I developed more trust issues and a severe form of depression. I think about killing myself every day. I wished I could form a bond with a friend like I did with my ex. But I can’t. I don’t really have good chemistry with any other person or even my family. I wish I had a best friend that I could trust, that I could text or call or hang out on a frequent basis. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave my comfort zone just to get hurt again. I wish I had close friends. I wish I could just restart my life so I could be a more social person and maybe even have siblings. Right now, I’m very lonely. I would love to make close friends but I’m too shy and scared to do so. I have already gambled for close friends I don’t want to gamble again.
I’d trade my Ivy acceptance to continue with my ex or find someone else that I could be with for a lifetime. Never felt joy like that before in my entire life. The only reason why I did well in school to get into a prestigious institution was that it would help me make a shit ton of money which would make me happy. But I guess that money really doesn’t buy happiness.
Yes, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”, but given my personality and my trust issues, I’m doubtful someone who shares the same interests would give me a chance.
submitted by 9Lives-1down to lonely [link] [comments]


Awesome kills and crazy stuff Almost all my gymnastics stuff

Home – The League

  1. Awesome kills and crazy stuff
  2. Almost all my gymnastics stuff

This video is unavailable. Watch Queue Queue. Watch Queue Queue This video is unavailable. Watch Queue Queue. Watch Queue Queue